Death the Kid and the Asymmetrical Stone
by Silver Tru-Neko
Summary: AU. Death the Kid think he is an ordinary Grim Reaper - until he is taken  by force  to Hogwarts. Maka, Soul, Black Star, Tsubaki and Crona decide to rescue him. Mayhem ensues as they undergo their first year together and evade Snape the stalker.
1. Prologue

**Death the Kid and the Asymmetrical Stone**

By Tru

Disclaimer: The author does not own Soul Eater, Harry Potter, or any other fandom that may be referenced in this story.

Warning: The following program contains (but is not limited to) mature themes, censored swearing, cartoon violence, asymmetry, and explosions, and is intended for an older youth audience. Viewer discretion is advised.

Special thanks to Jedi Goat for beta reading my story.

* * *

><p><strong>Prologue: Witches Are Subject to Change Without Notice<strong>

Privet Drive was a very boring drive indeed. Each home was an exact copy of its neighbour. Hedges were perfectly trimmed, cars were neatly parked on their respective driveways, and every streetlight was aglow, fireflies scattered across the canvas of the night.

Yes, it was night time. I really should have said that first. Regardless, there was not a single window ablaze among the row of identical houses, meaning that their owners had turned in. All was still.

Except, that is, for a lone passerby. I suspect he was a stalker. He calmly strode up the empty street, holding up a small silver lighter. This lighter greedily sucked the light from all of the streetlamps, set to creepy music. This important task done, the street was cloaked in darkness, giving perfect cover for the interloper to do his business...whatever that may be. Yes, now I'm very scared that he's a stalker.

Momentarily a lone light began shining in the sky. The figure looked up. The light began approaching, becoming brighter. Perhaps it was a falling cell phone. Or a golden coin lost from a pirate ship in the sky. Or a giant meteorite about to extinguish all of humanity.

Alas, it was none of these things. In fact, it was...a flying motorcycle?

The motorcycle landed. Its gigantic driver was clutching a small bundle of cloth, inside of which was a baby. Great, Motorcycle Man's a stalker, too.

Neither figure spoke, because they already knew the tasks they were to perform tonight. Thus, the stalkers remained silent.

A cat was calmly licking its paw across the street. At least, the stalkers hoped it was licking its paw. In the darkness created by the first stalker, it was hard to tell. It was also hard to tell that the cat was wearing a hat. Like the Cat in the Hat. Except NOT.

Either way, the cat was unfazed by the intruders. In fact, it began to approach them. Was it just a trick of the (nonexistent) light, or was it steadily growing?

Steadily the cat began taking on a human form...

"Oh," said Dumbledore, trying to betray no surprise but failing miserably, as he appeared to be having a nosebleed.

"My," added Hagrid, using the cloth to futilely wipe away his own nosebleed.

Harry cried. Loudly. Because no one was paying attention to him, even though the_ freaking franchise_ was named after him!

"So..." purred Blair, licking her hand in a highly suggestive manner, "did you boys bring any treats for the hungry kitty?"

Good thing it was dark.

* * *

><p>"Snake snake, cobra cobra," murmured Medusa in a very creepy voice.<p>

No, she wasn't casting a spell. She was simply admiring the snake exhibit at the zoo.

"Yessssss," ssslured Orochimaru in an equally creepy voice.

Sasuke Uchiha was leaning against the glass. The snake exhibit was located inside an entirely circular building, which essentially meant no emo corners. Thus, the Uchiha had to resort to an alternative.

"Don't do that," pleaded Crona, "the snake doesn't like it. It says so on the sign." He helpfully pointed out a sign that read _Do Not Lean On The Glass, In Case It Magically Disappears And You Fall In_.

"Hmph," Sasuke said emoly. "It's asleep anyway."

Indeed, the snake was apparently unfazed by two evil snake users, plus their- um, how do I say this? - research subjects, congregated in one place, and simply continued its afternoon nap.

Medusa and Orochimaru had met on the popular online dating site Entwined Snakes, geared toward snake users and evil villains, particularly evil snake users. Not that using snakes automatically makes you evil. That's called stereotyping, kids. It's all a conspiracy by the government to sell more puppies.

Anyway, it was Sasuke's birthday today, and they had all traveled to the zoo to celebrate. Medusa had specifically warned her son beforehand that if anything _odd _happened, he would be punished. Naturally Crona couldn't deal with that, so he was trying to be as helpful and non-destructive as possible. This could be hard when you had Ragnarok popping out of your back at random times, but Crona was trying very hard.

Presently Medusa and Orochimaru left to find a more interesting snake. Sasuke left with them in a futile effort to find a corner.

Crona remained by the sleeping snake, staring intently at it. He could sympathize with it - it was like the times his mom would lock him inside of a dark room, only to be beaten up by Ragnarok. Okay, not really, but still. They both had traumatic lives.

The snake suddenly opened its beady eyes. Slowly, very slowly, it raised its head until its eyes were level with Crona's.

_It winked._

"Ah!" Crona cried out. Suddenly he realized that, no, the snake wasn't trying to eat him. He felt obligated to wink back.

The snake pointed its head toward Sasuke, then rolled its eyes. The implied meaning was, "_Ssssstupid emo kidsssss."_

"I know," murmured Crona. "Though if you think that's bad, you should see my mom. She has an odd tendency to punish me often. I can't deal with that."

The snake nodded in agreement.

"Where do you come from, anyway?"

The snake jabbed its tail toward a sign next to the glass. It read: _Boa constrictor, Brazil._

"Was it nice there?"

The snake jabbed its tail again at the sign, and Crona read on: _This specimen was bred in captivity._

"Oh," said Crona. "I certainly wouldn't like to go to Brazil. It's hot, and the sun would burn my unusually pale skin. I can't deal with that. Then I'd catch Hepatitis because I couldn't get the immunization because my blood is black and it would harden. I can't deal with that, either."

The snake stared at him, perplexed. Suddenly a little girl named Angelica started jumping up and down, shouting, "MR. SNAKEY WOKE UP! HOORAY!"

"That's nice," remarked Mifune cautiously.

This remark caused Sasuke to walk back as emoly as he could.

"Out of my way, you," he said, punching Crona in the ribs. Due to his considerable frailness, Crona fell hard on the concrete floor. Sasuke promptly started leaning on the glass again.

"Oww," Crona moaned.

"He's blocking Mr. Snakey!" complained Angelica loudly.

What came next happened so fast no one saw what happened. One second Sasuke was leaning against the glass - the next he had fallen into the snake cage.

The boa constrictor took one look at the unexpected intruder - and promptly swallowed the Uchiha whole.

"Nooooo!" wailed Medusa and Orochimaru in unison. Despite one being a witch and the other being a powerful evil ninja, neither chose to do anything about Sasuke being eaten.

"I still can't see Mr. Snakey!" moaned Angelica. Mifune had wisely chosen to shield his self-proclaimed protégé's eyes in a futile attempt to retain some sense of innocence in her childhood.

Its meal now finished, the snake broke through the glass and slithered out of the snake exhibit. Crona could've sworn he heard a low hissing voice say, "Brazil, here I come...Thanksss, amigo."

"Spanish?" Crona groaned, still on the floor. "I can't deal with that."

* * *

><p><em>Next time: Enter Kid! The actual plot begins!<em>


	2. Worst Birthday Ever Part 1!

**Worst. Birthday. Ever. Part 1!**

Everything was perfect.

The cake was baked and had arrived safely. The eleven hand-made candles - ten black, with one white candle to represent a pure soul - were neatly arranged on a nearby table (with the white one in the middle, of course). The presents, cards, Patty's teddy bear - all measured ten, twenty, thirty times!

Yes, thought Death the Kid, everything was perfect for his eleventh birthday.

Naturally, there were complications. Exactly one week ago strange letters started arriving. He thought they were birthday cards, but who would have the nerve to send them one week early? Worse, the letters were all emblazed with a bizarre insignia. It appeared to be a shield with a raven, a badger, a lion and a snake surrounding it.

"What blatantly unsymmetrical animals!" Kid had exclaimed upon receiving his first letter. "A lion and badger never meet in nature! NEVER!" At that point he started flaming up and would surely have spontaneously combusted if Liz and Patty hadn't dumped a nearby bucket of water on him. Of course, this caused his perfectly groomed hair to become disarranged, and he spent the next five hours brushing it all back into place.

You would think that would be the worst of it, but no. When three more letters duly arrived the next day, neatly addressed to "Death the Kid, Death Manor, Death City", he had painstakingly measured the envelopes and that cursed insignia - and discovered it was two centimetres left of centre! The same error was repeated on every letter! The Kishin Asura himself could not be as diabolical.

Disgusted, he shot the three letters until they were reduced to smoking ashes.

But no, the madness did not stop there. The very next day, six more letters arrived, all with the despicable insignia two centimetres left of centre. He immediately took one of the letters up to the Death Room to show his father.

"My, my, what do we have here?" asked Lord Death, curiously overlooking the letter. "Oh! It looks like you've got your Hogwarts letter! I am so proud of you, son!" Death hopped forward, extending his arms for a hug.

"My what?" Kid growled, easily brushing off the hug. Whatever this Hogwarts was, it didn't sound very symmetrical.

"Your Hogwarts letter! Granting you attendance at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry!"

"Oh, so I'll have to trans- WHAT?" Kid's eyes bugged as he realized what his father had said. "There's WITCHCRAFT?"

"Yes, it says so right on the letter," Lord Death remarked cheerfully, blissfully unaware of his son's imminent identity crisis. Lord Death handed one of the letters back. "Look at the words on the bottom."

Indeed, there were words on the bottom. In all of the trauma caused by the off-centre insignia, Kid had failed to notice anything else about the letter. He squinted to read the words.

"Hogwarts...School...of...Witchcraft! And Wizardry too."

"What did I tell you?" Lord Death smiled behind his mask. "So when can we get started with your transfer?"

Kid gasped. Was his father brainwashed by the witches? There was no other explanation. Unless...

His father was working FOR the witches this entire time! And now Lord Death was trying to make him join too!

"The letter includes a school supply list," explained Lord Death obliviously. "Let's open it up and see-"

"IT'S A HYPNOSIS SCROLL!" yelled Kid. Quickly he dived for the nearest exit.

"Kid, what are you doing?"

Kid managed to reach a door. He pushed it open, shouting "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" for emphasis.

"Kid, what are you doing?"

Kid slammed the door behind him. "My dad's working for the witches," he panted in explanation to a nearby perplexed group of students.

"Um, okay," remarked Soul, who happened to be one of these students. "That's not very cool of him, though."

Death the Kid didn't hear that last part because he was continuing to scream while running down the hall.

"Kid, what are you doing?"

* * *

><p>Having escaped from certain brainwashing, Kid quickly devised a plan. With Lord Death working for the witches, apparently, it was no longer safe at the DWMA. He had to escape to somewhere no one would find him...<p>

But still symmetrical. No need to be exposed to disgusting asymmetry while being a fugitive.

Eventually though, he hit upon the perfect hideout: a nearby deserted island.

He ran home to Death Manor and gathered all of the necessary provisions: some food, water, the cake, the candles, his cards, his presents, a ruler, some matches, and Patty's teddy bear. The latter was very important, otherwise she would attempt to kill him.

All these necessities gathered to have a successful birthday in hiding, plus Liz and Patty in gun form, Kid piled them into a sack, and took off for the deserted island on his flying skateboard.

There were minor difficulties when they landed, as there was another family attempting to land with a boat. Coincidentally, they were also trying to evade the evil, oppressive letters. Luckily Death the Kid had guns and they didn't...or so he thought.

The moustached, slightly rotund man - apparently the head of the family - pointed an old rifle at Kid. Kid, however, remained calm and pointed out that his guns were perfectly identical, and therefore much superior.

Deeming him a raving lunatic, the Dursleys promptly left the island.

The island had a run-down shack. The shack was a sparsely furnished two-storey affair, with a double bed upstairs and a couch downstairs. Liz and Patty got the bed because everyone agreed it was awkward for Kid to share a bed with the same person he uses to shoot at people.

Travelling to the island had taken some time, but Kid thought it was worth it. Death City was hard enough to locate on a map, but what about some island in the middle of nowhere?

Confident that the letters could not reach him, Death the Kid turned to an important matter: celebrating his eleventh birthday.

* * *

><p><em>Next time: The perfect birthday is foiled! Enter an interloper!<em>


	3. Worst Birthday Ever Part 2!

**Worst. Birthday. Ever. Part 2!**

It was a very important birthday, you see, even more so than his eighth, which had both vertical and horizontal symmetry. You see, 11 would be his first palindrome age - a number that read the same both forward and backward. Liz and Patty told him that he was insane, and that 11 was no different from any other age. Repeatedly. But, oh, how could they understand what wonders awaited he whose age is a palindrome!

Kid was jolted from the wonders of the palindrome when he noted that the clock, now established comfortably in the exact centre of the wall, read 11 o'clock. Liz and Patty had turned in long before, which only proved their ignorance of the palindrome age.

Kid took out the cake and the candles. The cake was shaped like the Death family insignia, and weeks beforehand he had painstakingly measured the cake to ensure that it was symmetrical.

While measuring the cake he had made small indentations where he wished to place the candles. This had taken an entire day to set up, including the concept art he had drawn. With the prep work done, it was an easy task to put the candles in. Easy...in Death the Kid's terms.

Fifty-five minutes later five black candles were placed on the insignia's left side, and five more, in the exact mirrored position, on the right. The white candle was placed in the centre of the mask's nose, or whatever that third circle is for.

After carefully lighting the candles, Death the Kid lay down and waited patiently for the seconds to tick down.

10...

Waves lapped against the island. You know, something normal.

9...

Black Star ran into a tree while doing ninja training exercises. However, he made up for it by subsequently chopping the tree in half using Tsubaki's Enchanted Sword Mode™.

8...

Maka was having a dream about her father turning into Batman while Haruhi Fujioka's dad was the Joker, but they then went out for coffee to discuss their daughters like the stalkers they were.

7...

A shadowy figure was approaching the island...

6...

Soul opened his fridge, looking for a midnight snack. His dream had featured talking fish heads, so he was quite hungry.

Unfortunately there was no fish in the fridge, so Soul returned to bed.

5...

Death the Kid was beginning to regret his need for punctuality. That cake was looking sooooo goooood...

4...

The moon stopped laughing and surreptitiously edged closer to the lighthouse. At least something appreciated palindrome birthdays.

3...

Excalibur was stuck in the ground, wishing someone would pay attention to its birthday. Which is every single day of the year.

2...

A nurse was trying to give Crona his flu shot.

"But my blood is black," said Crona, "and it will harden, and there will be a needle sticking out of my arm, and it will hurt. I can't deal with that."

1...

"Kid, what are you doing?"

Death the Kid, who was temporarily telepathic, yelled, "HIDING FROM YOUR &^$&*^$ BRAINWASHING LETTER FROM THE &^&*^(&% WITCHES WHO YOU &*^&*(^% SIDED WITH AND-"

0.

"Wait!" yelled Kid. "I can't be angry! A palindrome age is perfectly symmetrical! This will only come around when I'm 22. Or 33. Or 44. Or 55. Or 66, 77, or -dare I say it? - 88, the most symmetrical of all the palindrome ages! Yes, I must live to be 88!"

And with that, Death the Kid blew out the candles.

Then...

"Is the countdown over?" groggily asked Liz, awakened by Kid's yelling.

"Nope!" cried Patty happily. "There's a 'Then...'! We got up just in time!"

"'Then...'?" wondered Liz. "But why?"

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

The door to the lighthouse fell over.

A giant was standing where the door used to be. Either that, or it was a heavily overused clothes rack. Lightning flashed outside. The moon, having not edged away yet to its former place, provided the perfect backdrop for this intruder.

"Hello, Kid," said the giant, establishing himself as a non-clothes rack.

Kid prepared to scream in fright - then he realized that he had no idea who this man was. "Who are you?" he calmly interrogated.

"I'm Hagrid, groundskeeper at Hogwarts."

"YOU WON'T HAVE ME!" Kid screamed defiantly. "I WON'T GO TO YOUR SCHOOL OF WITCHES! I'LL FIGHT TO PRESERVE THE NATURAL BALANCE OF THIS WORLD!"

Kid didn't really understand what that meant, but he liked the sound of it. It seemed very symmetrical.

"I also watched over you when you were a baby."

"You STALKER!"

"What's going on?" asked Liz, coming down the stairs.

"Look, the door fell down!" Patty giggled.

Kid looked toward the door. He didn't have his ruler handy, but the door was now lying in the far left corner of the lighthouse - clearly not the centre.

"NOOOOO!" He scurried over to the nearest corner to be emo.

Unfortunately Hagrid ran to the corner first, effectively blocking Kid's patch. The giant pulled out a large sack and an umbrella.

"I have strict orders from Dumbledore," declared Hagrid ominously. "You **will** attend Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Whether by your will or not. STUPEFY!"

Death the Kid had the good sense to dive out of the way in epic slow motion. A red beam of light came out of the umbrella and blew up the cake.

"My cake!" Kid cried out in horror. His eyes hardened into a glare. "You will pay for this! It was my special palindrome age cake!

"Liz! Patty! Weapon forms now!"

"Again with the palindrome," both sisters groaned in unison before turning into guns and twirling through the air in epic slow motion as Kid caught them.

He started shooting, hitting the umbrella point blank. Soon that, too, was nothing but...an umbrella with lots of holes in it, as Hagrid was cowardly and dropped the umbrella to escape the attack.

"My wand was in there!" Hagrid cried out. "No fair! You destroyed it! Again!"

"You're the one that tried to kidnap me," spat Kid remorselessly.

"Just kidding," said Hagrid, and promptly stabbed Kid with a syringe.

"Fgth gryu," said Death the Kid intelligently. He promptly collapsed, as the syringe was a sedative.

"Mwa ha ha," laughed Hagrid unepically as he stuffed Death the Kid's unconscious body, along with the guns, into the sack.

_What will become of Death the Kid? Will he adjust to life in a witching school? Why did Lord Death want him enrolled in the first place?_


	4. Hey, No Fair! I Want One Too!

**Hey, No Fair! I Want One Too!**

"What's wrong, Black Star?" Tsubaki gently asked. Her normally boisterous, obnoxious, hyperactive, superhuman and mildly insane partner had not spoken a single word today. Which, considering this is Black Star we're talking about, meant something bad had happened. Possibly a foreshadowing of the apocalypse, because a loose Kishin and revival of a creepy spider witch didn't signal that enough already.

**"I DIDN'T GET ONE!" **shouted Black Star.

"Um...get what?"

"A letter! Not one &*^&*(^ letter! Meanwhile Kid's got letters raining on him!"

"What's in the letters?" wondered Tsubaki. "It might not be anything consequential. It's probably letters from rabid fan girls. The DWMA is quite famous, you know, even if it doesn't have an explicit location."

"THE LETTERS AREN'T - wait, you do have a point," conceded Black Star. "I never did get to see the letters."

He paused for thought.

"NOW I'M MORE FURIOUS THAN EVER! WHAT'S IN THOSE LETTERS!"

Tsubaki interrupted her partner's rant/hissy fit. "You know, I haven't actually seen Death the Kid in class lately. Along with Liz and Patty. I just thought they were sick, but maybe-"

"THEY GOT A FREE, ALL EXPENSES PAID VACATION TO THE BAHAMAS! IT WAS THE LETTERS!"

Tsubaki sighed. At this rate they weren't going to make it to class on time.

"Wait a minute..." Black Star paused. "Did you say Kid's missing?"

Tsubaki nodded.

"Well, I don't know where he is, the Bahamas vacation idea notwithstanding, but I do know where he's not."

"Where?"

"In Death Manor! Let's go comb his house for those letters!"

"Um," said Tsubaki intelligently. "But we won't make it to class-"

"*^^&** class!" Black Star exclaimed. "I've got letters to hijack!"

Tsubaki was sincerely glad, on behalf of the morals of small children everywhere, that Soul Eater wasn't a kids' show.

* * *

><p>Amazingly enough, Black Star and Tsubaki were able to enter Death Manor without a pass code, a key, or even passing a single security guard. Apparently the Death family did not bother with a security force.<p>

"Yahoo!" cheered Black Star, kicking down the front door for the heck of it. "While I'm here I'll push everything two centimetres to the right!"

"Wouldn't that leave fingerprints everywhere?" Tsubaki wondered.

"I'm wearing gloves. Besides, the Soul Eater canon is not technologically advanced enough to have fingerprinting kits. Besides, all of the scientists are too busy being evil and/or mad to invent said fingerprinting kit."

Tsubaki said nothing, as she still thought messing around with other people's stuff wasn't very responsible. She was just there to make sure Black Star didn't get caught. Or worse.

"Hey, look, I found one," said Black Star.

Indeed, in the middle of the floor was a letter. This was Kid's first letter, the one that almost caused him to spontaneously combust. Having been incredibly busy that day restraitening his hair, he had forgotten to shoot it.

Black Star was:

A) not as obsessive-compulsive and nit-picky as Death the Kid, and

B) too busy trying to determine the letter's contents

so he didn't really notice the insignia, its off-centeredness, or the text at the bottom saying "Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry".

It read:

_HOGWARTS SCHOOL OF WITCHCRAFT AND WIZARDRY_

_Headmaster: Albus Dumbledore (Order of Merlin, First Class, Grand Sorc., Chf. Warlock, Supreme Mugwump, International Confed. of Wizards)_

_Dear Mr. Death,_

_We are pleased to inform you that you have a place at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry _("So repetitive," groaned Black Star)._ Please find enclosed a list of all necessary books and equipment._

_Term begins on 1 September. We await your owl _(Black Star fell down laughing)_ by no later than 31 July._

_Yours sincerely,_

_Minerva McGonagall_

_Deputy Headmistress_

"Um, okay," said Black Star, scratching his head. "So what does this mean?"

"It can't be a coincidence that Kid went missing after these letters," offered Tsubaki.

"They kidnapped him!" cried Black Star.

"I wouldn't go that far," sweatdropped Tsubaki.

"No! Listen to me!" protested Black Star. "See? There's an empty bucket over there. And lots of water around. Then, combined with this letter..."

_"Oh, look, a letter," said Death the Kid, traipsing up to the envelope lying on the floor._

_"Yaaaaay!" he cried, eagerly tearing open the envelope. He pulled out a letter._

_"Wait!" Kid cried out. "Look at this Dumbley Door's titles! I'm so confused!"_

_Suddenly a ninja, obviously dressed all in black, hit him on the head with a bucket._

_"Ows," said Kid, then he fainted._

_"..." said the ninja. Then he turned himself into a sea turtle. He crawled toward the ocean with his captive sprawled on his black, leaving behind a trail of water in the process._

"So the whole point of the letter is to distract the receiver?" mused Tsubaki.

"Exactly!" said Black Star. "I'm such a big star, I shone so brightly and saw beyond the fabricated sentences for what they really were! I'll use my heightened sense of my surroundings to crush the Sea Turtle Ninja!"

"I think it's farfetched, with the sea turtle and everything," remarked Tsubaki. "But you're right, the whole thing is highly suspicious. We should investigate further."

"&&()&* yeah!" cheered Black Star.

* * *

><p>"Why would Kid get a letter and I, definitely the superior fighter, student, meister etc., don't?" whined Black Star as they exited Death Manor. "Did they not think I'm a big enough star?"<p>

"Since the letter appears to be the key to his disappearance, it's probably a good thing you didn't get one," Tsubaki pointed out.

"Oh. Yeah, that too."

"He's also Lord Death's son. Perhaps Hogwarts is seeking some kind of ransom?"

"I don't think so," snorted Black Star. "With his unidentified, yet glaringly obvious, OCD, _I_ certainly wouldn't want him back. I mean, he's one big pain in the - NO, SERIOUSLY, WHY DIDN'T I GET A LETTER?"

Tsubaki sweatdropped. Didn't they already have this conversation?

"The letter mentioned wizards a lot," Tsubaki mused. "And witchcraft. It definitely emphasizes magic."

"So Kid was really a witch this whole time and spying on us?" Black Star demanded. "Not to mention crossdressing! Ewwww!"

"You realize that wizards are the male equivalent of a witch, right? In this context, anyway. I hope."

"Let's ignore the gender issues for now," decided Black Star, "and focus on what's really important. Like eating food. And showering. And WHY I DIDN'T GET A LETTER!"

"Maybe you're not magical," Tsubaki stated bluntly.

Black Star froze. "Oh," he said blankly.

"Not that that's a bad thing!" covered Tsubaki, worried she had insulted him. "Look, you're one of the top fighters in our class! You fought a samurai, a zombie, a mad scientist, a hologram of an immortal magical werewolf, and even the Kishin itself and you haven't died yet! That's an achievement unto itself."

"Yeah, and I can blow away insignificant, minor student filler characters without a weapon!" Black Star continued. "...No offense meant, Tsubaki."

"Not to mention that you can now (sort of) handle the power of Enchanted Sword Mode™!" concluded Tsubaki.

"Yeah! I can't perform ninjutsu or genjutsu, but I'm sure skilled at taijutsu!"

Black Star suddenly had an awful vision of himself in green spandex, sporting a fresh bowlcut, huge eyebrows, and hugging a similarly dressed guy named Gai-sensei.

"Eww!" he cried out.

"What was that?" wondered Tsubaki.

"Umm...nothing. But, magic or not, we're going to break into that school and show them what we've got!"

Tsubaki nodded in agreement once more, even though this was a very stupid idea.

"All right! Let's go to Hogwarts and kick some-"

"What about Death the Kid?" interrupted Tsubaki.

"I'll save him. Then I'll kick his *(&^* too."

"Yes, we'll do it together," offered Tsubaki, "just...maybe not that last part."

"Your loss," retorted Black Star. "So, um, one question. Where is this Hogwarts?"

* * *

><p><em>Meanwhile, at Baga Yaga castle...<em>

"Why didn't he get a letter?" wondered Giriko.

"Not you, too!" groaned Mosquito.

"I would tell you if you boys stopped fighting," murmured Lady Arachne.

The three evil people were all crowded around a crystal ball - which, naturally, act as stalking devices.

"We're sorry, Lady Arachne," moaned Giriko and Mosquito.

"The truth is," Lady Arachne continued in her seductive voice, "Black Star is younger than the others. For example, while Death the Kid and his other classmates are all age 11 for the purposes of this story, Black Star is only nine."

"And the letters only come when you're 11," elaborated Giriko unnecessarily.

"Exactly. So Black Star won't be receiving a letter for a while."

A mutual silence followed this comment.

"But, yeah, the girl was right, he's not magical either."

"A Muggle," giggled Mosquito.

"Ha ha ha!" laughed Giriko. Then he gasped. "Wait - that's a Harry Potter term, isn't it? You're a fan of that *&*(? LAME."

"You're _not _a fan?" growled Mosquito. "How dare you call Harry Potter LAME. You're LAME."

"Are they talking about me?" wondered Excalibur, wandering into the supposedly secure evil lair.

Unfortunately no one noticed him as Giriko and Mosquito were busy fighting, and Lady Arachne had meanwhile tuned into a Spider-Man movie marathon on her crystal ball.

_Next time: They're not leaving me behind! Black Star takes desperate measures! _


	5. Of BreakIns and Trains

**Of Break-Ins And Trains  
><strong>

Author's Note: For the purposes of this story, I made up birthdays for all the characters.

* * *

><p>"Black Star, come look at this," called Tsubaki.<p>

"Huh? What is it?" muttered Black Star groggily. He had broken into Dr. Stein's laboratory in the middle of the night to use his computer and was currently trying to find Hogwarts via MapQuest. Naturally this wasn't working too well. He was also eating powdered doughnuts that he got from...somewhere.

"I got a letter," she whispered nervously.

"WHOA!"cried Black Star. Tsubaki was worried that he'd wake up Dr. Stein. Then the letter would be the least of their worries.

"An owl flew by and dropped this letter," Tsubaki explained. "It has my name on it, so I suppose it's mine."

Indeed, the letter was addressed to "Tsubaki Nakatsukasa, Field Outside Dr. Franken Stein's House, Death City".

She opened the envelope. It was the same letter as before, it just said "Dear Miss Nakatsukasa".

Black Star turned away from the computer to check for the shape shifting ninja. Satisfied that there was no such threat, Black Star approached to examine the letter for himself.

"How come I didn't get one," he muttered, forgetting the conversation from the previous chapter and not being telepathic to hear the evil people's conversation.

Suddenly he had an idea. A very evil idea indeed. It made Medusa's revival seem like an act of charity in comparison.

Quickly he grabbed the letter from a shocked Tsubaki and placed it in Dr. Stein's scanner. Momentarily the letter appeared onscreen. Black Star saved the file in Word, then opened the Microsoft Word program. He subtly altered the letter, then clicked 'Print'.

By some miracle Dr. Stein had stocked his printer with the same brand of parchment Hogwarts used, so the counterfeit letter actually looked genuine.

After Dumbledore's many titles, the letter read: _"Dear Mr. Star". _Black Star held it up, triumphantly.

Tsubaki, who hadn't uttered a word during the entire spectacle, wondered, "How the *&%# did you do that, Black Star?"

"Before the rest of the Star clan died out, they taught me computer hacking skillz," Black Star declared proudly. Unfortunately, the DWMA had no computer lab, and computers are very expensive, so few households had one. Thus this particular talent of his went unnoticed.

"So we'll need supplies," commented Black Star. "Hey, I have an idea! There was this one extra-curricular lesson to fight Kishins in London. Let's go and shop there!"

"Why not just shop in Death City?" asked Tsubaki.

"I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO GO TO LONDON, ^&%^%&^* IT!"

Tsubaki, quickly abandoning her argument, quietly supported, "Okay, we'll go to London."

* * *

><p>Dr. Franken Stein lazily stirred his coffee, prepared for another day of teaching at the DWMA, reflecting on his growing madness - and, possibly, dissecting something. Stein smiled at the thought.<p>

Suddenly the mad scientist had a dismaying observation: there was no cigarette! He was Soul Eater's token smoker, he needed to do better than this!

"But wait," he recalled to himself, "I always keep a pack by my computer. So that, in case I have illusions of the Kishin taking over my body, I can inflict cigarette burns on myself. Excellent."

Whether it was due to the cigarettes or his apparent masochist tendencies, we'll never know.

No sooner did he spin his roly-poly chair over to the computer than Stein noted another dismaying observation: someone had stolen some of his extra-special, Hogwarts-brand parchment paper! He had been using the paper to send bogus letters to rabid, nameless fangirls, signing them "Draco Malfoy". You know, to line up some emergency victims in case he desperately needed a dissection fix.

Even more dismaying than that was the fact that his scanner was on. This was using unnecessary electrical energy which would eventually lead to global warming, a zombie apocalypse, etc. Deep down, Stein tried very hard to maintain an eco-friendly lifestyle, but due to more 'interesting' facets of his personality this little tidbit went unnoticed.

No sooner did Stein shut off the scanner in disgust than he realized someone also left the computer on. The program MapQuest was also open, displaying an "ERROR. DESTINATION NOT FOUND" message. The keyboard was also covered in what appeared to be powdered sugar. His continuing frustration about the waste of energy was overridden by the fact that _someone _had to be there to leave the scanner and computer on.

Hmm...

"Now would be a good time to have a fingerprinting kit," Stein commented to no one in particular.

* * *

><p>The next morning, Black Star and Tsubaki left for their extra-curricular lesson in London. Maka and Soul joined them for the lesson too. They had to take a train because...airplanes weren't invented in Soul Eater canon. And trains were cool.<p>

"Yahoo!" cheered Black Star excitedly. "It's snowing outside!"

"Um..." Maka pointed out, "it's supposed to be July."

"Oh," said Black Star. "Last night I had to stay awake by eating powdered doughnuts. Perhaps it's an after-effect."

He cleverly avoided explaining why he had stayed up in the first place.

"Hey, have either of you guys seen Kid lately?" requested Maka.

"Yeah, ever since July 17 he's been absent, along with Liz and Patty," added Soul. "He's usually so punctual about these things. Skipping his classes on purpose isn't cool."

"We were wondering about that, too," offered Tsubaki cautiously. Perhaps Maka and Soul knew something about the disappearance.

"They were KIDNAPPED and taken to HOGWARTS!" shouted Black Star bluntly, completely ignoring the fact that he totally blew his team's cover.

"Kidnapped!" exclaimed Maka. "You mean by Medusa and the others? Or Lady Arachne?"

"What's a Hogwarts?" muttered Soul.

Only now did Black Star realize what he had done. Also realizing that there'd be no putting the genie back in the bottle, he simply showed Maka and Soul the Hogwarts letters. Both the real and counterfeit ones.

"But this doesn't make any sense," sighed Soul. "Term only starts on September 1st, and Kid vanished on July 17. What's the connection?"

"Wait a minute!" shouted Black Star. "It's a freaking palindrome!"

"Seriously, what's with all the new words today?" groaned Soul. Annoyed, he left to find a different car to sleep in.

Black Star continued his rant loudly. "July 17! If you write the date numerically, it's the same forwards and backwards! '7/17'. 717. If that's not Kid's birthday, I don't know what is!"

"Ah! So that's why he insisted on being three weeks overdue!" remarked Lord Death while watching football on his mirror. That is, football with giant peacocks as the players. Their mascot was...Mr. Flammable from Full Metal Alchemist!

Maka's eyes widened. "That's so...clever. If convenient."

"We also found a letter in Kid's house," revealed Tsubaki. "Um, not that we stole anything, we just wanted to see if we could find any clues."

"The letters must come around your birthday," Maka reasoned.

"And if you don't come to them...they'll come for you," remarked Soul ominously.

"I thought you were sleeping!" chastised Maka.

"I was. Then some guy in a convict outfit came and almost sat on me. I decided it was a good time to leave."

"Anyway," Tsubaki tried to guide back the train of thought, "the letter says something about sending your owl. I suppose Soul is right then, that if you don't reply they'll get you personally."

"Or maybe Kid's just special," remarked Soul only semi-sarcastically.

"Yeah, so special to turn a palindrome age on a palindrome date," Black Star scowled. He then did a mock-impersonation of Death the Kid: "Oh, look at me, I'm 11, the same forward and backward. On 7/17, no less! Sing with me! 717, 7, 1, 7, and backward now! 717, 7, 1- oh no, I have to go to Hoggie Warts now! See you next time, when we'll eat perfect circle pizzas!"

"That's it!" cried out Maka. "The letters come when you turn 11!"

"Actually, a week in advance," corrected Tsubaki. "I got one yesterday, July 20, and my birthday's only on the 27. Which, by pure coincidence, is another palindrome date. 727."

* * *

><p>"It blows my brains!" shouted Sid the zombie. "That is, if I still had brains. Gimmie some braiiins..."<p>

He ran out to the supermarket to buy some brains. Unfortinately there were none, so he returned home,

_Next time: Shredded and Devoured! The horrifying fates of Maka and Soul's Hogwarts letters!_


	6. Writer's Workshop Gone WRONG

**Writers' Workshop Gone WRONG**

Author's Note: You'll notice that this chapter is extra long. I actually had written this as one continuous part, and didn't feel like splitting it up. Consider this a special treat. :)

* * *

><p>"So that's why I didn't get a letter," remarked Black Star. "I'm only 9, apparently. That gives me all the more reason to kick some wizard &amp;*^%&amp;!"<p>

Maka and Soul decided they seriously didn't want to know.

"So what about you guys?" Black Star demanded. "Did you get any letters? Or are you not magical?"

Maka was lost in thought. "No, I vaguely remember, on my birthday back on January 15..."

_"Happy Birthday, Maka!" Soul and Blair shouted, jumping out from behind the couch._

_"A surprise! I like surprises!" remarked Maka cheerfully._

_"Heeey Honey," crooned Spirit, wandering in through the open apartment door._

_"Only some surprises," Maka growled, preparing to punch him._

_Suddenly an owl rammed into the back of Spirit's head, causing him to keel over forward, narrowly missing Maka's punch. She ended up punching the owl by accident._

_"**** you," it said in owl language before flying away._

_"Hey, look, a letter," Soul happily pointed out, "on your dad's back. It was from the owl. You should open it."_

_"Okay," said Maka, opening it. Incidentally, the letter was addressed to "Maka, Spirit's Back, Death City"._

_It was the same letter as before. Or later, if you think about it. Or...never mind, this is giving me a headache.  
><em>

_Spirit wisely used the author's tangent to get up._

_"What's this?" he said, snatching it from his daughter's hands._

_"Let go! That's my letter!"_

_"It landed on my back."_

_"AFTER an owl accidentally rammed into you!"_

_"Oh no," murmured Spirit, who had given up any hope of winning the argument and turned instead to reading the letter. "It seems to be an offer to join a boarding school. You won't be able to survive my absence for an entire school year!"_

_"Or is it the other way around," Maka thought, but wisely didn't say out loud._

_"This is an artefact of the devil...it must be DESTROYED!" Spirit triumphantly yelled, turning into a multi-bladed scythe and chopping the letter into little pieces._

_Maka and Blair watched the whole spectacle, jaws dropped. Soul started staring at the fridge in the meantime._

_The letter now destroyed, Spirit found that he was unable to move in his weapon form._

_"Um...can someone help me up, please?"_

_"Not a chance," growled Maka, throwing her dad out the door._

Tsubaki stared at Maka after her story, jaw dropped. Black Star just laughed at her dad's stupidity.

"This is no laughing matter!" reprimanded Tsubaki, recovered from her shock. "Her dad's a stalker!" To Maka she whispered, "Have you ever considered reporting him in a child abuse case?"

"Considering what happened to Crona, I don't think child abuse cases are very effective in this canon," Maka whispered back. "Besides, it's fun to punch him."

"What about you, Soul?" remarked Black Star. "What's your story?"

"Well..."

**"Soul, come with me. I will give you power..." whispered a red demon.**

"Where the &^&(%% did that come from. Let me try again. It was my birthday on March 8..."

_Soul was walking along the empty alleyways of Death City. Naturally, the sane people kept away since bad things always seem to be happening in these alleyways. Then again, if these people were truly smart, they wouldn't be in a place called "Death City" in the first place._

_An owl swooped low overhead, and Soul considered ducking. After all, it was highly likely the owl would drop a little present._

_But no, instead the owl dropped a letter. It was addressed to "Soul Eater, Random Alleyway, Death City"._

_Suddenly a tomato randomly fell from the sky and landed on the letter. SQUISH! Soon the envelope was as red as blood._

_It was very dark in the alleyway, so Soul mistook the letter for a Kishin soul. He promptly ate it._

_"Tastes like tomatoes," he remarked suspiciously._

"So one of you ate your letter by accident, and the other had theirs destroyed by a stalker dad," summarized Black Star.

"Precisely," agreed Soul.

"Owls seem to be a recurring theme," pointed out Tsubaki. "They also seem to drop letters."

"Therefore...owls constitute their postal system?" mused Maka with an extremely perplexed look on her face.

Soul grabbed one of the letters. "It says here that they 'await our owl'. So I suppose Maka's right."

"For once," sneered Black Star.

"Oh!" cried out Tsubaki. "That means we need to send a reply!"

"Why?" muttered Black Star. "Seems like a pain in the-"

"Otherwise they'll kidnap us!" retorted Maka. "Just like Kid!"

"What's the big deal? I've always wanted to be kidnapped."

"Keep in mind that kidnapping usually involves the victim being unconscious," remarked Soul. "Getting you to Hogwarts is one thing. Now, if it's a long-lasting sedative they use, imagine what they could do to you while you're unconscious..."

"Like adding body parts?" sneered Black Star. "Or getting black blood? I can deal with that. Heck, if it'll let me become a bigger star, they can do anything to my body!"

"I was thinking," here Soul smiled a smile so evil Medusa would be quite proud, "something along the lines of a sex change."

Black Star instantly shut up for five seconds.

Then he promptly ran screaming toward the bathroom car.

"I DON'T WANNA BE A GIRL! I'M A BOY! A BOY!"

However, he was screaming in a very high-pitched, girly voice, so it was kind of a moot point.

"He's scared of transgender-ness?" wondered Maka.

"Keep in mind he's only 9," remarked Tsubaki, "and not exactly mature for his age. He probably still thinks girls spread cooties."

At that the whole car burst into giggles.

* * *

><p>"Much as I enjoy exploiting Black Star's weakness," Soul said between laughing fits, "weren't we discussing sending a reply?"<p>

"Yes," acknowledged Tsubaki solemnly. "But there's a problem. I suspect the school is expecting a reply on parchment paper. Which we don't have. There's also the issue of who writes the letter."

"I'll do it," volunteered Soul. "I always write stories and draw comics during lecture time. I must've done 15 pages of work during Excalibur's five-hour storytelling party alone! Of course, I fell asleep after three hours-"

"Whatever, just write the letter," dismissed Maka, handing her partner some spare loose-leaf from her binder. Yes, Maka carries around a binder of loose-leaf paper. Sadly, as she's usually busy fighting witches and Kishins, this particular habit went unnoticed for much of the series.

_Five minutes later..._

"If only he would work this hard in class," commented Maka.

"May I see what you've done so far?" requested Tsubaki.

"Sure," mumbled Soul, pushing a finished sheet towards the girls.

_"We WILL go to Hogwarts!" growled Night Star._

_"No. You will not," said Ka-Nor the alien general. His tentacles clicked in delight when he added, "I think the blue-haired one will be a nice addition to the salt mines, don't you think, Bella-Frosht?"_

_The alien next to him giggled. "Yes, my sweet," she gushed. "I think I'll eat the pigtailed one."_

_The young girl Naka cried._

_"No! I will protect you!" proclaimed Night Star._

_Ka-Nor sent telepathic waves into Night Star's mind. He crumbled to the ground, shouting in pain._

_"Make...it...stop!" he choked out, placing a dagger to his throat. Oh, to end this pain..._

_"Fear not, young adventurers!" declared a booming voice._

_Naka and Night Star gasped. It was the legendary...SOUL EATER!_

_Soul Eater created a shimmering blue ball of Chi energy and smashed it into Ka-Nor's stomach. The alien cried out in pain before exploding into one thousand slimy slugs, which also exploded._

_"No! I beg you! Spare me!" pleaded Bella-Frosht, getting down on her long, hairless leg._

_"You dare to threaten to devour my love?" boomed Soul Eater. In the background Naka squealed in delight._

_Soul Eater grabbed a twig, sharpened it to perfection and -_

"Inappropriate!" shouted the Funimation dub team, afraid that that particular scene would catapult Soul Eater to an R rating.

_"The aliens are vanquished!" declared Soul Eater. "Proceed to Hogwarts as planned!"_

_"B-But you're hurt!" cried Naka._

_Indeed, in the censored scene Soul Eater had suffered a mortal wound. "I have but a minute to live," the hero gasped. "Go on, go to Hogwarts without me, save Kid in my name! Let my sacrifice not be wasted."_

_"But life isn't worth living without you..." moaned Naka._

_"Don't worry, I'll always be there for you," swore Soul Eater. Then his eyes shut for the last time._

_"Oh Soul," moaned Naka, grasping her hero's body and-_

"And that's where the page ends," said Tsubaki simply.

"Oh, good," replied the Funimation dub team, "we almost needed another censor there!"

"A-hem," coughed Maka, tearing away the piece of paper Soul was furiously scribbling on.

"But I just got to the part where Naka is about to die, but Soul Eater magically rises from the ground, takes the killing blow, then dies again!"

Maka made incomprehensible angry noises while tearing up all the pages of Soul's story. "This is supposed to be a formal reply, not your ACTION FANTASY!"

* * *

><p>"Let me try," offered Tsubaki. She took a blank sheet of paper and started writing.<p>

_Five minutes later..._

"Want to see what I've written so far?" Tsubaki smiled nervously.

"Sure!" exclaimed Maka. She eagerly grabbed the sheet Tsubaki gently handed her.

_We are Tsubaki,_

_Maka, Soul Eater, Black Star_

_We send our reply._

"Haiku?" Soul's eyebrow twitched. "I'm sorry. I don't do haiku. Not cool at all!"

"We are not sending them any of your writing," Maka countered. "They'll think we're barbarians!"

"Fine, then," Soul growled, "you write something."

"I think I will."

_Five __more__ minutes later..._

"So, how did you do?" Soul asked innocently, looking over Maka's paper. He groaned.

_I' art writing to thou to express mine interest in attending the school of magic that flourishes within thy letters, amonst my companions Black Star -_

"Um, no," stated Soul.

"We don't want them to think we're more pompous than them," Tsubaki sweatdropped.

Suddenly Black Star ran back into their car, pale as a ghost.

"What on earth are we talking about?" he asked as if his little incident fifteen minutes ago had never happened.

"Can you write a...normal letter, by any chance?" asked Soul innocently.

"Um, yeah," replied Black Star. "I could also write it on the parchment paper I stole from Dr. Stein's lab."

"Really?" Tsubaki and Maka's eyes sparkled. "Could you write a reply to Hogwarts on that parchment paper for us?"

"Yeah, the general consensus is that none of us can," added Soul.

"No," said Black Star flatly.

"BUT WHY?" cried the girls.

"I am such a huge star, I do not lower myself to writing words on paper."

"Oh yeah?" Soul muttered cockily. "I've got two words for you."

"Yeah? What are they?"

"The second one is 'Implants'. The first one is 'B-"

"OKAY, OKAY! I'LL DO IT! GEEZ, YOU FIND THE ONE THING I CAN'T DEAL WITH!"

As Black Star scurried to work on the parchment paper, Maka turned to Soul. "Speaking of not dealing with stuff...have you seen Crona lately?"

"Probably in his corner," remarked Soul, "because he's emo Medusa intimidated him into betraying us or something. It was rather confusing."

"What was that?"

"I said he's in his corner."

"Okay," Maka smiled. "I thought you were foreshadowing something there."

"I'm done!" called Black Star.

"How did you do?" inquired Tsubaki.

_Dear Mr. Dumbledore,_

_Maka, Soul Eater, Tsubaki and I would be delighted to come to Hogwarts. I apologize on behalf of Maka and Soul for not answering to their own letters promptly. They simply needed more time to decide if the school was right for them._

_All four of us are travelling to London to find our school supplies. Bizarre weather, though. It's snowing in July!_

_Yours truly,_

_Black*Star_

"Was the signature really necessary?" sweatdropped Maka.

"Of course!" proclaimed Black Star. "This signature is the proof of what a big star I am!"

"Good thing you didn't mention Kid," Tsubaki noted. "We don't want them to get suspicious."

The train they were on ground to a stop. It was almost midnight, but the foursome were too excited to even think of going to bed.

"Well, here we are. London," Black Star commented.

"Yes..." said Maka.

"Yahoo! Let's get this letter sent and buy some supplies!"

As soon as the foursome exited the train an owl swooped down to them.

Shrugging, Black Star tied the letter to the owl's leg. "To Hogwart's School," he told the owl, "and be sure to tell them that a big star is about to arrive at their school!"

Fortunately, the owl seemed to know what it was doing, because it flew off in a northerly direction.

"Okay, let's review the supply list," declared Soul. There was only one copy, as Black Star did not think to photocopy the list, so they would have to be super careful not to lose it.

"Is this for real?" Soul groaned. He was doing that a lot lately, he noted.

**Uniform**

_First-year students will require:_

_1. Three Sets of Plain Work Robes (Black)_

_2. One Plain Pointed Hat (Black) for day wear_

_3. One Pair of Protective Gloves (dragon hide or similar)_

_4. One Winter Cloak (Black, silver fastenings)_

_Please note that all student's clothes should carry name-tags. They will also adopt the colours of your house. MAGICALLY._

**Books**

_All students should have a copy of each of the following (not that you'll use any of them):_

The Standard Book of Spells (Grade 1) _by Miranda Goshawk_

A History of Magic _by Bathilda Bagshot_

Magical Theory _by Adalbert Waffling_

A Beginner's Guide to Transfiguration _by Emeric Switch_

One Thousand Magical Herbs and Fungi _by Phyllida Spore_

Magical Drafts and Potions _by Arsenius Jigger_

Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them _by Newt Scamander_

The Dark Forces: A Guide to Self-Protection _by Quentin Trimble _

**Other Equipment**

_1 Wand_

_1 Cauldron (pewter, standard size 2, OR ELSE.)_

_1 set of glass or crystal phials_

_1 telescope_

_1 set of brass scales_

_1 wand again_

_Students may also bring an Owl OR a Cat OR a Toad. Other pets will be approved only as plot points or for the special people._

PARENTS ARE REMINDED THAT FIRST YEARS ARE NOT ALLOWED THEIR OWN BROOMSTICKS.

"Can we buy all this in London?" Tsubaki wondered aloud.

"If you know where to go," said Black Star. "For example, let's try that abandoned house over there..."

"I have a bad feeling about this," muttered Maka. The house in question would be more appropriate in a trash heap than as real estate in London.

"Maybe no one lives here," said Soul. He was about to turn the door when...

"Hey! That's my house!"

Soul gasped in surprise. "It's the guy that almost sat on me on the train!"

"Yes," stated the man in the convict outfit. "I fight you now!"

"Why?" asked Tsubaki.

"BECAUSE IT'S MY LIFE!" shouted the man, turning into a werewolf. He charged for the foursome...

_Next time: Sudden name change! Crashing the house of an immortal, magic werewolf!  
><em>


	7. Hey, It's His Life!

**Hey, It's His Life!**

Author's Note: Today was Thanksgiving (at least in Canada), so I would like to take this opportunity to thank all of you for taking the time to read my story. Thanks also to those who left reviews! **  
><strong>

* * *

><p>Last time, our heroes were about to be mauled by an immortal, magic werewolf...<p>

And now, the exciting conclusion.

"Wait!" exclaimed Black Star. "We don't want to fight you! Actually, I kinda do later, but I don't think Maka does..."

"You're not helping," Maka growled, clenching her hands into fists.

Tsubaki cut in. "We're sorry we tried to break into your house! We just wanted to find school supplies for Hogwarts! Honest!" She knelt down and pleaded.

"Hogwarts? School supplies?" repeated the werewolf in mid-charge. "Wait a minute...I was once a Hogwarts student too." With those words he stopped charging and returned to his human form.

"Really?" wondered Tsubaki. "What's it like?"

"If you're going to all the trouble of buying supplies, you're pretty much set on going, aren't you?" chuckled the werewolf. He was spontaneously making tea for them. Hey, he's magical!

"So it's 'wait-and-see'," muttered Soul. "Great. Just great."

"I suspect you know all about Hogwarts already?" continued the werewolf.

The various weapons and meisters looked at one another. "Let's see, um...no," they all stated simultaneously.

"You'll see," grinned the werewolf.

"Would you at least help us with school supplies?" requested Tsubaki. "We just got to London, but I doubt we could find much on this list by ourselves."

"I know. Looks like you'll just have to trust me."

Maka sighed. "We have no choice. I don't want to give my trust to a complete stranger, but this may be our only chance to find out what happened to Kid. So yes, I choose to trust you."

"Aye," added Tsubaki.

"Aye," groaned Soul. Ever since Kid vanished it was one long, permanent bad day for him.

"Aye," concluded Black Star, "but only because I'm so strong I can probably kill you anyway."

"Dude, I'm immortal. But you have a point."

On that point the five prepared to make sail...wait, they're not on a ship. Unless it's another government conspiracy, and England's one big ship, so the government can sell life jackets.

"One thing," interrupted the werewolf. "I need a name."

"Um, yeah," remarked Soul. "We noticed."

"For the first time in two hundred years, I am free...That's it! My name shall be Free," the werewolf declared triumphantly.

"No," refused Soul. "Free is a sissy name. You need a cool name. Like...Kugonza."

"Or Napoleon," offered Maka.

"Or Judy," smiled Tsubaki. "It's short for Judith," she offered as explanation.

"You're all wrong!" shouted Black Star. "His new name will be...not Skylor...not Kailen...not Fordel...but Prosper!"

"I actually like Napoleon," remarked the soon-to-be-named werewolf.

"Okay!" smiled Maka and Tsubaki.

"How uncool," groaned Soul, his bad day only continuing.

"He'll never become a star," moped Black Star.

* * *

><p>The next day (it was the general consensus that too much stuff happened that night, so Napoleon kindly offered them his house to sleep in), the group prepared to kick some...items...off the school supplies list.<p>

Some earlier than others.

"Yahoo!" screamed Black Star, jumping up and down on a mattress. He had previously destroyed the bed it was on. "I can't wait to get a wand and a cauldron and a toad - maybe not so much - and kick some wizard ^%*%^!"

"It's 5:30 am, genius," muttered Maka under the covers. For reasons unknown, she had been forced to share a double bed with him. Soul and Tsubaki were sleeping in the other double bed while Napoleon got to sleep on the couch. Suspicious abundance of beds notwithstanding, I think the wolf lucked out here.

"Napoleon's not up yet, so we don't even know where to go. If you can't sleep, go weed the garden," Maka continued, "...or else." Her eyes narrowed into a glare at these last words.

Black Star, deciding a sleep-deprived, &*&*ed off Maka was not something he wanted to deal with, he rushed out to do just that.

No sooner did he enter Napoleon's backyard than he saw a small potato-shaped creature run by. It seemed to be clutching a colourful piece of candy. Occasionally it would mutter, "Geroff me."

"What's this?" Black Star thought out loud, reaching out to touch the curious thing. It bit his hand.

"Coool," remarked Black Star. He quickly shoved the creature into a rather convenient burlap sack and ran back inside.

Presently he reached a trunk marked with a big star, as his initials...well, could be taken the wrong way. Just before turning in Napoleon pulled out two large trunks for the group to share. Unlike the beds, they all stuck with the usual partnerships. These trunks were intended to hold all of the required school supplies.

Black Star shoved the creature inside of the trunk, then proceeded back outside to weed the garden as planned.

"Good morning, kids," casually commented Napoleon, wearing blue Snoopy pyjamas.

"YOU'RE LATE!" shouted Maka, Soul, Tsubaki and Black Star. "It's NOON ALREADY!"

Black Star had finished weeding the backyard - which looked like a tropical jungle before, so this was quite an accomplishment. After that he trained in the reclaimed backyard.

Meanwhile Maka and the others chose to play with some cards they found lying in one of the cases. Curiously the cards were labelled "Pokémon" on the back. The cards themselves featured colourful creatures and a complex mix of Japanese (translated into English) and strange symbols. These included such helpful things as "50 HP" and a small circle in the bottom right-hand corner.

Even the Japanese/English parts were hard to understand, saying such things as, "Flip a coin. If heads, the Defending Pokémon is now paralyzed."

"Anyway," Napoleon continued, "I think it's about time the storyline was advanced in a competent direction. Let's go get those supplies."

"This is the secret entrance," declared Napoleon proudly. He had changed back into his convict's outfit.

On the walk through 'normal' London, Napoleon had taken the time to briefly explain that all the supplies they needed were in Diagon Alley, and that could only be accessed from a secret entrance...which he had totally blown. While in a convict's outfit.

No one said immortal magic werewolves were smart.

Maka was just about to comment on said werewolf's intelligence when she heard a familiar voice.

"Hey...Maka..."

* * *

><p>"Crona!" Maka exclaimed happily.<p>

"Yes..." Soul said less enthusiastically. After all, this was the same kid who almost killed him once. Though the wound left a _really _cool scar.

"Do I know you?" asked Napoleon. No one said immortal magic werewolves have great memories, either.

"I don't like it in London," Crona complained. "It's crowded, and people keep staring at my hair. I can't deal with that."

Tsubaki stared at his pink hair. "Well, it is an unusual colour."

"See!" declared Crona. "It's just like that! Worse, people keep thinking I'm a girl! I can't -"

"Is it natural?" Soul wondered out loud.

Crona looked like he'd much rather be somewhere else. His body shook all over while his eyes simultaneously began to twitch.

Trying to redeem himself and defuse the dramatic scene, which was drawing more curious eyes than ever, Napoleon declared, "Now, now, once we're past this door, we'll be in the wizarding world."

"It sounds scary," Crona moaned, hiding behind Maka at this point.

"It's filled with wackos. They'll accept you for who you are."

"Okay," said Crona, sounding a lot braver than he felt. He sounded like a baby puppy confronted by an evil master with a chainsaw, so this wasn't a good sign.

"Let's go in." Napoleon scooped up Crona with one arm - in case he tried to run/wobble/fly away (using Ragnarok). The weapons and meisters nervously followed.

Inside the Leaky Cauldron were old witches gossiping in a corner over glasses of sherry, a small man talking to the old, grumpy-looking barman, and lots of weird-looking people in pointy hats. Because everyone knows witches and wizards wear hats - the weirder the better!

Now, try to imagine their surprise when an unusually burly man wearing a convict's outfit walked in with a frail, skinny, pink-haired boy wearing what looked suspiciously like a black dress slumped under one arm.

Then imagine their further surprise when four kids walked in behind him. These were no ordinary kids. For an entire population of people never exposed to anime, they simply defied description.

All chatter stopped when the group walked in. Who could really blame them?

* * *

><p><em>Next time: Entering Diagon Alley! First step inside the wizarding world!<em>


	8. EnterThe Wizarding World

**Enter...The Wizarding World**

"Are you Hagrid?" asked the bartender curiously.

"Can't say I know him," remarked Napoleon. "I'm Napoleon, the ex-convict, immortal magic werewolf."

If there was any buzz of conversation left, it was certainly killed swiftly by that line.

"An immortal...magic...werewolf?" wondered the barman. He shrugged. "Bizarre."

The pub decided it was wise to let these weird people pass through. A few took curious glances at Black Star's blue hair.

"E-e-excuse m-me," stuttered a pale young man, nervously walking up to the group. "A-a-re any of y-y-y-you f-f-fine y-y-youngs-t-ters att-ttending H-Hogwart-t-ts Sc-chool of W-w-wit-t-t-tchcraft and W-w-wizard-dry?"

"Not looking," moaned Crona, covering his eyes.

"Ye-" Black Star was about to yell.

"No," Maka said flatly.

"T-t-that's t-t-t-t-to b-b-bad-d, I'm a t-t-teacher t-there."

Maka flashed pink with massive embarrassment. "Oh," she whispered quietly, tapping two fingers together. "I misunderstood the question..." she stammered. Oh, Black Star wouldn't let her live this down!

"Look, a wine cellar," Napoleon tried the redeeming/defusing combo again. "I'll show you around." He practically shoved the weapons and meisters toward said wine cellar.

The 'wine cellar' was actually a courtyard, with a brick wall on one side.

"We're out of the pub," Maka remarked. "You can open your eyes now."

Crona did just that. "Who was the stuttering man? He sounded scary."

"And not just plain scared?" Soul thought to himself.

"Now, if you tap one of these bricks three times," Napoleon duly explained, "it should open up to Diagon Alley. I just forgot which brick."

Black Star rammed his head against the wall in frustration.

Maka sighed, sitting on an abandoned sack of potatoes. This would be the perfect opportunity to help the group, to make up for her embarrassment in the previous scene - but how?

It was then that she noticed a small soul floating by the brick wall. It was much, much paler and smaller than a typical soul. Maka focused her soul wavelength on it.

A ghostly version of Kid appeared. "Tap this one," he gestured to one of the bricks, "and the passage will open. It is two bricks left and three up of centre. How could I forget such unsymmetricalness!" With that, the vision disappeared.

"Guys," Maka offered, "try this one." She pointed out the brick Kid wanted her to use.

"Why?" Black Star rolled his eyes.

"Because Kid told me."

"WHAT!" shouted Black Star. "But he was KIDNAPPED!"

"I don't know exactly what happened," admitted Maka, "but maybe Kid passed through here and this is his subconscious figment of his - or my - imagination."

"Or maybe he's dead," laughed Black Star.

"Kid was kidnapped?" wondered Crona. "When did this happen?"

While Maka tapped the brick three times, Tsubaki quickly explained how Kid was getting weird letters, and subsequently disappeared - probably kidnapped.

"That's funny," remarked Crona. "I got a letter too."

No further questions could be asked, because suddenly the bricks began sliding back - oddly enough, two by two, as each brick moved with its mirrored partner - and soon a hole appeared in the middle and slowly fanned out, with the bricks moving in identical fashion on either side of the gap.

Death the Kid would have loved it, despite the off-centreness of the first brick.

"Welcome," said Napoleon, "to Diagon Alley."

* * *

><p>"Wow!" gaped Maka and Tsubaki in astonishment.<p>

"This is pretty cool," admired Soul.

The colourful street was lined with shop windows bursting at the seams with wares; an array of cauldrons glistening in the sun (which was laughing creepily, as usual); and even more weird people wearing pointy hats. Hyper kids not much older than themselves were running up and down the alley, occasionally stopping to admire especially epic merchandise.

"Cool stuff, eh?" said Napoleon. "You need wizarding currency to buy it, though. However, we'll check at Gringotts, the wizarding bank, to see if, by pure coincidence, the dead witch parents who you never knew existed left a vault filled with a king's fortune in your name."

Maka, Soul, and Tsubaki heard none of that, as they were too busy staring wide-eyed at all of the happenings around them. Even Crona was impressed, looking around from his safe perch in Napoleon's grip. "I think I could deal with this," he murmured to no one in particular.

The happy group was interrupted by a loud shout.

"I'm the biggest star around here!" declared Black Star, standing on top of the display of cauldrons. "Is there anyone who dares to challenge me?"

"No need to get rowdy," muttered Napoleon, doubling back and scooping the rambunctious child up into his other arm. Now, with both differently-hair-coloured protégées secure, he continued back up the alley, Maka, Tsubaki and Soul in pursuit.

Eventually they reached Gringotts. It was a looong street, and Black Star kept trying to escape. Crona asked very nicely to be let down. Napoleon promptly obeyed.

"Greetings," said the goblin at the front, bowing as they passed. Unfortunately Black Star managed to escape and started hitting him/her/it on the head, as he had mistaken the goblin for a Kishin soul. Maka hit him on the head and dragged him inside.

They passed through more doors. There was an inscription about how crime doesn't pay, but everyone was too preoccupied to notice.

Imagine a room filled with hundreds of goblins, all calmly processing customers. Now imagine their reaction as a burly man in a convict's outfit walks in, with five strange kids in tow.

The room fell silent. Fortunately the bank was pretty quiet to begin with.

The group walked up to a free goblin. This wasn't hard to do, as several of the customers were surreptitiously edging toward the exit.

"Morning," said Napoleon to the goblin. "I would like to see if any of my..." he paused for a description that could somehow explain the five anime characters accompanying him.

"Cousins-" he decided.

Black Star mock-retched into a nearby plant. However, it happened to be a Venus flytrap, so it lunched at him, but Blackm Star dodged with ninja skillz.

"-have any bank accounts here."

"Do you have their keys, sir?" the goblin demanded, secretly thinking he wasn't getting paid enough for this.

"Plothole: My convict outfit has no pockets."

"Okay, that makes sense," stated the goblin. "We goblins can open the vaults manually, anyway. I just like to see clients rummaging for their keys.

"So, what are your...cousins' names?" continued the goblin with utmost seriousness.

"Crona," said Napoleon, pointing to the pink-haired one (who had started to twitch again), "Maka," the girl with the pigtails, "Tsubaki," the black-haired girl smiled back, "Soul Eater," the silver-haired kid with fangs, "and last, but certainly not least, Black Star." Here he pointed to the blue-haired kid now getting hit on the head by Maka for his impulsiveness.

"Hmm," said the goblin, typing the names into a computer. Wait, a computer in Gringotts? Plothole!

"Ah," remarked the goblin, secretly groaning inside. _Why didn't these people return to whatever planet they were from?_ "We have matches for Mr. Evans and Mr. Star. I will have someone take you down to both vaults. Griphook!"

Griphook, who incidentally was the intern everyone loved to torture, led the group through one of the many doors to a narrow stone passageway. This in turn led to some small train tracks. Griphook whistled and a small cart rolled up.

Griphook stared at the cart, then glanced at the group, then looked back at the cart. The goblin did some quick mental math.

"Handburn, we'll need the delivery truck!" he called down the passageway. Momentarily a noticeably larger cart rolled up the track.

Maka, Soul, Black Star, Tsubaki, Crona, and Napoleon, the latter with some difficulty, all climbed into the cart and fastened their seatbelts. The Ministry of Magic did something smart, for once, and introduced mandatory seatbelts after a small incident involving Cornelius Fudge, a deposit of five thousand Galleons, and a stalagmite.

Griphook gave the mandatory Safety Instructions Speech, and the cart was off.

_Next time: Eternal riches! Let's invade Diagon Alley!_


	9. Diagon Alley The Buying

**Diagon Alley: The Buying**

"Whee, it's a ride!" cheered Black Star.

"I know!" smiled Tsubaki, also enjoying the experience.

"I can't deal with this," Soul moaned, discovering at a very inopportune time that he had motion sickness.

Napoleon was very tall, and kept hitting stalactites on the way.

Maka, despite the seatbelt, had somehow ended up on the floor of the car and was now holding onto Soul's shoes for dear life.

Crona just closed his eyes and hoped for the best.

Finally, to the great relief of all but two of the occupants, the car stopped beside a nondescript door in the wall.

"It's dancing," moaned Soul, before promptly slumping to the ground.

The door had a knob. Griphook pulled it. The door swung open.

"It's all yours, Soul Eater," declared Griphook, helping Soul to his feet.

Soul promptly threw up all over the poor goblin intern.

"That's all yours, too."

"Sorry, I don't want it."

Inside the vault was lots of shiny stuff: what must have been hundreds of coins in various denominations of bronze, silver and gold. Soul scooped up a pile for use.

"Keep in mind we have to share," commented Maka sternly.

"I know," replied her partner, "this should be enough for you, Crona and me, right?" He showed his pile to Napoleon, who simply nodded.

"That's enough for three people for one term's supplies," he affirmed.

"Black Star can pick up the rest," Soul grinned evilly. "He probably has only ten pounds in his, though, so I'll have to get more money for him. Wait...that'd mean a ride back..." He shivered at the thought.

Everyone climbed back into the cart, redid their seatbelts, and the cart took off again.

Mercifully the ride was shorter than the first one, so everyone got out at the next vault with little incident. This one had a door emblazed with a giant star.

"I wonder who that belongs to?" remarked Soul sarcastically.

This vault had a star-shaped knob, which Griphook also turned.

No one knew quite what to expect. If Soul's vault was enough for a king's ransom...

Black Star's money would be the ransom for the Five Kages, the entire Akatsuki plus Orochimaru (not that anyone wanted him back), the twenty-six captains and lieutenants from the Soul Society, the Ouran High Host Club, and the Straw Hat pirate crew combined. Oh, and enough left over to buy a Porygon from the Game Corner (9, 999 coins!).

Black Star was going to laugh at Soul, but fainted from joy. Soul turned so red, he turned into a tomato by accident. Maka and Tsubaki started laughing at their respective partners, and Crona started to dust off the large fortune of coins.

"The Star clan was a very powerful wizarding family, in addition to being assassins and computer hackers," explained Griphook. "Until they all died out, of course."

"How did they die, anyway?" wondered Napoleon out loud, currently using his magic to turn Soul back into his true form.

Griphook shrugged. "Swine flu. They never bothered to get their vaccinations."

"Oh," said Tsubaki sadly.

"But some of them survived. But then one of them stepped on a bug, and the next thing they knew they were being attacked by some kid named Shino Aburame."

Black Star woke up from being fainted. "One thousand bottles of beer on the wall! And it's all mine!" heshouted.

Evidently he had had a strange dream.

"But one of their clan somehow survived," Griphook finished ominously.

"Oh. Yeah. That," stated Black Star. "Oh well, I'm rich anyhow. So...what's this worth anyway?"

"Seventeen silver Sickles to a gold Galleon, and twenty-nine bronze Knuts to a Sickle," explained Napoleon. "Go ahead and put that into algebra if you want. If you want the exchange rate to yen and/or British pounds...I don't have a freaking clue."

There was a loud POP noise. Suddenly there was a scythe lying on the ground.

"Oh, dear," moaned Napoleon. "When I said 'true form' you became a -"

"Scythe, yeah," replied Soul's voice from the scythe. "And I'm too nauseated to turn back, so you'll just have to deal with it, goblin."

Black Star picked out enough money for his and Tsubaki's supplies, plus plenty extra. You know, for impulse shopping. The group then dutifully climbed back into the cart, somehow managing to buckle Soul in. Because Maka wouldn't have Soul's shoes to hang onto, the group forced Napoleon onto the cart floor. This was actually a blessing, since there were no stalactites on the cart floor.

Black Star and Tsubaki, even more chipper than before, enjoyed one last cart ride before emerging back into Gringotts. The cart barely stopped before Griphook jumped out and ran to the nearest laundry room.

The group had all exited the cart and were preparing to leave the bank when Crona murmured, "If only Soul and Black Star had money, did we all have to go?"

"But it was so much fun!" grinned Tsubaki.

Black Star smiled with her, but the rest of the group ran as fast as possible in the opposite direction.

* * *

><p>Now that they actually had money, the weapons and meisters prepared to BUY STUFF.<p>

Unfortunately the sun supernovaed and the group, Diagon Alley, Hogwarts, England in general, Death City, and the rest of the Earth was incinerated.

"Buuuurp," said the sun.

* * *

><p>Actually, that didn't happen.<p>

* * *

><p>Weapons and meisters. With money. I shudder at the thought.<p>

Tsubaki declared that they should purchase the cauldrons first, as they were standardized equipment. She pointed out that the letter specifically stated to get the standard size 2 pewter ones 'or else'. In big, capital letters.

Besides, the cauldrons would make convenient shopping bags for the rest of the supplies.

The cauldron store also stocked scales and telescopes. They also had the phials which Harry apparently didn't purchase. Again the scales were standardized, so this wasn't a problem. Everyone ended up getting the sparkling crystal phials except for Black Star, who thought glass ones would be easier to paint little stars on.

The telescopes, however, were another issue entirely. Napoleon kept getting distracted by a silver one with a moon engraved on it. Black Star bought the most expensive telescope in the store: gold-plated with stars engraved. Tsubaki showed considerably more restraint than her partner, and bought a green collapsible telescope with engravings of weird elliptical, flying objects. Soul found a black one with a dragon engraved on it. Crona got a collapsible white telescope with black stripes on it. He liked it because it looked like a very skinny zebra. Maka wanted a silver telescope but the only ones in stock had suns on them (and Napoleon was blocking the way to the moon-engraved one), which reminded her of the sunset her father tried to turn into quality time. Therefore, she selected a plain, collapsible white telescope.

All this, for a class that gets a handful of mentions throughout the entire series.

Next, the group went to the Apothecary to collect basic potions ingredients. While there Black Star purchased a unicorn horn and taped it to his forehead.

Flourish and Blotts was the next shop to be invaded by the weapons and meisters. Tsubaki dutifully pointed out the books the group would need, picking out sets for her and Black Star.

Speaking of Black Star, he was looking up the Star clan in the book _End of an Era: The Rise and Fall of Powerful Wizarding Families_, and screamed loudly enough to be heard in real London when he found the correct page. When he read to the part about them all having died out, he added in the margins with permanent marker:

Except for Black Star, the greatest star of them all!

He did this for all of the books, giggling evilly the entire time. His horn wobbled up and down.

For some reason Crona kept glancing at a book called _Dead or Alive? The Evil Witches and Wizards Still Out There. _There were various silhouettes of people on the cover, one of whom looked suspiciously like Medusa. Or perhaps he was looking at the book next to it about caring for a pet turtle. We'll never know.

Maka was trying to follow Tsubaki and get the required books, but her eyes kept wandering all over the store. One could spend ten years reading them all. She eventually found the book that Crona was looking at. The witch one, not the one about turtles.

"Good eyes, Crona!" Maka complimented. "We can use this book for meister research!"

"Oh, thanks," Crona blushed.

Soul didn't like reading very much, but nevertheless found a book that caught his eye: _50 Ancient Weapons, Curses and Secrets Which Could Cause the Apocalypse._ I hope the author was in _very _good mental health when he wrote this.

He had just gotten to the part about prophecies supposedly being deadly in the wrong hands when Napoleon pulled the book away from him. "This might be how they screen for possible evil villains," he warned in an undertone.

Somehow the group managed to collect all of the necessary books, purchase them at the front, then exit the store with only one extra tome. Maka had forced Black Star to pay for _Dead or Alive?_ because "This tells us about evil witches, so we'll be prepared if we ever fight them in the future." In other words, meister research.

_Next time: Invade Madam Malkin's! Draco is perhaps scarred for life!_


	10. A Short, Blonde Stranger

**A Short, Blonde Stranger**

Author's Note #1: Happy Halloween! Be sure to watch out for vengeful spirits, keep on well-lit streets, and to not stay out TOO late. Escpecially if you have school they next day...**  
><strong>

Author's Note #2: Don't worry, Death the Kid WILL return, and (relatively) unharmed. He's supposed to be the main character of this story, after all. :)

Author's Note #756: Chocoholic-Wallflower, much as I would appreciate this story being turned into a movie, there'd be way too many copyright lawsuits.

* * *

><p>The second-last stop was <em>Madam Malkin's Robes for all Occasions<em>. As there were only three witches on fitting duty and someone was already there, Soul and Black Star went to the back while Crona, Maka, Tsubaki and Napoleon stayed up front. In the meantime the werewolf left for a pick-me-up at the Leaky Cauldron while the others started to read their textbooks. Crona read about _Magical Theory _because that seemed the least scary. Tsubaki eagerly delved into _One Thousand Magical Herbs and Fungi _while Maka began reading _Dead or Alive?_

Back in the back, Soul and Black Star were being fitted on either side of a pale, blond boy with a smirking face.

"Hullo," said the boy. "Hogwarts too?"

"Yes," replied Black Star and Soul.

"My father's next door buying my books and my mother's up the street looking at wands, even though the wand _clearly_ chooses its owner," continued the boy. He didn't seem fazed that one of his companions was noticeably short with blue hair and a unicorn horn taped to his forehead, while the other had silver hair and fangs. Fortunately their clothes were covered up at the moment. "Then I'm going to drag them off and look at racing brooms. I don't see why first years can't have their own. I think I'll bully my father into getting one and smuggle it in...somehow."

Clearly the boy expected them to know what he was talking about. And to care about his life, for that matter.

"Have _you _got your own broom?" demanded the boy.

"Yes," drawled Soul, cutting off whatever Black Star was going to say. "I would hop around the house with it when I was little, and pretend it was a pony."

The boy gaped. "Is this some kind of broom torture? What did it _do _to you while flying?"

Soul tried to think of a suitable response. "It was too slow," he shrugged.

Belatedly he realized the boy mentioned the broom was _flying_. How was that possible?

Even more belatedly he realized that Medusa was riding on a broom before. Brooms must be a magical form of transport, Soul deduced.

"Anyway," continued the boy, "since your broom was too slow, I assume you never played Quidditch?"

"No." Soul cleverly avoided having to deduce what a Quidditch was. Maybe it was like croquet, with brooms.

"_I _do - Father says it's a crime if I'm not picked for my house, and I must say I agree - even though first years have_ never _been picked for a century. Know what house you'll be in yet?"

Soul shook his head, though he hadn't actually heard the question. He was too busy having weird mental images of this boy playing croquet with brooms.

"No," Black Star firmly replied, trying to get back into the conversation.

"Well, no one really knows until they get there, do they, but I know I'll be in Slytherin, all our family have been - imagine being put in Hufflepuff, I'd think I'd leave, don't you?"

"Oh yeah," said Black Star. "Even the name's stupid. That's the path to anti-stardom. Except if I got put in it I'd start beating up the entire faculty." He didn't actually know what he was talking about.

* * *

><p>Somewhere in the Department of Mysteries, a new prophecy spawned.<p>

_"Should the man of Star house_

_Be placed with the lowly Hufflepuffs_

_He won't even try to pass_

_But will rather kick teacher (&(&."_

* * *

><p>"So, where are your parents?" wondered the boy. "Are they shopping too?"<p>

"Mine are dead," offered Black Star happily.

"Mine are non-existent," added Soul, but realizing how awkward that would sound, covered with, "um, I mean dead. It was...very tragic. The house blew up. It happened when I was 1, so I don't remember anything. Except for a flash of...green light. Then I was adopted by another kind family."

"Oh, sorry for both of you," said the boy, not sounding sorry at all.

"Don't mention it," interrupted Black Star. "I'll become better than my family ever was! I'll be the greatest st - um, WIZARD EVER!"

Unfortunately Black Star didn't realize that he wasn't magical. Since both his parents were apparently magical, that technically makes him a Squib. So Mosquito was wrong. Mwa ha ha ha...ha!

The boy cocked his eyebrow curiously at his little speech. "Um, okay. If you say so. But your parents, they were _our_ kind, weren't they?"

"*(&() yeah they were!" proclaimed Black Star, not actually comprehending the question.

"I don't know," shrugged Soul. "Like I said, I never knew them. I'd assume so, though."

"I really think they shouldn't let the other sort in, do you? They're just not the same. They've never been brought up to know our ways. Some of them have never even heard of Hogwarts until they got the letter, imagine."

Black Star shrugged. He had heard of Hogwarts before his 'letter'...via Kid's.

"I think they should keep it in the old wizarding families. What are your names, anyway?"

Before either Soul or Black Star could answer, all of their witches had simultaneously finished their fittings. The three boys hopped down on from their footstools.

"Well, I'll see you at Hogwarts, I suppose," drawled the boy as he exited the shop. Crona shivered as he walked by.

Maka, Tsubaki and Crona went to the back of the shop to be fitted while Black Star and Soul waited in the front. Black Star spent the entire time ranting about what a &*&^ the boy was, and how he wanted to be in this Slytherin house, just so he could beat up the boy alllll day.

Soul couldn't help but notice interesting parallels between Black Star and the new kid. They both expected everyone else to care about their lives - but that kid was so smug about everything, while Black Star just liked to yell.

Eventually the others got their robes fitted and purchased, along with the rest of the uniform (conveniently), so the weapons and meisters prepared for the final step of their shopping trip: getting a wand.

_Next time: The wand monopoly! Total chaos at Ollivander's!_

* * *

><p>Author's Note: Have fun trick-or-treating...if you're not too old.<em><br>_


	11. How Not To Discreetly Purchase Your Wand

**How Not To Discreetly Purchase Your Wand  
><strong>

Interestingly, there was a wand monopoly on Diagon Alley. After walking up and down the alleyway multiple times, peeking into every shop to see if they had any wands for sale, the group finally found the lone wand seller: Ollivander's.

A bell tinkled as they entered the shop. There was only one spindly chair to sit on, and Soul promptly sat on it. Black Star sat on top of him, Tsubaki jumped up and sat on top of her partner, and finally Crona had to climb onto the pile and sit on Tsubaki's lap. Thus, Maka was left to stand to one side.

"Good afternoon," said a soft voice somewhere deep in the shop. The shock caused Crona to scream girlishly, which caused Tsubaki to jump in fright, somehow managing to kick Black Star in the face, which caused the entire pile to fall down, leaving Soul on the chair.

"Rawr," he said randomly.

Presently an old man was standing by the pile. "Big group," he commented unnecessarily. He was especially transfixed by Black Star's unicorn horn.

"Um...I'll go first," Maka volunteered nervously. Everyone else was trying to get up, and Soul didn't look like he wanted to get off of his chair anytime soon.

"Excellent," hissed the man, Mr. Ollivander, in a creepy voice. "Let us begin.

"What...is your name?"

"Maka, sir."

"What...is your quest?"

"To purchase a wand, sir."

"What...is your wand arm?"

Maka turned a little pink from embarrassment again. "I beg your pardon, sir?" In the meantime she shot a hostile glare at Black Star, the visual equivalent of _If you laugh, giggle, move one inch to the left - I WILL kill you._

This important task done, Maka replied, "Well - I'm right-handed, if that's what you mean, sir."

"Yes, hold out your right arm - that's it," remarked Ollivander, taking out a tape measure. It danced around Maka's body by itself, taking measurements. Maka would have considered punching it if she wasn't so shocked at its apparent animatedness.

"Every wand contains a core of a magical substance, Maka," Mr. Ollivander drawled. "At Ollivander's, the wand monopoly, we use dragon heartstrings, phoenix feathers, and unicorn hairs. No two wands are the same, just as two dragons, phoenixes, and unicorns are not quite the same. And of course, you never get as good results with another wizard's wand."

Maka noticed the tape measure was measuring her nostrils. She really wanted to punch it now.

"That will do," declared Mr. Ollivander, and just in time the tape measure crumpled to the floor. He pulled a random box off of a shelf. "Here you go, try this one. Maple, dragon's heartstrings, nine inches. Quite flexible. Just take it and give it a wave."

Feeling incredibly foolish, Maka took the wand and waved it around. The rest of the group wisely backed up.

However, Mr. Ollivander simply snatched the wand away. "No. No good. Try this one. Beechwood, eleven inches. Unicorn's hair. Rather swishy."

It soon became evident to the others that finding the 'right' wand was mostly about hitting upon the correct compatibility - much like weapons and meisters matching soul wavelengths.

As the pile of rejected wands grew higher, Ollivander seemed to become happier, pulling out boxes of wands at pure random.

"Why don't we try this - olive and unicorn hair, eight and a half inches, springy."

Grasping the wand, Maka felt a warm sensation reaching her fingertips. She waved the wand, and small pink sparks shot out, exploding like fireworks. It was almost like powdered...

"CHERRY BLOSSOMS!" Maka yelled loudly, having a sudden memory of her father...

_"Look at all of these cherry blossoms," Spirit remarked happily. They were enjoying a nice stroll through Death City in the springtime, when all of the flowers and animals come out._

_"I'll go get snow cones!" exclaimed her father happily, running off to do just that._

_Spirit paid for the cones from a convenient vendor, then ran over to rejoin his daughter. Suddenly he tripped over a toad, causing him to start flying across the walkway..._

_Right into his daughter!_

_"Ow," Maka moaned, belatedly realizing that her father had spilled snow cone all over her clothes._

This unhappy memory revived, Maka prepared to snap the wand in half.

Unfortunately Mr. Ollivander whisked it away from her grasp and placed it gently back into its box. "So beautiful..." he sighed dreamily, "sparkling pink, like a glass of champagne!"

Soul wondered briefly if Mr. Ollivander was a recovering alcoholic.

Soul was the next one to step up. "What...is your name?" Mr. Ollivander began -

Just kidding. I am NOT rewriting that scene four more times.

Soul ended up with a thirteen inch mahogany wand with dragon's heartstrings. Durable, Mr. Ollivander had said - and apparently quite effective for curses. A small cloud of black gas came out when Soul waved it, but fortunately it wasn't poisonous, and had dispersed quickly.

Because - write this down, kids - poison clouds are ALWAYS purple.

Crona went up next, and ended up with a seven inch acadian wand with phoenix feather, small but robust . A blast of black light had emerged when Crona waved his wand, and Mr. Ollivander noticed that a suspicious crack straight through the shop had...appeared. Magically.

Tsubaki eagerly accepted her wand, an "unusual combination" of sycamore and phoenix feather, nine inches, versatile, good for casting a variety of magic. A small silver wisp had appeared when she waved the wand.

"Finally," declared Black Star, "it's MY TURN!"

Tsubaki frowned. Earlier she had learned that Black Star was, in fact, not magical. Black Star himself had long forgotten the conversation (though he was still upset about not getting a proper letter). She knew that one of two things would happen:

A) They would be at this shop for a long, long time, trying out every single wand. Eventually, though, this would lead to B.

B) Black Star would be exposed as a fraud, which would lead to certain ridicule and possible refusal of admission to Hogwarts - for all of them, for participating in this masquerade.

Naturally Tsubaki didn't want that to happen. An idea began forming in her head while Mr. Ollivander did the routine questioning.

"Maka," she quickly whispered, "could you distract Mr. Ollivander for a minute?"

"Yes, but -"

"Don't ask questions, I'll explain later!"

Maka wasn't entirely sure, but at least this wasn't Black Star's plan, which would have invariably led to something blowing up.

As soon as Mr. Ollivander returned with the first wand to try, Maka pointed outside and yelled, "Look! A dragon!"

"Hmm?" Mr. Ollivander proceeded to the window, his curiosity pricked.

Soul, catching on, or perhaps just wanting a chance to yell something random, added, "And a runaway cart from Gringotts!"

"And a zombie..." continued Crona. Coincidentally, Professor Quirrel started to wander into view just as he said that.

"I don't think so, just Professor Quirrel..." Mr. Ollivander reassured him, still staring out the window. "Oak, I can recall, twelve inches, unicorn hair, quite whippy."

While all of this was going on, Tsubaki transformed into a brand-new Wand Mode and quickly lay herself in sight on the floor.

"I think you just have active imaginations," said Mr. Ollivander, quite disappointed that he saw no dragon. "Hmm? What's this?" he wondered out loud, picking up Tsubaki the wand.

"All right!" cried Black Star, snatching away the wand and giving it a sharp, downward flick.

"WWWhooAAAhhhHHH!" Tsubaki screamed in Wand Mode.

A giant yellow spark in the shape of a star came floating out. It rapidly started expanding, making strange hissing noises.

"DUCK!" yelled Soul before adding in some words that rhymed.

KA-BOOOOOOOOOOOM!

Shelves smashed into each other, causing countless wands to tumble to the floor. Part of the ceiling broke off and shot two hundred feet in the sky. Maka's hair was on fire. She slapped herself on the head to put it out.

Maka and Soul started yelling various curses at Black Star, adding in bits about how he almost killed them all. Crona was having a twitching seizure, moaning, "I can't deal with something explosive like that" over and over.

"That," proclaimed Ollivander, "is not one of my wands."

"B-But how did you know?" wondered Tsubaki, un-transforming. In front of Mr. Ollivander. Okay, he already knew something was up, but still.

"Do you think," coolly stated Mr. Ollivander, with a ceiling tile on his head, "if every wand did that, I'd still have a shop?"

The weapons and meisters stared at one another blankly. "You do have a point," remarked Maka belatedly.

"All Ollivander's wands are pre-programmed to only let out sparks or something...small like that. The exploding star was obviously pre-fabricated."

Tsubaki had an innocent grin pasted on her face.

"You mean...I didn't do that?" moaned Black Star, clearly crestfallen. "Aw man...I'm not magical, aren't I?"

"It's true," Tsubaki remarked sorrowfully. She knew it would come to this, having to remind Black Star about the truth of his magical talent - or rather, lack thereof.

Black Star didn't say anything for five seconds.

"Oh well," he grinned. "With a wand like Tsubaki, I don't need magic!"

Everyone laughed nervously.

"But, um...how exactly did you do that?"

It was Tsubaki's turn to blush. "I don't know," she mumbled quietly. "I was just thinking about how happy you'd be when your wand did some magic...and I knew you'd like the star."

"So you're a Muggle?" asked Mr. Ollivander to Black Star.

"No, I'm a member of the Star clan," Black Star declared proudly. "They're all dead, but I'm making up for it by being a bigger star than any of them were!...I suppose you would have heard of them, old man?"

"Heard of them?" gasped Mr. Ollivander. "Why...they're famous! Or rather, infamous, for being assassins and all. But, if it's true, you're their descendant-"

"*(&*( yeah I am," confirmed Black Star.

"This is incredible! I am honoured to meet you!" Mr. Ollivander paused. "...may I have your autograph?"

"Sure," grinned Black Star, grabbing a nearby marker. He then proceeded to draw his signature on the man's forehead.

"I shall never forget this day as long as I live!" proclaimed Mr. Ollivander, wrapping up the wands for the group. Eventually they left the shop.

"Well," declared Soul once out of Mr. Ollivander's earshot, "that was weird."

"Whatever!" cried Black Star. "If that's how everyone's going to react, I'll become a star in no time! I'll sell out at concert halls! I'll star in movie blockbusters!"

"What does this have to do with magic?" Maka sweatdropped.

* * *

><p>When, finally, they returned to the nearly deserted Leaky Cauldron, they noted a nearby bulletin with a note posted on it in really, really bad handwriting.<p>

Because Black Star had the messiest handwriting (except when writing his signature), they got him to translate.

"I'm really smashed right now, so I'll head home after this," read Black Star. Everyone realized instantly that this was Napoleon's note."Term doesn't start until September 1, so feel free to return to Death City until then. In case I get arrested before then...attached are five tickets to the Hogwarts Express. Note: To get to Platform 9 and Three Quarters-"

"That's where the note stops," said Black Star.

"Forget the note for now," stated Maka. "We should return to Death City before too many people realize we're gone."

And thus, Maka, Soul, Black Star, Tsubaki, and Crona boarded a train back to Death City. It was late evening by this time, and the train ride was a long one, so they mostly slept on the way back.

_Next time: Back to school! Mysterious new student at the DWMA!  
><em>


	12. Interludes, Fish heads and The Return?

**Interludes, Fish Heads And...The Return?**

Author's Note: Lest we forget...I dedicate this chapter to those who have made the ultimnate sacrifice in war, so we have the fereedom today to read and write crossover fanfiction. I also dedicate this chapter to the date 11/11/11, which will not occur again in an entire century. Who knows, maybe Kid will return due to the power of the palindrome...

* * *

><p>They had finally arrived back in Death City on the morning of August 2, but Maka had had a flash of pure genius. They had snuck into the DWMA and noted the various actions of all of the background students that just...existed.<p>

The idea was twofold: First, to blend in, and thus make their inevitable departure less notable; second, to glean information on Death the Kid.

On the latter note, not much was learned. However, the other students had duly noted that Lord Death didn't seem depressed about the abduction of his son. In fact, he had been noticeably cheerful lately.

There was also the fact that a weird student had recently turned up at the academy. He had messy black hair, wore round glasses, and had a wicked lightning bolt scar on his forehead. Black Star showed off his unicorn horn, the tape already quite frayed. Soul showed the student his scar, removing his shirt in the process. Unfortunately all of these antics only served to greatly confuse the boy.

Dr. Stein kept telling the class that someone had broken into his apartment. At first glance nothing had been stolen, but his computer might have been tampered with. "The witches are making their move," he coolly stated. "Be on your guard at all times."

Black Star just laughed at the whole thing. In retaliation for not being serious, even if he did cause the incident in the first place, Tsubaki tore off his unicorn horn. It had been getting weird looks anyway.

Crona duly sat in his prison-cell-turned-apartment, awaiting any developments.

Finally August 30 arrived, so Maka and the others packed their things and once again took the train to London. This ride was used to look over the textbooks, devise hypothesizes about Kid, and generally prepare for the experience to come. Part of the strategy was to arrive a day early, in case they remembered last-minute items to buy, and to avoid oversleeping and thus missing the train.

When they got to London they found out via the newspaper that Napoleon had, in fact, been arrested.

For shoplifting nail polish. Glow-in-the-dark pink nail polish. No one said immortal magic werewolves were normal.

Thus, the group crashed Napoleon's house. Maka made Black Star sleep outside, she and Tsubaki shared a bed, Soul took another, and Crona slept on the couch.

* * *

><p>"It's August 30th," remarked Lord Death, turning around from his mirror, where he had opened up a calendar app, because it was actually a giant iPad. "You know what that means?"<p>

"Yes," groaned Spirit. Being Death's personal death scythe, he had already heard this story numerous times, in countdown fashion.

"It's Kid's first day of Hogwarts tomorrow!" Lord Death declared proudly. "I just hope he figures out how to get on the platform. It can be rather stubborn."

"Yes, it is," muttered Spirit. He had heard this story every day since July 17. He tuned out what Death was saying next, mentally playing "Fish Heads".

Now, if you have never heard "Fish Heads" before, the insightful lyrics go like this: "Fish heads, fish heads/ Roly-poly fish heads/ Fish heads, fish heads/ Eat them up, yum!"

"I wonder which house he'll be in. He could certainly do well in any of them," Death continued obliviously. "I hope he'll send lots of letters home saying what he is doing!

"I just hope he can find some friends. That's the one thing that worries me, Spirit. He was never one to make friends easily, preferring to draw. Mind you, he is quite a talented artist, but I would like him to learn to loosen up and play every once in a while.

"It would be easier if Maka and her friends would be going," sighed Lord Death. "He seems to have gotten along with them."

"Wait - Maka?" Spirit put "Fish Heads" on pause. "Um, yeah...she couldn't come," he mumbled. He was troubled by sudden memories of destroying Maka's Hogwarts letter.

Wait a minute -

"MAKA!" Spirit cried out, diving out of the Death Room.

"Spirit, what are you doing?"

Spirit dashed around Death City, set to the tune of "Fish Heads". Except now "Maka" replaced the words "Fish Heads."

"Maka, Maka, roly-poly Maka..."

Rather macabre, if you ask me. Unfortunately "Fish Heads" is an extremely addictive song, so Spirit was stuck with it.

"Spirit, what are you doing?"

Spirit finally found Maka's apartment, and used karate to break down the door.

Maka wasn't there.

Soul wasn't there.

Even Blair, that sexy cat who turned into an even sexier lady, wasn't there.

"MAKAAAAAAAAAAA!" screamed Spirit, his voice reaching the moon, who started to cry over this tragic separation of father and daughter.

"Spirit, what are you doing?"

* * *

><p>"Psst! Kid!"<p>

"It's wakey-wakey tiiime!"

"Hmm?" muttered Death the Kid upon awakening, noting that Liz and Patty were standing over him, the latter ominously clutching a bucket of water.

"What the &*)*&( happened to me?" demanded Kid, scooting up against the wall. "Where am I? And...where are my shoes?" he added, noticing that his plain black socks were showing.

"Back at the start of this story, Hagrid hit you with a sleeping tranquilizer called the Draught of Living Death or something," briefly explained Liz. "I think it's made from asphodel and wormwood. That might come up on a test."

"So how did you, um, un-Draught of Living Death me?" wondered Kid.

"We were all taken into this random hotel room," Patty continued the story. "Liz and I were in weapon form, so it was hard to tell exactly what was going on. But that's why we didn't get caught, no one noticed two guns lying around.

"Then once this weird, hooked-nosed man with greasy hair came in to check on you. I think to make sure the potion was applied correctly, and that you weren't actually dead. Or maybe he was just a stalker."

Kid gasped. "How horrible! He could have done horrible things to me in my sleep! Like adding scars on only one part of my body! And you didn't do anything about it?"

"Actually," retorted Liz, "we did."

"You have to listen to the story!" exclaimed her sister.

Patty then continued from where she left off. "Anyway, we saw that man standing over you, then Liz un-transformed and pointed me at him, and threatened to shoot him if he didn't tell us how to cure you. But he didn't believe us, and said he had counters to Muggle weapons."

"What happened after that?" Kid wondered, hanging on to their every word.

Liz shrugged. "Instead, we threatened to throw him into the shower and give his hair a nice shampooing.

"Apparently he liked his greasy hair very much, because he gave us a vial of something and said, 'This will cure your friend of the Draught. However, its effects will wear off very, very slowly.'"

"After he told us that we grabbed you and jumped out the window," Liz continued from her sister's interruption. "We also had grabbed this random ticket lying on the desk."

"Basically, we checked into another hotel after that," concluded Liz. "We thought the ticket was important, so we made photocopies for me and Patty. Then on September 1 - that's today - we dragged you here, and you finally woke up!"

"Okay," nodded Kid. "So...where, exactly, am I now?"

"King's Cross Station," remarked Patty cheerfully.

Indeed, Kid noticed, they were on some kind of raised walkway. Below them, people milled about on a massive raised platform, with trains eagerly swallowing and releasing passengers on either side.

"Almost forgot," said Patty. "When the greasy-haired man gave us the vial, he also told us that the only way to get to platform 9 3/4 - that's the one we'll need - is to walk through the barrier between platforms 9 and 10."

"Wait!" gasped Kid. "You said...platform 9 3/4?"

"Yeah?" said Patty. "Why do you ask?"

"It's so unsymmetrical!" moaned Kid. "Oh, I was right all along! This is a school for witches -"

"And you're going," Liz calmly remarked, "because I have your shoes."

"Oh, no..." murmured Kid, recognizing immediately what was going to happen. "You - you wouldn't -"

"Oh yes I would," said Liz, grinning evilly while taking out a permanent pink marker. "I will start to draw on your shoes. Considering your shoes are black, this will be quite visible. And...each shoe will have a unique pattern."

"NNOOOOOOOO!" Kid screamed out, enough to garner looks from the people below. In truth, he was only devastated by the last part of this sentence.

"So..." remarked Patty, slipping into Evil Patty mode, "you can suffer through the number 3/4 for a day, or be forced to wear unsymmetrical shoes for the rest of your life."

"Okay, okay!" protested Kid. "I'll go through the stupid platform!"

"That's what we like to hear," smiled both sisters.

* * *

><p>Presently the group stood outside of the barrier between platforms 9 and 10.<p>

On the way down, Liz and Patty reassured Kid that it was only 8:42 am, so he would have plenty of time to measure, and go through, the exact centre of the barrier. As a bonus, the train was very punctual, and would even leave at a palindrome hour.

Soon Kid was actually excited about boarding the train. But more important things came first...

Kid carefully took out his ruler, somehow saved from the lighthouse, and began to measure the barrier. It was precisely 1.75 metres across. He soon found its exact centre.

Next he took out some white chalk, and drew a perpendicular line from the centre extending to exactly 1.75 metres away. To verify its centeredness, he next drew perpendicular lines from either end of the platform, carefully measuring the distances from each line to the centre one. Eventually he was satisfied with his measurements.

Liz looked at the clock anxiously. It was 10:07 am. She secretly wondered if Kid's measuring was actually being used as a stall tactic.

Kid stood at one end of his perfectly straight line, preparing to charge with his trolley -

Wait, trolley?

"To carry the trunks," sighed Patty. "Come on, I want to get on the train!"

"Trunks?" wondered Kid out loud.

"We shoved them out of the window with us," said Liz. "I think your captors packed it with school supplies for you, and even made two more for us. now, wasn't that nice?"

"SCHOOL SUPPLIES!" exclaimed Kid in horror. "I must check their symmetricalness."

"No time," Liz interrupted. "I don't even know where they bought this stuff. It should be a long train ride, you can measure them on there."

"Fine," Kid sighed. He slowly pushed the cart along the line, being careful not to accidentally veer off it. Liz and Patty followed behind him.

By now the group had attracted a lot of stares, between their outfits (Kid's Goth-ish clothes and Liz and Patty's decidedly revealing ones), the measuring, and the drama over unsymmetrical school supplies. By some miracle all heads were turned away by the time they walked through the barrier.

In the space-time warp that is the platform barrier, Kid realized he had no more line. He just kept trying to proceed in a straight line.

Eventually he emerged in front of a scarlet steam engine, puffing away. Liz and Patty sighed in relief: they had gotten Kid onto an unsymmetrical platform.

Into the train might be another matter.

_Next time: Deja vu! What will the Weasleys think?_


	13. Platform Nine and Three Quarters Reprise

**Platform 9 3/4 - Reprise**

Author's Note 1: An 8-chapter absence...which is a horizontally and vertically symmetrical number...that's one heck of a coincidence. Thanks, Chocoholic_Wallflower!

Author's Note 2: I was going to end this chapter on a cliffhanger, but decided that would be way too mean...Enjoy!

* * *

><p>"What...the...*(&amp;*^(^*," Black Star proclaimed his feelings about the absence of platform 9 34.

Maka, Soul, Black Star, Tsubaki, and Crona had arrived in King's Cross Station, per their tickets, at half past ten, and were now wondering what the ^%&% to do.

Between loading up trolleys with their trunks (Crona had found a spare trunk at Napoleon's the night before) and stopping Black Star from dancing on the train tracks, they ended up only having ten minutes left to board the train - but how?

A large group of people passed just behind them, and Soul was able to catch a few words of what they were saying.

"-packed with Muggles, of course-"

A Muggle. Soul vaguely recalled that that was what Mr. Ollivander called Black Star. He remembered because at the time he thought it was a swear word.

"Let's follow these guys," Soul said, pointing at the group. "They sound like they're witches, too."

With nothing better to try, the weapons and meisters stalked the new group.

It appeared to be a family composed of a plump mother and four boys, all with flaming red hair. They all had trunks, and they even had an owl.

The family finally stopped in front of the platform barrier, staring curiously at all of the chalk lines around it. The weapons and meisters stopped, too, to overhear what the family was saying.

"Now, what's the platform number?" asked the boys' mother.

"Nine and three quarters!" piped up a small redheaded girl. "Mum, can't I go?"

"(&**& overachievers," Soul muttered, fortunately out of earshot of Maka.

"You're not old enough, Ginny, now be quiet. All right, Percy, you go first."

What appeared to be the oldest boy marched toward the divide between platforms 9 and 10. A large group of tourists walked by just as he reached the barrier, and by the time they left the boy was gone.

"Fred, you next," the plump woman said.

"I'm not Fred, I'm George," said the boy. "Honestly, woman, call yourself our mother? Can't you _tell_ I'm George?"

"Sorry, George, dear."

"Only joking, I am Fred," said the boy, and off he went. His twin told him to hurry up, and the boy Fred must have, because he had soon vanished - but where?

The third brother, George, soon followed, running towards the barrier - and suddenly he was gone.

"Okay, I get it," said Black Star. "It's a time warp!" He eagerly charged toward the barrier at breakneck speed. Moon hooted in protest.

"Black Star -!" Tsubaki cried out.

Suddenly the blue-haired kid vanished from sight. A loud "Yahoo!" seemed to come from the barrier.

"Strange child," the final brother commented.

The family finally seemed to notice the remaining weapons and meisters' presence. "Hullo, dears?" offered the mother. "First time at Hogwarts? Ron's new, too."

She pointed to the last and youngest of her sons.

"Well," Maka spoke for the group, "the thing is, our companion notwithstanding, we don't know how -"

"How to get on the platform?" she said kindly, and Maka nodded.

"Not to worry," she said, "all you have to do is walk through the barrier between platforms 9 and 10. You can even follow the chalk if you want. Don't stop and don't be scared to crash into it, that's very important. Best to do it at a bit of a run if you're nervous. Go on, do it before Ron."

Crona had started twitching again.

Maka decided to go first. She lined up her trolley with the chalk, then started running toward the barrier with her eyes closed.

She ran and ran and ran...only to smack face-first into the barrier -

_"No!"_ Maka thought to herself. _"Don't think of failure! Fear will make you run slower..."_

"YOU DID IT, MAKA!" shouted Soul as his partner successfully passed through the barrier. Maka opened her eyes, only to accidentally run into the oldest boy from before.

"Sorry," she giggled in embarrassment, helping him to pick up his trunk.

"Ow," mumbled Percy.

"Who's next?" asked the mother gently.

Soul pushed his trolley toward the barrier, and started walking towards it. He broke into a small run...

**"Soul..." said the demon. "Let me give you power. Come on, don't be shy..."**

"GET OUT OF MY LIFE YOU F-"

Fortunately Soul hit the barrier at that moment, drowning out the swear word.

"I suppose I'll go next, to check on Black Star," Tsubaki offered. She was a little nervous about the barrier, even if her companions were able to get through. However, she simply focused on following the line as closely as possible, and got through with little incident.

Only Crona was left.

"What if it turns solid on me?" worried Crona. "Running into the barrier would hurt. Then I'd get a nosebleed, and there'd be black blood everywhere. I can't deal with that."

"Don't worry," reassured the mother. "You don't have a stalker house elf, so the barrier won't solidify. Go on. It won't hurt."

Crona turned his trolley toward the barrier. It looked quite solid.

I do not know where Crona found the courage to start walking towards the barrier. Unfortunately nerves took over and he broke into an all-out sprint.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaahhh-" Crona screamed.

He flew through the barrier.

"-hhhhhhh-"

He popped out on the other side, somehow able to slow down halfway up the platform.

"-hhhhh."

After a minute he said, "How on Earth did I deal with that?"

"Look, Crona got through!" Maka exclaimed happily. She, Tsubaki and Soul were standing off to one side. Crona hurried to join them.

Where the barrier used to be was a wrought-iron gate. A sign was posted on it stating incoming students. Do not stand in front of gate.

"Where's Black Star?" Crona wondered.

"We don't have time to look for him," stated Maka firmly. "The train will leave any minute. We should board."

Thus, they did.

* * *

><p>"Where are they?" Black Star muttered, already onboard the Hogwarts Express. "Little *&amp;^% slowpokes." With that, he set off to find an empty, or mostly empty, compartment.<p>

Near the front of the train, he was surprised to find a car sparsely occupied.

He was even more shocked to see who occupied the car.

Death the Kid.

* * *

><p>"What about us?" Liz whined.<p>

Liz and Patty were seated on opposite sides of the compartment. Death the Kid sat in the middle of the floor.

"Hiii, Black Star!" cheered Patty.

"So, can I come in, or not?" Black Star asked.

"No!" Kid cried out. "You'll offset the symmetry of the car!"

At this point any sane person would walk away, assuming that Kid was a complete lunatic.

Unfortunately for Kid, Black Star was not a sane person.

"Oh, well," he said, sitting down next to Patty.

"THEN WHY'D YOU ASK!" the sisters shouted at him.

"To see if you'd accept me graciously," remarked Black Star. To Kid he demanded, "Care to explain what exactly happened to your sorry little self this past month?"

"I don't know what you're talking about," Kid coolly replied.

"Maka, Soul, Tsubaki, and Crona came, too. I'm not leaving this car until you give us some answ-"

At that point Fred and George walked on the train, glancing around for an empty compartment.

Kid's eyes sparkled. "Twins! Identical twins! What beautiful symmetry!" he thought to himself.

He skipped out of the car to invite the twins into his compartment. They graciously accepted.

"Yes," thought Kid gleefully to himself, "this will make up for the unsymmetricalness of Black Star!"

The twins both promptly sat down on Liz's side.

"NOOOOO!" screamed Kid before fainting.

"What's with him?" demanded both twins simultaneously, Hitachiin-style.

"I'll tell you all about it," giggled Patty, pulling her unconscious meister onto the seat next to her. "Oh, by the way, I'm Patty, and that's my sister Liz. And this," she pointed to the unconscious boy, "is Death the Kid."

"We'll be looking forward to it," smiled the twins mischievously. "We're Fred and George, in some order." Even Liz was grinning as she closed the compartment door, preparing to tell all of Kid's horror stories.

Only Black Star was unhappy. His reconnaissance mission had failed epically. He refused to tell them his name.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile Maka, Soul, Tsubaki, and Crona were trying to find an empty compartment. They passed a round-faced boy who said he lost his toad. Eventually the group found a large, vacant car near the end of the train.<p>

No sooner did they get their trunks stored and sit back down than the train started moving. Parents on the platform waved as the train drew out of sight.

Peaceful green countryside and houses flashed by.

The compartment door slid open. It was the youngest red-haired boy from before.

"Anyone sitting here?" he asked, pointing to the seat beside Maka and Soul. "Everywhere else is full. Maybe."

"Sure!" Maka offered, and the boy sat down. There was a spot for one more - in the seat opposite with Tsubaki and Crona - if Black Star ever came around.

"Hey, Ron."

It was the twins.

"Listen, we're in one of the front compartments, and there are these _crazy _people with us! I didn't even know you could have blue hair-"

Maka and the others shared a knowing look. _Black Star._

"Anyway, we'll be going down the middle of the train - Lee has a giant tarantula down there!"

"Right," mumbled Ron.

"Oh," remarked one of the twins, realizing there were other occupants - four of them, in fact. "We really should introduce ourselves. Fred and George Weasley. And that's Ron, our brother."

Tsubaki quickly introduced her group. "The blue-haired kid's Black Star, he's with us, we got lost after the barrier," she added.

"Okay, that makes sense," said the twins. "See you later."

"Bye," said Ron. The compartment door finally slid shut.

"Black Star!" exclaimed Ron. "As in the Star clan?"

"I'm afraid so," smiled Tsubaki.

"Blimey, I thought they all died out..." Ron trailed off.

"What about your family?" wondered Soul. "Are they all witches?" The DWMA students were finding Ron and his family just as fascinating as Ron found them. Though not in_ that_ way.

"Er - yes, I think so. I think Mum's got a second cousin who's an accountant, but we never talk about him."

"So you must know loads of magic already."

The Weasleys were one of those old families the pale-faced kid was talking about, Soul realized.

Suddenly Maka, Soul, and Tsubaki stood up.

"Hey!" protested Ron. "Where are you going?"

"We're going to see the tarantula," Soul improvised. In truth, they were going down to the front to find Black Star - and yell at him.

"Er, all right," mumbled Ron, quickly finding himself alone with Crona. "Have fun with that."

_Next time: Blatant intruders! Why Crona should not be left alone!_


	14. Things That Happen On A Train, Part 1

**Things That Happen On A Train, Part 1  
><strong>

Author's Note: Unfortunately, this chapter _does _have a cliffhanger...we all have our evil moments.

Author's Note 2: Starting from this chapter, one of the characters will speak only in Spanish. I provided translations (numbered in **bold**) at the bottom of the page. I used Babel Fish for the translations, so I apologize in advance if they're not entirely perfect.

* * *

><p>Fred and George managed to get back to Kid's compartment just as he regained consciousness.<p>

The first thing he saw were the twins standing in the doorway. "Twins..." he remarked happily. "Identical ones..."

"Sit on either side this time," Liz offered. "Otherwise he'll faint again."

"Or, you can stand on the seats," countered Black Star, who incidentally was doing just that. "I'm such a star, my superior leg strength will allow me to remain standing this entire ride!"

A sudden curve in the track caused Black Star to tumble off his makeshift throne.

"Ow," he moaned, adding in some choice expletives.

Ignoring that little interlude, Fred and George sat on either side of the compartment. Fred found himself seated next to Kid, and noted his unusual hair.

"You're..." he gasped. "You're _that _Death the Kid!"

Yeah, Fred, there's other Death the Kids walking around, leading perfectly normal lives.

"I thought it was just a rumour, that the great Death the Kid was transferred to Hogwarts," continued George. Kid couldn't tell if he was being sarcastic or not.

"I think we should give him a complimentary toilet seat," mused Fred.

To their surprise, Kid asked, "Is it symmetrical? The one at home has a scratch on one side."

The twins stared at each other. The last topic of conversation they expected to have with a wizarding celebrity was toilets.

Not that they were disappointed. Being third years and thus 13, they were simply going through their potty humour stage. Literally.

"He's kidding," said Liz. "I think."

"Look!" cried out Black Star, again trying to re-enter the conversation. "Candy!"

Indeed, the trolley lady was coming by at that very moment.

"Cool! Floating pumpkins!" exclaimed Black Star, referring to the pumpkin pastries. They had been charmed to float above the cart. "I'll buy the lot!"

The trolley lady frowned, but when Black Star offered the necessary money, she reluctantly gave him the cart. Luckily she was near the front, so she left to stock up another trolley.

Kid, Liz, Patty, Fred, George, and Black Star eagerly dived into the pile of candy riches.

Every edible creation was more bizarre than the last: the aforementioned pumpkin pastries, cauldron cakes, and the soon-to -be-infamous Bertie Bott's Every-Flavour Beans.

Infamous because, well, they had the Weasley twins to contend with.

"Did I tell you I ate a bogey-flavoured one once?" declared George just as Liz and Patty were about to bite into their green-coloured beans.

Needless to say, the DWMA students didn't touch the beans after that. Except for Patty, who ate a deep-red one, thinking it was Kishin-flavoured.

Three bottles of Kindy Kasper's Colour-Changing Water later, Patty reported that it was red-hot chilli pepper.

* * *

><p>Unfortunately their treat-sharing party was interrupted by the appearance of some unwelcome newcomers.<p>

It was a group of three boys. Black Star recognized the middle one from the robe shop. The one he wanted to beat up.

"Is it true?" he said. "They're saying all down the train that Death the Kid, that weird transfer student, is in this compartment. Along with some kid who forgot his ADD medication. So it's you, isn't it?"

"Add?" growled Black Star, becoming much more touchy than he was in the shop. This is because he was born with a bizarre deficit (Alternate Sugar Reaction Disorder, or ASRD) where the more sugar he ingests, the grouchier he becomes. "I know how to do my maths, thank you very much. Not that I bother..."

"Yes," remarked Kid calmly, referring to the pale boy's question. The other two kids stood like bodyguards around the middle one. They were big, thickset, and looked incredibly mean. Not to mention slow-witted.

"Oh, this is Crabbe and Goyle," said the pale boy carelessly. "And my name's Malfoy. Draco Malfoy."

"Yes, you did forget to introduce yourself before indulging me in your life story at the shop," said Black Star sarcastically.

At that Fred and George burst out laughing. Draco turned noticeably red in the face.

"Y-You're one to laugh!" he stuttered.

"Ones, I believe," corrected George.

"Last we checked, George and I functioned as separate beings," Fred added.

"Maybe you should take the year off and learn biology."

"We're sure your _father _can arrange that, aren't we, George?"

"WHO CARES?" yelled Draco loudly. "You (*)(& twins look &**( alike anyway, and you're &*&)(& poor and *&^-"

"Symmetrical, unlike _your_ little friends," growled Kid. "My reputation seems to have proceeded me...perhaps you know what happens when I get mad, hmm?"

"I'm such a big star, I'm sure my reputation precedes myself as well," declared Black Star, cracking his knuckles. "I haven't gotten to beat the &*&^* out of anyone in almost two months. I don't want to get soft."

Draco was paling rapidly. "Fighting's not allowed on the train," he managed to whimper.

"Don't worry," grinned Black Star evilly. "You're so sure you'll get into Slytherin house. Suppose I have a grudge. When I get picked for Slytherin...you know what that means, or do I have to explain it to you &^*%^*s?"

Draco did his best Crona twitching impersonation, shouted curses and something about "I'll tell my father", then ran out of the compartment with bodyguards in tow.

After they left Patty sighed. "Thought we'd be on cleanup duty!" she giggled.

"That Malfoy's sure a git," Fred growled. "Thinks his family name'll get him anywhere!

Liz shrugged. "Kid's also from a...privileged family. But that other boy...he's so darn smug!"

"Did you see their asymmetricalness?" Kid moaned. "What was he thinking when he picked his wea-"

Liz pulled Kid aside. "Don't mention weapons," she hissed into his ear.

"So what did you mean by having a 'privileged' family?" both twins asked at once.

Liz sweatdropped upon realizing her mistake. "Um...it's a secret!"

"You don't keep secrets at Hogwarts," remarked both twins ominously.

The rest of the train ride proceeded relatively smoothly, with conversation switching between their collective distain of Malfoy, what school at Hogwarts would be like, and the twins' probing of the DWMA students - which failed, other than learning what a big star Black Star *thought* he was.

Death the Kid took the time to measure his school supplies. The twins stared at him quizzically until Liz and Patty explained that Kid was so excited, he was simply admiring his supplies. They tried to shift positions in such a way that the ruler was always blocked from view.

But yeah, other than that, it was a perfectly normal trip.

However, that cannot be said for the other weapons and meisters. The weirdness was just beginning...

* * *

><p>Crona and Ron were left alone in the car.<p>

After a short pause Crona asked, "Is your family nice to you?"

For some reason Ron became a little gloomy after this question. "I guess so," the redhead replied, "especially Mum, even if she is overbearing. But...I'm the sixth of my family to go to Hogwarts. You could say I've got a lot to live up to...I never get anything new either, with five brothers. I've got Bill's old clothes, Charlie's old wand and Percy's old rat [spoiler: He's EVIL!]."

"At least you have brothers," Crona said quietly, also becoming noticeably gloomy. "And a pet."

"His name's Scabbers and he's pretty useless," countered Ron, still gloomy. "You can have him, if you really want to. I can try to turn him yellow to make him more interesting for you."

"That would be nice," remarked Crona. "My mother never did nice things like that..."

Ron wisely chose not to pursue the topic further. He rummaged in his trunk and pulled out a battered-looking wand. It was chipped in places and something silvery was sticking out at the end.

"Unicorn hair's sticking out. Anyway-"

He had barely raised his wand when the round-faced boy from before popped his head in. He was joined this time by a bushy-haired girl wearing her Hogwarts robes.

"Has anyone seen a toad? Neville's-" the girl began, but stopped upon noticing the mood of the car.

"What's got into you?" she demanded.

Ron recited his tale of toil and inferiority complexes. Crona even threw in that he didn't even have brothers, just a mother who never did anything nice, like go out for ice cream. He wisely avoided the parts about the whole 'black blood experimentation on her own child' thing.

Neville was crying at the conclusion of such depressing tales. "I never told anyone this before," he moaned between shaking sobs, "b-but my parents were tortured to the point of insanity. They're alive, but in a live not worth living...and now Trevor..."

Even the girl was shaking. "It's okay, Neville," she held the boy's hand for support, "we'll find Trevor, and you won't have to be alone anymore. I promise."

"O-okay," said Neville. "I'll see you later, Ron, and Cr-Cr-Crona!" A new wave of emotion washed over him, and with a final sob he and the girl left the car.

They had not left for two minutes before a new intruder interrupted their car, but this encroacher was at least creative.

A) They came in through the window.

B) They weren't human.

Unfortunately the window wasn't open, so Eruka had to pound against the window until Ron kindly opened the window for her.

"I am never hanging off of a moving train, trying to get noticed by 11-year old boys, EVER AGAIN!" she calmly declared out loud.

Crona had been stalked by this particular frog before, so its speaking was no surprise to him. That didn't stop him from starting to twitch nervously.

Ron, however, was shocked out of his mind by this development.

"It's...a...talking...frog," he stated obviously. "That's it, I'm never eating chocolate frogs again."

"You never watched the Muppets?" wondered Eruka. "Shame. I used to watch it as a kid. Before my being a witch kind of irreversibly corrupted my morals."

Eruka suddenly noticed Scabbers in the car. "Hey look, a member of the Mezumi family. What the *&*)(?"

Scabbers started floating for no reason.

"Oh, my," said Ron, then fell asleep for even less reason.

"Finally, we're alone," sighed Eruka, referring to her and Crona. But not in THAT WAY. Seriously, that's just disturbing.

She hopped onto Crona's shoulder. The floating Scabbers, apparently, wasn't deemed a threat.

"Lady Medusa is very proud of you," the frog continued. "You managed to take the Academy's top (or at least, most important) students and convert them to our side. That is why you're all going to Hogwarts, isn't it?"

Crona did his twitchy eye thing again. He was on the verge of another of his are-you-evil-or-not identity crises. All he really wanted was to return to his corner. Or the random hole in the middle of the desert. Or the little sandy planet in the theatre of his mind.

Anywhere, really, except here. Or in Medusa's house.

Luckily Eruka couldn't continue her (intentional?) emotional torture, for at that moment a toad hopped into the car.

"Oh," Eruka gasped, her heart skipping a beat. She could sense that this was no ordinary toad, some kind of rugged charm radiating from that wart-covered form...

Or maybe this is what toads and frogs see in each other.

The toad croaked something that sounded suspiciously like "_Senorita_," in as sexy a voice as you can get while still qualifying as a toad. "_Llámeme_ _Trevor..._**(1)**" he continued.

"Oh, Trevor..." said Eruka mushily.

"Oh, Eruka..." croaked the toad.

"Um, how did you know my name?"

The toad finally noticed the presence of Scabbers the floating rat. He made intimidating croaking noises.

The rat seemed to understand what was being said, because he squeaked back a response.

Suddenly there was a bright flash of light. In place of the rat there was...

An incredibly ugly, floating man.

"Who are you?" Crona asked.

"I'm glad you asked," cackled the man. "I am Peter Pettigrew. The most cowardly evil wizard ever, with no redeeming qualities whatsoever. My skills being not particularly marketable, I decided to explore the final frontier of evilness...as a space criminal."

Eruka and Crona shared a look that said, _What the heck?_

"And now a measly toad thinks he can stop me. Look! He can't even shut down my Anti-Gravity suit!"

"_Corte la mejilla,_" declared the toad, this time in a gravelly human voice. "_Es tiempo alguien decidida para reunir a este pequeño bribón molesto._

_"El alma protege el lanzamiento!" _**(2)**

_Next time: Dramatic confrontation! Though let us visit the trolley first!_

* * *

><p><strong>(1)<strong> My name is Trevor.

**(2) **Cut the cheek. It's time someone decided to round uo this pesky little rascal. _Soul Protect Release!_


	15. Things That Happen On A Train, Part 2

**What the Other People Were Doing**

Maka, Soul and Tsubaki worked their way down the train cars, peeking into each compartment to see if Black Star was there.

Unfortunately when they were nearing the front of the train they had to navigate around a trolley stacked with colourful oddities.

"Hullo dears, would you like something?" requested the trolley lady.

Like Black Star, Soul found himself mesmerized by the floating pumpkins. Maka and Tsubaki simply squeezed by the cart, but Soul couldn't take his eyes off of those pumpkins.

* * *

><p>"Pum pum pumpkin," murmured Blair sadly from Maka's apartment in Death City. Much as she wanted to join Maka and the others for adventures at Hogwarts (with all of those teenage boys!), she had discovered that she had a paralyzing fear of trains - which meant she couldn't get to London, nevertheless on the Hogwarts Express.<p>

* * *

><p>Completely unaware of the goings-on in Death City, Soul kept staring at the floating pumpkins.<p>

**"Soul," whispered the red demon, "why don't you come into the Black Room and play the piano...?"**

**"Why the &**(^* am I floating?" demanded Soul. Indeed, he was on a floating chair suspended in the dark part of Soul's mind.**

**"I don't know," shrugged the demon, "this is the theatre of your mind. I'm just here to corrupt it."**

**"Never mind," sighed Soul, "I'm leaving you...to buy those pumpkins."**

Once he had exited the theatre of his mind, Soul paid for a bag of pumpkin pastries. The trolley lady chose not to ask why her customer had spent the last five minutes looking at the pumpkins with a longing look on his face.

By this time Maka and Tsubaki were far down the train. Soul ran to catch up to them.

Suddenly Maka gave a small gasp.

"Huh? What is it, Maka?" asked Soul, panting from his sprint.

"I just detected this huge soul wavelength," Maka quickly explained. "It must have been a witch releasing their Soul Protect. It's - it's coming from Crona's car!"

She quickly dashed off to the back of the train. Soul, annoyed because he was_ just there_ thirty seconds ago, had no choice but to follow her.

"Um, I'll keep looking for Black Star," Tsubaki offered belatedly. Unfortunately, without a meister she wasn't very useful in combat...though she _could _start kicking people in the face if she had to.

Back at their compartment, Soul slammed open the door, only to gape in absolute confusion.

The redhead - Rolliver? Sonny? Boy, his short-term memory sucked - was lying on the seat and appeared to be napping. Crona had scooted into one corner, and now had a frog on his shoulder. Oddly enough, there was an incredibly ugly man floating. What was most shocking, however, was the -

"Let me in!" His partner shoved Soul out of the way, only for her to gape in confusion as well.

There, standing in plain view, was a legendary...

_Space cowboy._

* * *

><p>Where Trevor once stood was the strangest-dressed man to ever walk upon this world. In fact, he defied description, but if you <em>really<em> want to know...

Think of a streamlined white spacesuit, but with pinwheels on the boots. And a short white fedora, and a lasso slung over one arm. Then add in some combination of all of the bizarre decorative touches you've encountered over the years, plus a holster for two guns, and you've got yourself a space cowboy.

"Uh...uh...uh," Crona was at a loss for words.

"&*((& he's hot," commented Eruka.

At this point Ron woke back up, and miraculously did not faint from the blatant strangeness of Trevor.

_"¡Usted no se escapará de este coche!"_ declared Trevor the space cowboy in the same gravelly voice from before._ "¡No usted - el criminal del espacio que he perseguido para un milésimo de un año!"_ **(1)**

"That doesn't even make sense," moaned Maka.

"I think we have to defeat the floating guy," commented Soul, transforming into a scythe.

Belatedly Ron remembered he never did his 'turn yellow' spell. He pointed his wand at Peter Pettigrew and recited:

_"Sunshine daisies_

_Butter mellow_

_Turn this stupid fat rat yellow!"_

Suddenly a large pink barrier appeared around Pettigrew.

"Ha!" he shouted. "Your puny attacks are nothing against my Reflector Shield!"

Alas, nothing actually happened.

"Is that even a real spell?" Pettigrew taunted.

"George gave it to me..." Ron moaned.

Just as suddenly as it had appeared, the Reflector Shield vanished from sight.

"Drat, I used up the 30-second trial version by accident," groaned Pettigrew, "and for a fake spell, no less. And the technique takes five minutes to charge up!"

"Um, you just told us your weakness," Maka pointed out.

"Double drat!"

_"¡El Now es nuestra ocasión! ¡__Pescar cabeza!" _**(2)** cried Trevor, pulling off his laser lasso, which started to glow orange. You know, just for the ^*&*(^ of it.

Maka started attacking with Soul, inflicting several strikes on the vulnerable criminal.

After a few blows she realized that Pettigrew had no cuts. "Oh, no!" she gasped. "He's - he's too powerful!"

"No," grinned Pettigrew, "this is the 'young and innocent' section of the Harry Potter franchise, so there is a No-Blood filter on the Hogwarts Express at all times. Thus I receive damage, but no blood is shed, and the cars remain in perfect condition. Everyone wins. Just think of it as a kid-friendly boss battle."

At those words a little health bar appeared above Pettigrew's head.

_"Eso tiene sentido,"_ Trevor mused. _"No queremos marcar con una cicatriz el pequeño ni os."_**(3)** With that he pulled out his laser guns and began shooting Pettigrew.

Ron, not wanting to be left out, punched Pettigrew in the face. Pettigrew's health bar was a sliver from zero.

"Hate when that happens," groaned Soul.

Crona also didn't want to be left out, but realized that most of his canon techniques would be too destructive. Thus, he pulled out his wand.

"Oh, look, the wittle Crona thinks he can whip up some magic tricks," mocked Pettigrew.

"Poke," Crona said, poking Pettigrew with the wand.

Pettigrew's health bar dropped to zero.

_The wild PETER PETTIGREW fainted! _

Pettigrew vanished in a bright flash of blue light.

_"Transportan a todos los enemigos derrotados automáticamente a la autoridad de vigilancia del espacio,"_ Trevor explained. He transformed back into a toad, then hopped toward Eruka. "_¿Ahora, dónde éramos?_"**(4)**

"The part where I wonder how you knew my name," said Eruka helpfully. "But I _could _remember being in the middle of something else, if you wanted..."

"TREVOR!"

Neville had walked back into the compartment and happily scooped up his toad.

_"¡Oh estimado, no el asilo insano otra vez! I tiene gusto de Pokémon__,"_**(5) **murmured the toad intelligently.

"No! No! NOOOOO!" Eruka wailed. "My one TRUE LOVE!"

"Nice scythe," Neville complimented Maka before leaving the compartment.

"_La mansión frecuentada es absolutamente educativa_,"**(6)** Trevor said sadly as he vanished from sight.

The coast clear, Soul un-transformed, opened the widow, and flicked Eruka out of it.

"Trevor!" Eruka screamed the entire way out.

_Next time: Kid has a horrible realization! Proceed onto magical boats with caution!  
><em>

* * *

><p><strong>(1)<strong> You will not escape from this car! Not you - the space criminal I have pursued for one thousandth of a year!

**(2)** Now's our chance! Fish heads!

**(3) **That makes sense. We don't want to scar the little children.

**(4)** All defeated enemies automatically are transported to the Space Policing Authority. Now, where were we?

**(5) **Oh dear, not the insane asylum again! I like to watch Pokémon.

**(6)** The Haunted Mansion is very educational.


	16. From Trains To Magical Boats, Oh My!

**From Trains To Magical Boats, Oh My!  
><strong>

Tsubaki pulled open the last compartment door to check for her hyperactive, mildly insane partner. Naturally, Black Star was always in the last place she seemed to check.

However, she was surprised to find no Black Star, but Kid in the compartment, along with Liz and Patty, plus two identical boys she remembered from the barrier incident. Candy flooded the seats, and the window was open.

"Oh!" Tsubaki gasped in recognition, stepping inside.

"Is this your friend?" both boys simultaneously asked Kid. "She sure is hot..."

However, Kid appeared to be deeply engrossed in the activity of measuring his wand, and quickly brushed off the remark with a vague, "Yes, she is."

The twins glanced at each other. _About them being friends, or her being hot?_

Tsubaki was about to ask Kid about what on earth had happened to him when a bushy-haired girl popped her head in.

"I just spoke with the driver, and we'll be arriving soon," said the girl. "I'd advise you change into your robes." With that, she vanished.

"I guess I should join my own compartment then," remarked Tsubaki, quickly making her leave.

As soon as his partner left, Black Star swung back through the window.

"Was she one of your friends?" asked the twins.

"Um, yeah, but...I don't think my friends are too happy with me right now."

"Not to worry," reassured the twins. "You won't have to regroup with your friends until the Sorting - and you'll probably end up in different houses anyway."

The car quickly changed into their robes - with the exception of Kid, who was very slow, making sure both sides were lined up.

_Wait, _Black Star wondered while he changed, _what the &&( is a Sorting?_

* * *

><p>A disembodied voice echoed through the train: <strong>"We will be reaching Hogwarts in five minutes' time. Please leave your luggage on the train, it will be taken in shortly. Be sure to remain on the train until it comes to a complete stop, we do not want any...accidents."<strong>

Soul stared curiously at the ceiling of the compartment, looking for some kind of speaker system.

Maka, Tsubaki, Crona, and Ron exited the compartment, having to drag the fascinated Soul out, joining the growing crowd in the corridor.

Momentarily the train slowed to a complete stop, and then (and only then, to avoid the aforementioned accidents) the doors opened. Students pushed for the exits.

Black Star, Liz, Patty and Death the Kid managed to exit the train, only to hear a familiar voice:

"Firs' years o'er here! Firs' years!"

Kid crouched behind Liz and Patty as they followed in the general direction of Hagrid. Black Star tried to sneak the other way, but the twins pushed him in the right direction.

"Go on, go with the big giant guy," taunted Fred.

Elsewhere Maka's group joined the throng of first years. Together they descended down a steep, narrow path. It make miscellaneous twists and turns, then the path opened up to a large black lake. In the distance a large castle beckoned, turrets and towers piercing the heavens. Or perhaps not, it was hard to tell in the dark.

"No more'n four to a boat!" Hagrid called, pointing to a fleet of boats glistening on the water.

Maka, Soul, Tsubaki, and Crona claimed a boat. Black Star, Liz, Patty, and Kid filled another. Ron, fortunately, found a boat with slightly normal companions Hermione, Neville, and a boy who quickly introduced himself as Seamus.

The boats magically began to float toward their destination, Hagrid claiming a whole boat in the lead.

* * *

><p>Once the voyage was underway, Kid hissed, "Liz! Patty! There's something important I need to tell you."<p>

"What is it, Kid?" both sisters asked. Black Star leaned in curiously.

"We have to turn back, now! I have proof this school is run by witches!"

"You do?" Black Star interrupted, blowing his eavesdropping cover.

"I measured all of my supplies...I thought the measurements couldn't possibly be right, so I measured them again...and yet again...and to my utter horror...THEY WERE ALL UNSYMMETRICAL!"

His shout caused many heads to turn.

"In case you haven't noticed," Liz sighed, "these boats are MAGICAL. We can't turn back even if we wanted to."

"Lots of things are unsymmetrical," Patty pointed out. "They probably didn't mean to pick out_ just_ unsymmetrical supplies for you."

"This school is hazardous to my health..." Kid moaned.

* * *

><p>"Hey, Crona," Maka asked, "did you get a letter?"<p>

Crona began twitching yet again. "Um...y-y-yes, I-I-I did."

"Would you mind telling us about it?" Maka continued gently.

"Well, I...I...I think I have to go to the bathroom!" Crona quickly resorted to a past excuse.

"Go right ahead," said Soul, gesturing toward the lake.

Crona belatedly realized he was in a magical boat, and was stuck telling his tale of woe and childhood abuse.

Now let us proceed to the theatre of Crona's mind...

_"Look what came in the mail!" hissed Medusa maliciously. "A letter, from the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry!"_

_"Does it hurt?" Crona moaned. "It sounds sharp. And pointy. I can't deal with that."_

_Medusa gleefully opened the letter. Crona peeked over her shoulder anxiously._

_"So _that's_ what my last name is," Crona commented.  
><em>

_"A magic school," Medusa cackled. "I think I'll send you there, so you can become a real witch."_

_"No!" Crona protested. "It'll be dark. And scary. And people will laugh at my hair. I can't deal with that."_

_"Maybe I'll just dye it."_

"But then, after that, strange things began to happen," continued Crona, exiting the theatre of his mind. "One day Lady Medusa did try to dye my hair - but the next day, it just became pink again.

"Then once I went to a snake exhibit, and...I think I accidentally sicced a snake on someone."

Soul frowned. "Weird stuff always seems to happen to you."

"All those things...it only seemed to encourage her. Saying something about magic. Then one day she started to chase me around the house. If she caught me, she said, she would take me to Hogwarts in the most painful way possible.

"Fortunately I found the big, dark room she liked to lock me inside. I figured it'd be the last place she'd look, so I hid in the corner and kept very still.

"Somehow I ended up teleporting outside. I found Medusa's personal transport broomstick, and was able to fly away..."

"Like I said, weird stuff seems to happen to you," reiterated Soul.

* * *

><p>Despite having to duck for a low cliff, nothing else eventful happened for either group. Eventually the boats made landfall, and Hagrid led them up to a large, oak door.<p>

"Liz, Patty, weapon forms," commanded Kid, "while we're lost in the crowd."

"Fine, if it makes you feel better," Liz rolled her eyes, turning into a gun. Patty followed suit.

Hagrid walked up to the door and knocked three times.

"McGonagall...McGonagall...McGonagall..."

_Next time: Close encounters of the ghostly kind! The first years_ _attempt to make a straight line!_


	17. The Sorting! Or Not

**The Sorting!...Or Not  
><strong>

Last time, a disembodied voice gave a standardized ride warning for the Hogwarts Express, Death the Kid and Crona were inconvenienced by magically propelled boats, ahnd Hagrid dropped a Big Bang Theory Easter egg...despite it being the wrong season entirely.

Said door swung open at once. An incredibly stern-looking lady came out.

"The firs' years, McGonagall," said Hagrid. As if there was any other explanation for the frightened 11-year olds huddling behind him.

"Thank you, Hagrid. I will take them from here."

She pulled open the door and led them through the Entrance Hall, which in Soul's opinion was quite exaggerated - not cool at all.

The large group kept walking until they reached a small chamber off the hall. Loud noises could be heard through the doors directly in front of them - the rest of the school was already there, apparently.

Whoever designed Hogwarts either had low foresight or enjoyed close personal contact, because the first years all had to crowd into that one small chamber.

Maka and Tsubaki were squished together. Kid was shoved between Draco and the bushy-haired girl - who quickly introduced herself as Hermione Granger - which, in retrospect, was probably not a very good position to be in.

"Welcome to Hogwarts," said Professor McGonagall. "The start-of-term banquet will begin shortly, but before you take your seats in the Great Hall, you will be sorted into your houses. The sorting is a very important ceremony because, while you are here, your house will be something like your family within Hogwarts."

The various orphan-children-turned-wizards cheered, except for Black Star (who rolled his eyes) and Soul (who was too busy being squished).

"You will have classes with the rest of your house - and occasionally other houses, to cause drama - sleep in your house dormitory -"

The first years collectively gasped in horror.

"-With your age peers, and your own gender besides. If you stopped interrupting, this speech would go much faster. Anyway, before I was interrupted, I was saying that you will sleep in your house dormitory, and spend free time in the house common room.

"The four houses are called Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, and Slytherin. Each house has its own noble and not-so-noble history, house ghost, colour scheme, etc. and each has produced outstanding witches and wizards. While you are at Hogwarts, your triumphs will earn you house points, while any rule-breaking will lose house points. At the end of the year the house with the most points is awarded the house cup, which is a great honour but quite useless in practice. I hope each of you will become a credit to whichever house is yours." At this she glared at Black Star who, having used brute force to get next to Draco Malfoy, had trapped him in a stranglehold.

"The Sorting Ceremony will take place in a few minutes in front of the whole school, which is exactly what newly arriving, 11-year old witches and wizards need. I suggest you all smarten yourselves up as much as you can while waiting."

Her gaze lingered on Black Star and Crona's hair. Maka nervously brushed off her robes. Ron had something on his nose but made no effort to remove it. Kid wondered whether he should comply with the school's rules, or become rebellious and un-tidy himself, breaking his code of symmetry in the process.

Liz and Patty wondered if they were really supposed to be here.

"I shall return when we are ready for you," said Professor McGonagall. "Please wait quietly."

Soul pushed his way through the crowd to Ron. "How exactly do they sort us into houses?"

"Some sort of test, I think. Fred said it hurts a lot, but I think he was joking."

Soul pushed his way back through the crowd and relayed the message to Maka and Tsubaki.

Kid mused that if he failed his Sorting, he might be able to return home. Yes! For the first time since being kidnapped he smiled.

Black Star continued to enact his revenge against Malfoy. He would certainly have succeeded in killing off the pale-faced boy pernamently, had he not been distracted by some newly-arriving visitors.

Ghosts started to pour into the room. As the chamber was already packed to capacity and then some, the ghosts simply went through the gathered children.

One of the ghosts was small, purple, and vaguely cat-like in shape. "Gengar!" it chorused as it flew around the room.

"What's going on?" demanded Patty. "Why are people screaming?"

"There's ghosts," remarked Kid calmly.

"G-G-Ghosts!" Liz cried out. "Anything but ghosts!" Her gun form started vibrating.

"Gotta catch 'em all, Pokémon!" sang a fat little monk ghost. "Gosh, I love that show!"

The gathered first years stared at him, some in fright, some in utter confusion over what the &*)( a Pokémon was.

"New students!" exclaimed the Fat Friar. "About to be sorted, I suppose?"

A few students nodded mutely.

"Hope to see you in Hufflepuff!" said the Fat Friar. "By the way, if any of you meets an untimely end and comes back as a ghost, you can join me on Saturdays to catch new episodes on Teletoon."

"Move along now," said a sharp voice. "The Sorting Ceremony's about to start."

Professor McGonagall had returned. One by one the ghosts vanished into the wall.

"Now form a line," instructed Professor McGonagall, "and follow me."

The students tried very hard, but the room was much too small to do so.

"Let me rephrase that," declared McGonagall. "Gather in small bunches that vaguely create a straight line, and follow me."

This was _slightly_ easier to accomplish. Many students simply left the chamber altogether, forming a line that snaked down the corridor.

Satisfied, McGonagall led them into the Great Hall.

Thousands of candles were floating above four glistening tables. Seated at these tables were even more people with pointy hats. A fifth table stood at the far end of the hall, seating people of various sizes. _The teachers, _Maka reasoned.

There was also Snape the stalker hooked-nosed man. His hair was greasy, as usual.

Also at the front of the hall was a simple footstool with a hat placed upon it, both of which had clearly seen better days. McGonagall led the first years up to this hat.

The hat was worn, with several patches upon it. _Maybe we have to pull a rabbit out of it, _Tsubaki thought wildly. _It's not like anything else makes much sense here. Or in Soul Eater, for that matter._

Everyone in the hall was staring at the hat. Some of the first years did, too. There was a few seconds of complete silence. Then the hat twitched. A rip near the bottom began to -

"WHAT BLATANT ASYMMETRY!" Death the Kid yelled loudly, shooting at the hat in the Grim Reaper Death Stance.

The hat began to shout various expletives.

"We blew up the hat!" Patty chanted.

"And meanwhile, the whole school is staring at us," groaned Liz.

"STUFEPY!" cried a quick-witted student seated at the Ravenclaw table. Kid dropped to the ground, immobilized. The Ravenclaw Prefects got up to drag him away quietly.

The hat cleared its throat. "Any other hat assassins among yourselves? If so, please make yourselves known."

The first years stared at each other blankly.

Getting no response, the Sorting Hat deemed it safe to sing, and he/she/it did so with vigour:

_Oh, you may not think I'm pretty,_  
><em>But don't judge on what you see,<em>  
><em>I'll eat myself if you can find<em>  
><em>A smarter hat than me<em>

_Even though that's **physically impossible!**_

_You can keep your bowlers black,_  
><em>Your top hats sleek and tall,<em>  
><em>For I'm the Hogwarts Sorting Hat<em>  
><em>And I can top them all.<em>  
><em>There's nothing hidden in your head<em>  
><em>The Sorting Hat can't see<em>

_Because I'm the **ultimate stalker!**_

_So try me on and I will tell you_  
><em>Where you ought to be.<em>  
><em>You might belong in Gryffindor,<em>  
><em>Where dwell the brave at heart,<em>  
><em>Their daring, nerve and occasional stupidity<em>  
><em>Set Gryffindors apart;<em>

_There's also three other houses too_

_Not that anyone cares_

_And this no longer rhymnes_

_But come on! _

_I'm a &*( talking hat_

_And I have lice -  
><em>

_Erm, forget I said that_

_And just put me on, already_

_So I can go back to the &*^* store cupboard_

_And have a &^&^(^ nap for once!  
><em>

There was stunned silence at the end of the song. Clearly, no one had expected the hat to cheerfully belt out expletives.

"After all these years...he's finally lost it," murmured Dumbledore, having the infamous twinkle in his eyes once more.

The hat stuck its tongue out at each of the four tables, then became quite still again.

"Well, that was weird," Patty commented.

"What the &*&)," Black Star commented, which pretty much described everyone's thoughts at that point.

"So we've just got to try on the hat!" Ron whispered to Soul, who had ended up beside each other again. "I'll kill Fred, he was going on about fighting a troll."

Crona wasn't feeling particularly brave or quick-witted at the moment. If there was a house for extremely nervous children who occasionally went insane - yes, that would be the house for him.

McGonagall now stepped forward with a long scroll.

"When I call your name, not necessarily in alphabetical order, you will put on the hat and sit on the stool to be sorted," she said...

* * *

><p>And now, for what the evil people are doing...<p>

"Lady Medusa!" Eruka exclaimed. "I have the perfect victim to test Brew on!"

"Hm?" said Medusa, looking up from her crystal ball. She was watching the Sorting at Hogwarts, to stalk her son. She paused the program.

"It must be a monumental enemy to be destroyed by Brew," Medusa drawled. "After all, it is only the most powerful magic tool of Eibon, even though, for spoiler protection reasons, I am unable to reveal what, exactly, it does. Who do you have in mind?"

"Neville Longbottom," Eruka stated without hesitation.

Medusa paused. That was not the person she expected to hear. "And what exactly did this...Neville Longbottom do to cross us, and deserve the wrath of Brew?"

"He kidnapped my true love!" wailed Eruka.

"Who is...?"

"Trevor."

"...I'm afraid I don't understand."

"He's Neville's toad. Who turns into a space cowboy."

"I'll consider it," remarked Medusa. "Umm...no."

"But why? We always do the stuff YOU wanna do!"

"I'm also the one that put snakes inside of you."

"How many snakes are left, anyway?"

"Well, it's a countable number now, so...two. But, you see...they reproduced inside of your body. A lot. So that leads me to..."

Eruka muttered darkly about something concerning sharp pointy objects and Medusa's anatomy.

_Next time: The Sorting! For real this time!  
><em>

* * *

><p>Author's Note: Be warned, I may be late posting next week's chapter due to visiting family over the Christmas holidays. Feel free to try and guess where everyone will be Sorted in the meantime, though. I hope at least one will come as a surprise...:)<em><br>_


	18. The Sorting  Really!

**The Sorting - Really!**

Author's Note: Once again, sorry for the delay. A belated Merry Christmas to you all, and a Happy New Year!

* * *

><p>"I called you all here today," began Lord Death, "to make an important announcement..."<p>

Spirit, Justin, and Marie were gathered inside of the Death Room, along with Sid, Dr. Stein, and Joe.

"Kid's getting Sorted right now!"

"Yaaay," said the various Death Scythes and teachers with limited enthusiasm. Only Joe clapped and did the Rumba dance, because he (of course) drank too much coffee.

"That hat is so patient, going through all of those students..." gushed Marie. "That's it! I will marry the Sorting Hat!"

"I don't see him in the crowd, though..." remarked Lord Death sadly.

"MAKA!" Spirit exclaimed loudly.

"Could you keep it down?" complained Justin. "I am trying to listen to my iPod, but you are being incredibly noisy."

"It's Maka! Being sorted!" elaborated Spirit. "She wasn't kidnapped at all! Or attacked by witches! Or...wait...WHY IS SHE AT HOGWARTS?"

"Not just her," said Sid. "Look, there's Soul, and Black Star, and Tsubaki."

"And Crona," added Stein. "Such an_ interesting_ child..."

The others slowly backed away from him.

Marie was jerked out of her marriage fantasy by a sudden thought. "They...they went to Hogwarts behind my back...no...I'll have to PUNISH THEM!

"But wait…then I'd be no better than Medusa! And what kind of teacher goes around punishing her students? Oh Sorting Hat, my dear husband, help me..."

Everyone backed away from her as well.

"Maybe Kid was just going to the bathroom," reasoned Death. "But at least he'll have lots of friends at Hogwarts! It's a wish come true!"

At that point everyone backed right out of the Death Room except for Spirit (who anxiously awaited the sorting of his daughter) and Joe (who just did the Rumba dance obliviously).

* * *

><p>The Sorting, oblivious to the going-ons at the DWMA, started.<p>

"Hannah Abbott!"

A pink-faced girl with blond pigtails - incidentally, not likely to be mentioned in the rest of this story - stumbled out of the line, put on the hat, which fell right over her eyes, and sat down.

After a moment's pause-

"HUFFLEPUFF!" cried the hat.

The table on the far right burst into applause as Hannah went to sit down at the Hufflepuff table. The Fat Friar waved at her merrily, whispering something that suspiciously sounded like, "I choose you, Hannah Abbott!"

"Susan Bones!"

"HUFFLEPUFF!"

Other miscellaneous stock characters were sorted.

"Hermione Granger!"

"GRYFFINDOR!" shouted the hat, to the disdain of Ron.

A horrible thought occurred to Maka. What if someone had forgotten po update the Hogwarts student list, and she was never called up at all? What if the hat sat on her head for ages, only for McGonagall to yank it off and say she wasn't right for the school at all, and she would be sent home on the Hogwarts Express?

Nevertheless, the Sorting continued on with "Neville Longbottom!"

Neville fell over on the way to the stool. The hat took a long time to sort him. When the hat finally yelled "GRYFFINDOR!" he accidentally ran off with the hat still on his head. He had to run back to give the hat to the next person on the list...

"Maka Albarn."

Despite Professor McGonagall's warning, Maka still fumed at how blatantly out of alphabetical order the Sorting was, all as Neville sheepishly handed her the hat.

"Good luck, Maka," Crona called from somewhere in the crowd.

Maka nervously walked up to the stool. McGonagall placed the hat upon her head. The Great Hall was obliterated from view.

_"Hmm," said a small voice in her head. "Difficult, very difficult."_

_"Like I said...stalker," growled Maka._

_"Plenty of courage, I see. Not a bad mind, either. There's talent. Oh my goodness, yes - and a nice thirst to prove yourself, that's interesting. So where to put you?"_

_"Do you use that line on every student?"_

_"Just for the indecisive ones. Makes them feel better about themselves."_

_There was a period of silence._

_"I'd put you in Ravenclaw, but nothing exciting would happen there...so I'll put you with all the drama and cannon fodder in _GRYFFINDOR!"

There was a large cheer from the far left table. Maka ran to join her new classmates.

* * *

><p>"Gryffindor! I'm so proud of her!" Spirit cried tears of joy.<p>

"Well done!" added Death, clapping.

Joe did the Rumba dance.

* * *

><p>The next important person to go up was Draco Malfoy. The hat had barely touched his head when the hat cried, "SLYTHERIN!"<p>

He ran to join his unsavoury-looking classmates.

"Soul Eater!"

The scythe went to put on the hat.

_"Ah," said the hat, "a sharp mind. You crave power..."_

_"Um, no I don't," Soul interrupted._

**_"Oh, yes he does," smiled the red demon._**

_"Wait - how the *$&^ you get here?"_

**_"Simple. This is all in the theatre of your mind..."_**

_"I have to agree with the demon," said the hat. "Power-hungry...it's _SLYTHERIN_ for you!"_

Maka gasped. Tsubaki and Black Star stared at each other in shock. Crona began twitching again.

Some more unimportant people were sorted. Then it was Crona's turn.

_"Your mom is a famous, evil snake witch...what fine lineage...a one-way street to _SLYTHERIN!"

Crona, not wanting to sit next to the unsavoury people because he couldn't deal with that, sat next to Soul.

"Well, this is awkward," moaned Soul.

Next, it was Black Star's turn.

The hat was barely upon his head when a voice shouted, "SLYTHERIN!"

"False alarm," declared the hat. "This kid was trying his hand at some ventriloquism.

_"So..." drawled the hat, "you're, um - how shall I say this? - low on brains, so Ravenclaw is just plain stupid, if I do say so myself..."_

"SLYTHERIN!"

_"But you_ are_ courageous - oh wait, that's just you being impulsive…so Gryffindor's out..."_

"SLYTHERIN!"

_"Oh? Do I sense a deep desire to do anything to protect your friends? Ah yes, there is! A caring person like you should be in..."_

"SLYTHERIN! SLYTHERIN! SLYTHERIN &*^)&^*( IT!"

"HUFFLEPUFF!"

The far right table cheered. Black Star screamed in despair, loud enough to pierce the heavens. Or perhaps not.

He sat down at the Hufflepuff table and promptly began whacking himself on the head with a gold plate in frustration.

Tsubaki got to go next.

_"Um, Mr. Hat?" Tsubaki quietly requested. "I'm the only one Black Star really listens to - usually - so I think for the safety of this school and everyone it's best if I'm in his house..."_

_"A valid point," considered the hat. "Along with your caring nature, that qualifies you for_ HUFFLEPUFF!"

"Death the Kid," called McGonagall.

At that point Kid was escorted back into the hall, both Ravenclaw Prefects holding wands to his head.

The hall exploded into whispers, apparently recognizing the name, but having not noticed Kid for themselves.

"Is that _the_ Death the Kid?"

"Oy, he has the white stripes..."

"Oh, these unsymmetrical stripes, how they wound me," Kid moaned as the hat was placed upon his head.

_"How does one sort a hat assassin?" mused the hat._

_"He sends him home to continue persuing an utopian, symmetrical life?" offered Kid._

_"Ordinarily, that would have been my...revenge...but no, I can sense your discomfort just from being in this school...I'll put you with all the destructive, impulsive people in_ GRYFFINDOR!"

The cheer was the loudest yet. The Weasley twins chanted, "We got Kid! We got Kid!"

* * *

><p>"Hooray! Hooray! He got Gryffindor!" cheered Lord Death. "The house of important protagonists!"<p>

"And he'll be with Maka!" added Spirit, crying more tears of joy.

Joe did the Rumba dance.

* * *

><p>The last important people to be sorted were Liz and Patty. They had somehow convinced the hat to sort them both at once.<p>

As soon as they were under the hat Liz growled,_ "Listen, you blasted old hat. You've seen firsthand how destructive Kid can be. He needs...a voice of reason."_

_"Therefore," Patty continued, slipping into her Evil Mode, "it would be in your best interest to put us in the same house as him...or it'll be more than your sorry, raggedy old self that'll get destroyed at this school."_

_The Sorting Hat, in fear of his/her/its life, stuttered out, _"G-GRYFFINDOR!"

There was a loud cheer from the entire school, glad the sorting was over -

Oops, Ron still had to have his school future be decided by an old singing hat.

_"Another Weasley, eh?" murmured the hat. "Better be_ SLYTHERIN!"

This time loud booing could be heard from the Slytherin table - except for Soul and Crona, who had not yet recovered from the awkwardness.

_"Just kidding," chuckled the hat. "It's_ GRYFFINDOR!"

The sorting was finally over...until Blaise Zabini was made a Slytherin. THEN it was over.

Finally.

_Next time: Look, free food! But do ghosts make interesting dinner conversationalists?  
><em>


	19. Crona Eats Chicken Nuggets

**Crona Eats Chicken Nuggets  
><strong>

Author's Note 1: I'm so sorry, OXYCODOEFROG! *hands tissue* I had to! Crona's Sorting was for plot reasons! *melodramatically breaks into tears* It's just a story! Please don't kill me over it! _Waah!  
><em>

* * *

><p>Soul stared down at his empty gold plate. Only now did he realize how hungry he was. The floating pumpkins seemed ages ago.<p>

Albus Dumbledore (though, as none of the DWMA students knew who he was, they mentally dubbed him "Strange, Old, Long White-Bearded Guy") got to his feet. He had his arms wide open, as if engaging all present in a big group hug.

"Welcome!" he said. "Welcome to a new year at Hogwarts! Before we begin our banquet, I would like to say a few words. And here they are: Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak! Thank you!"

He sat down. The normal students clapped and cheered. Maka didn't know whether to laugh or not.

"Somehow, my father is watching this," moaned Kid, "and saying, 'What a good idea for a banquet speech!'"

* * *

><p>"What a good idea for a banquet speech!" exclaimed Lord Death upon the conclusion of Dumbledore's brief speech. "I have to try that at the next school banquet!"<p>

Meanwhile, Joe did the Rumba dance.

* * *

><p>"Um," Maka asked the oldest Weasley boy. "Is that white-bearded man - a bit mad?"<p>

"Dumbledore? Mad?" he replied airily. "He's a genius! Best wizard in the world! But he is a bit mad, yes. By the way, I'm Percy Weasley, Gryffindor Prefect."

By this time all four tables were flooded with food like roast beef, chicken, pork chops, sausages...basically, MEAT!

For vegetarians there were roast potatoes, chips, steamed peas and carrots, and, for some reason, mint humbugs. There was even chicken nuggets and all kinds of pizza, for even less reason. All the food you can think of, in other words, except for alcohol and souls.

Soul took the whole plate of salmon from the Slytherin table. After his extended bad day, numerous demon encounters in the theatre of his mind, and finally being sorted into the 'evil' house partly due to said demon, he deserved some fish.

Crona didn't touch any of it, until Maka shouted, "Crona, you should eat something," from across the room, attracting a few stares. Eventually Crona ate some chicken nuggets.

Black Star decided to go on a hunger strike, as a protest for unjustly being put into Hufflepuff.

Kid was appalled by the Gryffindors taking in the food in such an asymmetrical fashion. Thus, he also went on a hunger strike.

Ron, of course, stuffed his face obliviously.

"That does look good," said a ghost in ruff and tights sadly.

Liz, who was cutting into a steak, dropped her cutlery in a hurry. "It talks!" she shouted before diving under the table.

"I'm not an 'it'," said the ghost stiffly. "I am Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington at your service. Resident ghost of Gryffindor Tower."

"I know who you are! said Ron suddenly. "My brothers told me about you - you're Nearly Headless Nick!"

Patty had tuned out the ensuing argument. "Hear what he said?" she pointed out to Kid. "When you're a ghost, you can't eat anything. You should start eating while you're alive."

At this point Nearly Headless Nick yanked on his head. His head flopped uselessly onto his shoulders. Clearly someone had tried to behead him but was incompetent.

Maka gasped in horror while Patty laughed at the macabre display.

"He should be called 'Asymmetrical Nick,'" Kid moaned, all thought of food pushed from his mind.

Meanwhile Nick flopped his head back on. "So - new Gryffindors! I hope you're going to help us win the house championship this year? Gryffindor have never gone so long without winning, because we like to hog the cup like that. Slytherin have got the cup six years in a row! The Bloody Baron's becoming unbearable - he's the Slytherin ghost."

At the Slytherin table sat a ghost with blank staring eyes, a gaunt face and robes covered in blood. And he had a sword, and was eagerly waving it around. He was seated next to Malfoy, who was quite uncomfortable with the sword-waving antics.

"How did he get covered in blood?" Seamus Finnigan asked with great interest.

"I've never asked," Nearly Headless Nick shrugged.

* * *

><p>"I used to slay vampire unicorns for a living," explained the Bloody Baron at the Slytherin table. "Of course, you had to be careful not to drink the blood by accident. Besides, vampire unicorns are incredibly rare, and even the ones I did find - they leave one &amp;^&amp;* of a mess. The dry-cleaning bills were killing me. So, I began a career as a music conductor, with my sword as the baton." He waved his sword with increased fervency.<p>

"That's nice," said Malfoy, bored out of his mind.

"Unfortunately, I fell prey to the vampire violins..."

Meanwhile the Fat Friar was chasing a Gengar around the hall, trying desperately to catch it.

* * *

><p>Momentarily dessert plates appeared. Soul was disappointed to find no floating pumpkins.<p>

At the Gryffindor table, talk turned to their families.

Seamus talked about how his mother was a witch but his father was not, but she didn't tell him until after they were married. Apparently she hadn't stopped to consider how this decision could have backfired horribly.

Neville discussed how his family tried to prove his magical traits by basically attempting to kill him multiple times. They must have applied the same logic as Doctor Octopus, who threw a car at his only lead to Spider-Man.

Meanwhile Percy Weasley and Hermione discussed the upcoming lessons.

Death the Kid, having enough of this so-called banquet, calmly looked up at the High Table. Hagrid (shudder) was getting plastered! Professor McGonagall was talking to Professor Dumbledore, who in turn appeared to be talking on a mirror. Too far away to tell.

A man in a bizarre purple turban was talking to a hooked-nosed man with greasy black hair. For some reason he made Kid rather uncomfortable.

It happened very suddenly. Hooked-Nosed Man looked past the other teacher's turban straight into Kid's eyes - and a sharp, hot pain shot across Kid's stripes.

"Ouch!" Kid clapped a hand to his forehead.

"What is it?" asked Liz (finally popping out from under the table) and Patty.

"N-nothing. Just my stripes being unsymmetrical - probably not a telepathic connection with the Dark Lord."

The pain had gone as quickly as it had come. Harder to shake off was the feeling Kid got from Hooked-Nosed Man's look - a feeling of a _special_ interest in him.

"Who's that teacher talking to Professor Quirrel?" Maka asked Percy.

"Oh, you know Quirrel already, do you? No wonder he's looking so nervous, that's Professor Snape. He teaches potions, but he doesn't want to - everyone knows he's after Quirrel's job - or, possibly, Dumbledore's. Knows an awful lot about the Dark Arts, Snape."

Kid watched Snape for awhile but Snape didn't look at him again. Meanwhile Liz and Patty quickly briefed Maka about Snape's stalkerish tendencies, while Maka relayed information about her meeting Quirrel at the Leaky Cauldron.

At last the desserts vanished and Professor Dumbledore got to his feet again. The hall fell silent.

"Ahem - just a few more words now that we are all fed and watered - discounting those apparently on hunger strikes. I have a few start of term notices to give you. First years should take note that the forest in the grounds is forbidden to all pupils, except as punishment. And a few of our older students would do well to remember that as well."

Dumbledore's twinkling eyes flashed in the direction of the Weasley twins.

Black Star had a wicked grin. Inwardly Tsubaki groaned.

"I have also been asked by Mr. Filch, the caretaker, to remind you all that no magic should be used between classes in the corridors."

The unkempt caretaker glowered at the students, along with a scrawny cat called Mrs. Norris.

Black Star gave both an evil glare back, which Tsubaki knew all too well meant that the caretaker might not survive the week.

"Quidditch trials will be held in the second week of term. Anyone interested in playing for their house teams should contact Madam Hooch."

Soul once again had the mental image of croquet.

"And finally, I must tell you that this year, the third floor corridor on the right-hand side is out of bounds to everyone who does not wish to die a very painful death."

Black Star cackled evilly. All the Hufflepuffs stared at him. A few other people laughed.

"Is he being serious?" Maka muttered to Percy. Even with all of her practice with the equally eccentric Lord Death, it was hard to tell.

"Must be," said Percy, frowning at Dumbledore. "It's odd, because he usually gives us a reason why we're not allowed to go somewhere -"

He was interrupted by Dumbledore inviting them to sing the "School Song". The other teachers' smiles became rather fixed.

It went like this:

_Hogwarts, Hogwarts, Hoggy Warty Hogwarts,_

_Teach us something please...  
><em>

And so on.

Most of the Slytherin table mumbled the entire song, occasionally adding their own lyrics. Soul muttered something about "Cooldom is dead" while Crona refused to deal with singing the song.

Everybody finished the song at different times. Some as soon as they had started. Last to finish were the Weasley twins, who sang along to a slow funeral march...a funeral for the death of cooldom.

When they finished Dumbledore was one of those that clapped the loudest. Or at all.

"Ah, music," he said, wiping tears from his eyes. "A magic beyond all we do here! And now, bedtime. Off you trot!"

* * *

><p>Percy led the first year Gryffindors out of the Great Hall and up a marble staircase.<p>

They went up staircases, past whispering portraits, and twice even went through hidden doors. Suddenly Percy stopped by a bundle of floating walking sticks. Kid, sensing trouble, had Liz and Patty discreetly turn into weapon forms.

As Percy walked toward the walking sticks, they began to throw themselves at him.

"Peeves," Percy whispered to the first years, "a Poltergeist." He raised his voice. "Peeves - show yourself."

A loud, rude sound, like the air being blown out of a balloon, answered.

"Do you want me to go to the Bloody Baron?"

There was a pop and a little man with wicked dark eyes and a wide mouth appeared, floating cross-legged in the air, clutching the walking sticks.

"Ohhhhh!" he cackled. "Ickle Firsties! What fun!"

Kid promptly shot at him. The other first years ducked.

Somehow the shots were effective. "Ow ow ow!" moaned Peeves. "Never mind, I'll go bother the measly Huffle Puffles!"

With that he zoomed away down the hall, rattling suits of armour along the way. Liz and Patty quickly un-transformed before people noticed their absence.

"You want to watch out for Peeves," said Percy as they set off again. "The Bloody Baron's the only one who can control him...until now." He glanced again at Kid.

At the very end of the corridor hung a portrait of a very fat woman in a pink dress.

"Password?" she asked.

"Caput Draconis," said Percy. The portrait swung open, revealing a hole in the wall.

The hole led to the Gryffindor common room, a cozy affair with squishy armchairs. Again, the room was much too small. Maka wondered how all the first through seventh years students could breathe in here simultaneously, never mind actually do stuff.

Kid was more concerned with the blatant lack of symmetry.

Percy directed the girls through one doorway to their dormitory and the boys through another. At the top of a spiral staircase - they were obviously in one of the towers - Kid found his bed at last. Five four-poster beds hung with deep-red velvet curtains crowded the room. At this point Kid was much too tired to measure the bed to check for symmetry.

"Great food, isn't it," Ron muttered to Kid through the hangings, not having noticed that Kid was on a hunger strike due to the lack of symmetry.

Kid fell asleep at once.

The symmetry of the bed, like everything else here, was probably off, causing Kid's strange dream...

_He was wearing Professor Quirrel's turban for no reason. The turban kept talking to him, telling him he must remain at Hogwarts because it was his destiny. Kid refused, saying it was too unsymmetrical. Then the turban got heavier. Kid contemplated shooting it, but realized that was a bad idea for obvious reasons._

_Suddenly he was in a city street with the Draco boy from Slytherin. He was saying something about the old wizarding families, and that Kid with his lineage to Death obviously belonged to Slytherin. Kid didn't hear him because the street kept twisting and turning - not symmetrical at all!_

_Suddenly Snape, the hook-nosed teacher, began to follow him through the street. He kept saying things like "I want to study you," sounding suspiciously like Dr. Stein in the process._

_There was a bright flash of green light, a cold, loud laugh, _and Kid awoke in a sweat.

"Stupid street," he muttered, "so unsymmetrical," before falling asleep again. When he woke up the next day he didn't remember the dream at all.

* * *

><p>Peeves, as promised, was tormenting the Hufflepuffs. This time he tried to throw a chair at them.<p>

Black Star sent his soul wavelength through Peeves, causing the Poltergeist to seriously consider a career change.

The rest of the journey was rather uneventful. When they did eventually get to the common room, the other Hufflepuff boys unanimously let Black Star pick the first bed. He smuggled Tsubaki in katana mode in, and carved star insignias all over the bed.

It might have been the hunger strike - or possibly the groans of the long-neglected gnome stuck in his trunk - but Black Star also had a weird dream that night...

_He was a fat white cat falling through the sky. Suddenly he activated a jetpack and started to fly around. Then he met a contempt snake who told him he should attend Slytherin, as it was his destiny._

_"^* yeah it is," muttered Black Star. "All I really wanted to do was kick Draco's *& all day in the *&^(* common room."_

_And there was Malfoy, who ran away from him in fear - then Malfoy turned into Snape, yelling at him for something involving an airborne cauldron. Suddenly there was a bright green flash - no wait, that was just a giant plant walking by._

He woke up in the middle of the night, more than a little confused. He fell back asleep, dreaming about becoming Halley's Comet for the rest of the night.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile the Slytherins marched along the dungeons in search of their common room. They did not encounter Peeves, who never went down here in fear of the Bloody Baron and his tales of encountering various vampire objects.<p>

"This is cool," muttered Soul, "in one sense of the word."

"It's cold down here. I can't deal with that," moaned Crona. "Lady Medusa always buys me clothes that are much too thin..."

The common room password was "Pure blood", which admittedly wasn't very creative, and made it rather easy to infiltrate by investigating second-years.

Finally they reached the boys' dormitory - which was one bed short.

The Slytherins realized what this meant.

"Who wants to get close and personal?" smiled Soul evilly. "What about you, Malfoy? Your bodyguards and you could use some bonding time."

"I am not sleeping with Crabbe and Goyle!" declared Malfoy loudly.

The other random Slytherin first years nodded in agreement.

Soul and Crona stared at each other, wide-eyed.

"Oh, &)(*(," muttered Soul.

He quickly learned that it's not wise to share a bed with someone who almost killed you, especially if that same person is susceptible to nightmares.

Long and short of it was, it was a looong night for Soul.

* * *

><p>By some miracle, Soul <em>didn't <em>have a strange dream. Or, at least, when he woke up he didn't remember one...partly because the other Slytherins saw fit to comment on their new...relationship.

Crona was just confused. Medusa never did tell him much about loving relationships.

_Next time: Tricky lessons and getting lost! This school is too &*^( big!_


	20. Kid's First Week Of School!

**Kid's First Week Of School!  
><strong>

"There, look."

"Where?"

"Next to the tall kid with red hair."

"And the girl with pigtails?"

"Do you see his hair?"

"With those white stripes?"

"WOULD YOU QUIT RUBBING IT IN ALREADY?"

Whispers followed Death the Kid from the moment he left his dormitory. People queuing outside of classrooms stood on tiptoe to see him, or doubled back to pass him in the corridors again, staring. His status as a transfer student, coupled with his shooting of both the hat and Peeves, would have gathered attention enough. Yet, there seemed to be something more to all of those glances...

All the constant stares only led Kid to be reminded of the asymmetry of his stripes. Often he was moved to shout "WHY?" on random occasions.

On top of all that, the DWMA had to find their classes. None of them had a particularly good sense of direction, so this proved a challenge.

There were also stairs. Lots of stairs. Clearly the Hogwarts architect had neglected to accommodate for paraplegic wizards.

The ghosts weren't much help, either. The Gengar tended to stick out of the floors and walls to scare people at random times. The Fat Friar would soon follow in hot pursuit. Liz didn't enjoy this at all.

Fortunately Nearly Headless Nick was willing to point out the Gryffindors in the right direction. Peeves also kept well out of the way of the DWMA students, finding less violent students to torment.

Unfortunately they still had to contend with Argus Filch and Mrs Norris. Maka, Liz, Patty, and Ron all got on his bad side on their very first day. (Kid, meanwhile, felt ill from the asymmetry and had left for the bathroom). He caught them trying to force their way through a door, which unluckily turned out to be the entrance to the out-of-bounds third floor corridor. He didn't believe they were lost, and threatened to lock them in the dungeons when they were rescued by Quirrel, who happened to be walking by...with a gun. _Um, I wonder why..._

* * *

><p>Kid sighed as he kneeled over the bathroom rubbish bin. The supplies, his hair, the very walls - so unsymmetrical! Who would do such a thing, to stick him in this torture chamber?<p>

Suddenly the mirror started...ringing?

"Hello, hello hello!" said Lord Death cheerfully. "Are you enjoying yourself here? I thought it would be healthy for you to stay in new surroundings for a change, and learn coping strategies for unsymmetrical things. Is that working out for you?"

"It was you," Kid glowered.

"I even paid for your supplies for you! Picked them out myself! I'm sure you got used to them over time -"

In his rage, Kid smashed-kicked the mirror.

* * *

><p>And then, once you found them, there were the lessons themselves. Apparently there was a lot more to magic than waving a wand and saying a few words.<p>

With their epic telescopes they looked at the night skies every Wednesday at midnight to study the movements of planets. Three times a week they went to Herbology, where they learned about plants. This is really only important in the second book, so unless you like plants, we'll move on.

Easily the most boring lesson was History of Magic, which was the only class taught by a ghost. Liz was freaked out by this, and was incapable of learning anything. For everyone else, it was oddly reminiscent of Excalibur's five-hour storytelling party.

* * *

><p>As it turns out, the Hufflepuff class proved a more...interesting one.<p>

Black Star had fallen asleep. Tsubaki anxiously poked him with her wand. This did cause Black Star to awaken, but it was a much better idea to have left the metaphorical sleeping tiger alone.

"In 1492, Philip the Pointy-" Professor Binns droned on as usual.

To Black Star's even murkier than usual, just-awoken mind, he perceived the ghost as an invasion from Arachnophobia. "Stand back!" he called to the other Hufflepuffs. "I'm the only big enough star to handle this guy!"

Having had the convenience to test the attack on Peeves, Black Star shot Professor Binns with his soul wavelength.

"Shocking," said Professor Binns before passing on to the afterlife.

* * *

><p>Professor Flitwick, the Charms teacher, was a tiny old wizard who had to stand on a stack of books to see over his desk. At the start of the first lesson he took the register, and fell off his stack when he read Kid's name.<p>

Transfiguration was...different. Taught by Professor McGonagall, she warned them beforehand that it was quite dangerous magic if applied incorrectly, like most everything else in life.

The class had to take many notes, then somehow turn a matchstick into a needle. In the end only Hermione made any difference to hers.

The class everyone had been looking forward to was Defence Against the Dark Arts, which was kind of a letdown due to the inferiority complex of Professor Quirrel. In the back of the classroom was the same gun as before, slashed. [Fluffy 1, Voldemort 0]

Friday was an important day for Maka, Liz, and Patty. They were able to get down to the Great Hall without getting lost once. Kid, unfortunately, still had unsymmetrical reactions on the way down.

"What have we got today?" Maka cheerfully asked Ron as the latter poured a bowl of cereal. Ron had quickly become one of their acquaintances, a reliable source of information about the wizarding world. He didn't seem to know anything about their true identities as weapons and meisters...yet.

"Double Potions with the Slytherins," said Ron. "Snape's head of Slytherin house. They say he always favours them - we'll be able to find out firsthand."

"I guess." In a way, Maka was actually looking forward to the lesson.

_At least we'll get to see Soul and Crona again..._

* * *

><p>Farther down the Gryffindor table, Kid was the recipient of some owl post – three letters. After an initial panic attack over these asymmetrical things dive-bombing him, Kid finally noticed that the gray owl with strange black, moon-shaped markings stayed with him, apparently expecting a reply.<p>

He forced himself to temporarily forget the repulsive, unsymmetric Hogwarts insignia, and the owls haphazardly dropping letters all around him, and open the first letter.

_Hiya, son,_

_We seem to have broken up after our last conversation. I just want to check that everything is okay. Are you enjoying the school so far?_

_Lord Death_

Kid restrained himself from writing a reply fraught with expletives. Instead he wrote that everything was working out famously, and that the other students seemed quite friendly and agreeable.

Next he opened the second letter.

_We get the afternoon off, so I was thinking we_ _should sneak off somewhere isolated and develop a plan. Meet me and Crona in the Entrance Hall at 3 o'clock. Be discreet. Pass on the message to the others if you can._

_Soul_

Passing on the message to the other Gryffindors would not be much of an issue. Contacting Black Star and Tsubaki, on the other hand, could pose a challenge…

Fortunately he was saved by the third letter:

_This school is freaking AWESOME!_

_It's only the first week and I killed off one etacher! He was a ghost too! I _must_ be the superior meister at this point!_

_Have the guts to prove me wrong? Send me a challenge back with Moon, this totally epic school owl!  
><em>

The rest appeared to be legal fine print about what would happen in the event Kid was murdered. Ignoring that, Kid quickly wrote a reply.

_Much as I would like to prove you direly wrong, we have more important matters…_

He quickly summarized Soul's letter, then passed it off to the waiting owl – Moon, apparently.

* * *

><p>True, the potions class would be a reunification of sorts for most of the DWMA students. And there was the 'official' meeting to look forward to.<p>

In all other aspects, it was…interesting. And not in a good way.

Kid had the feeling during the start-of-term banquet that Snape was…interested in him. At the end of Potions Kid realized Snape wasn't interested in him – he was an outright stalker!

Potions class was in one of the dungeons, which was cold, as usual. Crona found it quite hard to deal with the cold (again) without the additon of the miscellaneous pickled animal remains dispersed in jars around the room.

Snape, like Flitwick, took a register at the start of class. When he got to Kid's name he paused.

"Ah yes," he said softly, "Death the Kid. Our new…celebrity."

"And victim," Kid added mentally, as Snape began to encroach upon his personal space. This only showed off the asymmetry of Snape's nose, which made Kid feel nauseated.

"I am Snape, the potions master," declared Snape unnecessarily. "You are here to learn the subtle science and exact art of potion making. As there is little foolish wand-making here, many of you will hardly believe this is magic. I don't expect you will really understand the beauty of the softly simmering cauldron with its shimmering fumes, the delicate power of liquids that creep," he paused here for some reason, "through human veins, bewitching the mind, ensnaring the senses…"

For someone who didn't want the job, he was _awfully_ passionate about potions.

"I can teach you how to bottle fame, brew glory, even stopper death – if you aren't as big a bunch of dunderheads as I usually have to teach."

More silence followed this little speech. Soul and Crona glanced at each other, the latter shaking more than usual.

House biases, no magic background and all, Maka was eager to prove she wasn't a dunderhead.

Liz and Patty exchanged determined glances. They weren't about to be insulted by a man with zero sense of hair hygiene!

Kid was still shaken by Snape's asymmetrical nose.

"Death!" Snape said suddenly. Everyone stared at him in horror, afraid he was about to start another random speech.

Belatedly Snape realized the hassles of an…interesting name. "Death the Kid!" he corrected. "What would I get if I added powdered root of asphodel to an infusion of wormwood?"

Soul just gaped at that sentence. Not being gifted with the power of words, he was lost at "Powdered root." Did Snape really expect students to start memorizing their textbooks? Especially on short notice? He supposed that Maka could do it…if she wasn't so busy with ridding the world of supernatural evil and all.

If Snape expected them all to be child prodigies, or at least the discriminated Gryffindors, no wonder he ended up with 'dunderheads' every year.

"Hmm," mused Kid, returning to the original question. "I don't know…maybe…The Draught of Living Death? What an interesting question…particularly because I was inflicted by it. Because of you." He gave Snape an accusing glare.

The class gasped in astonishment, except for Liz and Patty, who were the ones who told Kid about it in the first place.

"That's…that's…" Snape stuttered like Quirrel, clearly caught off-guard. "Ha! It was Hagrid that injected you with the syringe!"

"That doesn't change the fact that YOU watched me while I was UNCONSCIOUS!"

The entire class watched the drama unfold in front of them. Maka, not wanting to be one to break up the argument, dictated everything for future reference. (Soul Eater is not technologically advanced enough to have recording devices, and the scientists are too mad to invent them…plus, technology doesn't even work in Hogwarts in the FIRST PLACE!)

* * *

><p>After an argument, the class somehow got back on track.<p>

"One point will be taken from Gryffindor for arguing with the teacher, Death the Kid," drawled Snape. "I could remove more points for various other violations, such as implying I subdue students on a regular basis, so consider yourself lucky."

Then came…actually making the Potion, with Snape randomly pairing up the students.

Soul and Crona were paired together. "Wouldn't want to split the happy couple," he murmured, patting them both lightly on the head.

Hermione and Maka were together, and were able to create the potion quite efficiently.

For some reason Kid was paired with Ron. The first step involved putting in "a pound of dried nettles"; Ron grabbed a handful and dumped them in while Kid took out the nettles one at a time and placed them on a scale.

Snape watched Kid perform this important task. "Ordinarily I'd chastise you for sloppiness, but you're measuring the nettles so precisely…for 30 minutes on end."

It went on like this, with Snape criticizing almost everyone except for Kid (who was escaping criticism for the wrong reasons), Draco (who he seemed to like), and Soul and Crona (who he seemed to like…in more ways than one).

However, Liz and Patty's potion was in a whole other league of _interesting_. Clearly they had blatantly disregarded the instructions as everyone else's potions had dark green bubbling liquid which gave off black gas; theirs was a smooth viscous pink liquid giving off white, flower-shaped puffs of smoke that smelled like lavender.

Snape strode over from the other side of the classroom specifically to criticize the offending potion. He started out the lecture with, "Now, _what_ have you fine ladiesdone?"

"It's a shampoo," Liz remarked casually.

"For your hair!" finished Patty unnecessarily. "We'll give it to you as a present!"

The retort on Snape's lips vanished entirely as he fought the urge to regurgitate. Luckily he found a suitable distraction.

"Ah," he commented a bit too loudly, "look how well Malfoy stirs in his slugs."

He was interrupted by a sudden chaotic scene. Neville had somehow managed to melt Seamus's cauldron into a twisted blob, and the resulting potion seeped onto the dungeon floor, burning holes in people's shoes in the process.

"¿_Que pasa_?" croaked Trevor the Toad obliviously.

"That's a fail shampoo," Patty commented.

Snape, about to yell at Neville and saddle the blame on Kid, bolted from the classroom at the 'Shampoo'.

"Class is dismissed," Snape declared while making his leave.

_Next time:__ Dramatic flashback! A second disatrous Potions class!  
><em>


	21. Why Snape Does Not Have Children

**Why Snape Does Not Have Children  
><strong>

Author's Note: Okay, OXYCODONEFROG:

1) About that last part, I'm not even going to go there. For one thing, I'd have to change the rating...

2) Completely unintentional mistake. I made sure to copy and paste your name so I got it right this time.

3) I'm not sure whether to be amused or disturbed by this. I mean, are they chicken nuggets made out of Crona? (Sorry for that mental image.)

4) Breaking a mirror is seven years of bad luck. A full Hogwarts education lasts seven years. Hmm...

Kid (upon making the connection): "Seven more years in this wretched place? The asymmetry will wound me! GAAH! WHAT HAVE I DONE?"

* * *

><p>Snape ran into his supply closet, chanting a spell to ensure the door was sealed. He mused upon his fascinating day.<p>

Granted, the Gryffindor-Slytherin class had not gone as planned. But his fascinatingly awful week had begun long before that. It had begun earlier that week, on Wednesday afternoon...

_He was teaching the first year Hufflepuffs, certainly the lieutenants and generals of the dunderhead army he had to teach the subtle art of potion-making each year._

_He started out by calling out the register. His eyebrows raised when he reached one of the names._

_"Black Star," he called out._

_"Here, you unworthy **&," retorted a blue-haired boy.  
><em>

_"I am Snape, the potions master," Snape once again recited his speech. Soon he got to the part about no wands in potions-making._

_"All right!" Black Star suddenly shouted. "Finally, no actual spell-casting experience required!"_

_Some of the other Hufflepuffs stared at him quizzically.  
><em>

_"That comment only shows how blind you are to the art of potion-making-"_

_"Shut up! This is my time to shine!" Black Star shouted with Tsubaki trying to restrain him._

_"-Even stopper death-"_

_"Ha, I've been at Death's door more times than I can count!" The countless times he and Tsubaki were called to the Death Room to provide reports and be sent on missions, plus one for breaking into Death Manor…and of course, any time he opened the door to his and Tsubaki's house in Death City. And entered the other houses and stores in Death City._

_"-If you aren't as big a bunch of dunderheads as I usually teach."_

_"Don't worry! I'll be your biggest dunderhead ever and make it up to you!"_

_Ignoring this warped display of logic, Snape began his probing of Black Star's potion-making knowledge...or lack thereof.  
><em>

_"Star! What would I get if I added powdered root of asphodel to an infusion of wormwood?"_

_Black Star and Tsubaki's hands shot into the air. "I don't know!" the former yelled gleefully._

_"Let's try again. Star, where would you look if I told you to find me a bezoar?"_

_"Inside…YOUR MIND."_

_"And if it wasn't there…?"_

_"I don't know, either!"_

_"Thought you wouldn't open a book before arriving, eh, Star?"_

_"Nope. I thought I'd never open one all year!"_

_Tsubaki sighed in exasperation. It was times like this she wondered why she was stuck with someone like him for a meister._

_"What is the difference, Star, between monkshood and wolfsbane?"_

_"I don't know! My partner Tsubaki might, though, since she actually read the #$#$ book. A big star like myself doesn't need books. Unless they're about battle strategy. Or the Star clan. That's pretty epic. But soon, all the books in the world will be all about me and how I'm the biggest star ever!"_

_His answer was rather fascinating, but nowhere near correct or on topic. Snape cleared his throat. "For your information, Star-"_

_"Don't want it." Black Star tuned out the conversation._

_"Black Star does have a rash quality to him," Tsubaki mused to herself. "Of charging impulsively into action and saying things bluntly. It forms a sharp contrast to my quieter, passive personality. I suppose that is why we work so well together, I just let him take control of the fight…except it is nowhere near appropriate in a classroom setting."_

_She took this as her cue and slammed her hand over her partner's mouth before he began another of his expletive-filled rants._

_"That's enough, Black Star," she said firmly. "Don't get us into more trouble than it's worth."_

_Was it her imagination, or did he blush slightly?_

_"-Will save you from many poisons," Snape was deep into his lecture, "not counting your mind-numbing stupidity."_

_It went on like this until Snape concluded with, "Well? Why aren't you copying this down?"_

_A flurry of parchment and quills came out. Tsubaki wrote notes on how complementary traits are key to a weapon-meister partnership, plus matching soul wavelengths. Black Star wrote, "Snape is a B*****," and it just got worse from there. Both were fascinating examples of what REALLY happens during a teacher lecture._

_Next was the creation of a simple portion. By some miracle Black Star and Tsubaki were paired together. All other partnerships would have likely caused half the class to suffer death and/or serious injuries. Regardless, it quickly became self-evident that Black Star was the most careless potion maker alive. He scanned the list, tossing in ingredients at random while Tsubaki watched in horror._

_"Nettles, check. Slugs, check. Horns, check."_

_"I think the horns were supposed to be on the slugs…" Tsubaki managed to whimper._

_"Oh, really-hey cool, snake fangs!" He dropped them in, forgetting to powder them first._

_At once, the cauldron started to levitate, its contents viciously boiling._

_Hannah Abbott was stunned by her reappearance in the story, only to gasp in horror at the floating cauldron._

_"Do you think we should…" Black Star trailed off._

_"Duck? Yes…my incredibly short-sighted partner," Tsubaki muttered the last part under her breath._

_Suddenly the cauldron began to rocket around the room like a drunken toad driving a space shuttle. If toads were physically capable of getting drunk and driving space shuttles._

_"What insolence-" muttered Snape. The shuttle rammed point blank into his face._

_"Stars…but I don't teach Astronomy," he murmured before fainting._

_"Yahoo!" cried Black Star._

_None of the Hufflepuffs went near Snape, partly because they were scared on Snape waking up and yelling at them, and partly because none of them wanted to help the despicable Potions teacher in the first place._

_"Maybe we should leave to find help," suggested Tsubaki. "Or just leave, period."_

_"You go right ahead," said Black Star. "I'll stay until he wakes up. Then brag what a big star I am for knocking him out!"_

_The other Hufflepuffs let him stay for his doom and wasted no time in vacating the classroom. Tsubaki tried to reason with her partner, but she too left._

In the end, Snape only ended up docking 30 points for the fiasco. He had briefly considered assigning a detention, but realized he didn't want to spend any more time with the psychotic child.

The concussion had done a number on Snape. Only a headache relief potion had gotten him through the week...

_Next time: The great DWMA meeting! Kid's radical plan!  
><em>

* * *

><p>Author's Note: Due to Mr. Binn's - well, to put it frankly - expiration, it would appear a new History of Magic professor is direly needed. This calls for a...<p>

**~*Death the Kid and the Asymmetrical Stone Late Show!*~**

Soul walked into the History of Magic classroom, not entirely sure what to expect. Rumour had it that in a previous Hufflepuff class a blue streak came out of nowhere and charged Mr Binns - and the next thing they knew the ghost had vanished!

Soul strongly suspected Black Star was involved. Either way, a new teacher had to be found. He continued to walk into the classroom, about to take a seat at a desk…

And groaned audibly.

The new teacher was also white like a ghost. He was decked out in 12th century attire, with the exception of pants, which were mysteriously absent. His tall hat threatened to pierce the heavens, while his nose threatened to skewer front row Slytherins. He also curiously lacked a mouth.

Oh, did I mention he wasn't human?

"Fool!" proclaimed Excalibur. "How dare you make yourself tardy for the premiere of Excalibur's Great Moments in Magical History Weekly Presentation!"

Soul shrugged and took a seat in the back, next to Crona. Malfoy, in the front and in danger of being stabbed by Excalibur's nose, rose from his seat.

"This should be interesting," Soul remarked.

"You may as well go packing," drawled Malfoy, "because once I tell my father how incredibly lame you are, you'll have no chance of teaching at this school. And I do believe it's against school policy not be fully clothed."

"Fool!" proclaimed Excalibur, jabbing his cane at Malfoy's face. "I am the legendary sword Excalibur! I only move when I want to. And, I do believe weapons are exempted from school policy - otherwise your wands would be wearing little jumpers and such. Finally, I doubt that your father can have more authority than a legendary, all-powerful sword - unless he is Death, and I already met his son. He was a fool too."

Malfoy, defeated, slunk back to his seat and scowled.

"Now are there any more interruptions?"

There were none, but that might be because everyone else was distracted by his tall hat.

"Good. Now, before I begin Excalibur's Great Moments in Magical History Weekly Presentation, there are one thousand provisions you must meet while in the classroom. We shall begin with provision Number Eight Hundred and Fifty-Three: three of you must play the trumpet, while four of you wave your fingers like this, while another sings an opera, while standing up on an albino goat … whenever I eat a banana. Mind you, bananas are my fourth favourite food, behind 1948 pinot noir, medium-rare steak and caviar. Well, why aren't you copying this down?"

"...Wine isn't a food," Crona commented.

"Fool! The boundary between food and drink is evaporated in the presence of Excalibur!"

And so on.

* * *

><p>Soon it became the Gryffindors's turn to be exposed to the madnessof Excalibur and his one thousand provisions.<p>

"Provision Number Ninety-Six: Always rewind the VCR tapes or all horror will break loose."

The sword shuddered, going into a flashback...

_"Oh, Excalibur…" crooned the beautiful woman._

_Treating his latest conquest to dinner at a riverside café in Venice … oh, it was heaven on earth._

_A sudden chill coursed through Excalibur's body. No, was… IT here? _

_In the river a rectangular object floated by … _

_No … not that … anything but that! _

_The sun laughed spitefullly with malicious joy as its rays glinted off the metallic object, revealing it to be…_

_A fridge._

_"NOOOOOOO!" _

"It was a rough time in my life," said Excalibur mournfully. "Which is why you must rewind the tapes."

"A fridge?" mused Kid.

"Like this?" wondered Ron, pulling out a mini fridge. "George gave me this - after miniaturizing it with a spell - as an apology for the turn-yellow spell not working. Apparently I can't deal with the awesomeness of a mini toilet -

"Fridge!" exclaimed Excalibur in terror. "You … little … fool…" He passed out from fright.

Liz and Patty got up to poke the strange thing with their wands.

"He's out cold," remarked Liz.

"Just leave him," muttered Maka.


	22. Oh Look, A Kitchen Invasion

**Oh Look, A Kitchen Invasion  
><strong>

"...You're all late," Soul remarked darkly.

"I put Black Star in time-out," Tsubaki replied, "for attacking a teacher. The school did not provide sufficient punishment, so I am taking away his free time for a month."

"With all of the studying I think I'm actually learning stuff," Black Star moaned. "It's horrible…"

"You've survived worse," Soul muttered unsympathetically. He turned to Kid and the Thompson sisters. "So what's your excuse?"

"What do you think?" groaned Liz, rolling her eyes for effect. "Asymmetric reactions."

"All these suits of armour...so haphazardly arranged..." whimpered Kid.

Soul turned to Maka. "So what's YOUR excuse?"

"Ron was angry that Hermione and I were already studying 15 minutes into the weekend," explained Maka. "So, I came here early to finish studying in peace. We don't want to fall behind, after all."

Soul rolled his eyes at this.

"Now that we're all here, we should find someplace more private," noted Maka.

The other students nodded in agreement.

* * *

><p>This private spot turned out to be next to a portrait of … a fruit bowl. Hmm. Nothing suspicious there.<p>

"The first order of the totally unofficial DWMA students in Hogwarts club," declared Maka, the self-appointed leader, "is to discuss this newspaper article." She plunked down a copy of the Daily Prophet.

"Dancing Piranha featured on Muggle viral video site? Who cares?" muttered Black Star.

"I think it's cool," commented Soul.

"Not that!" sighed Maka. "The big bold headline!"

_**GRINGOTTS BREAK IN LATEST**_

_Investigations continue into the break in at Gringotts on 22 July, widely believed to be the work of Dark witches or wizards unknown. This may or may not include Lord He-Who-Shall-Not- Be-Named-Or-Written-Because-We-Don't-Know-How-To-Spell-His-Name-And-This-Name-Has-Too-Many-Hyphens-Already. _

_Gringotts' goblins today insisted that nothing had been taken, even though there are THOUSANDS of vaults to check first. However, one of the vaults confirmed to be searched was in fact emptied the same day, except for the invisible jewels in the corner.  
><em>

_"But we're not telling you what was supposed to be there in the first place, so keep your noses out if you know what's good for you," said a Gringotts' spokes goblin this afternoon. "However," he added, "other body parts, other than the inappropriate ones, are welcome."_

"I think they broke into my vault!" exclaimed Black Star.

"Umm," said Tsubaki intelligently, "we didn't empty out the vault that day. And last I checked, it didn't have invisible jewels..."

"Whatever it is," said Crona, "in the vault, I mean - it had be valuable. Or dangerous. I certainly couldn't deal with breaking in to steal something."

Suddenly Kid spoke up. "I have decided … it is not right for me at this school."

"Read: too asymmetrical," Patty added.

"Therefore, I decided … next Thursday, on September 9th, I'm leaving."

The other students gasped.

Tsubaki was the first to reply. "He's right, in a way. We don't belong here," she admitted. "I suppose it's for the best."

"We're going with you," Liz and Patty declared. "You need us."

"True," Kid acknowledged solemnly, thinking of their symmetry. In gun form, of course.

"Don't forget our original mission was to find Kid," Maka continued. "There's no reason for us to stay here any longer."

"I second that," said Soul. "Plus, the Slytherins are getting on my nerves, waht with the &**)((& fanbase and all."

"I don't belong with the Slytherins either," Crona remarked. "Even bunnies don't understand my feelings, so how could they?"

Tsubaki simply nodded in agreement.

"Can't I stay to beat people up?" Black Star pleaded.

"Denied," replied the other students unanimously.

"It's decided then," Soul yawned, stretching out his arms. His left hand struck the pear. "Next time we'll make a plan. All I need now is a nice nap -"

The portrait swung open and Soul fell through!

"SOUL!" Maka cried out, fearing the worst.

"**( hidden doorway," Soul muttered darkly. "Hey look, food."

Deeming it safe, the DWMA students stepped through the portrait. They found themselves in the school kitchens. Short, goblin-esque creatures ran around carrying plates of food.

"Hey," said a voice.

"Uh oh," said Patty.

It was Fred and George! Or George and Fred. Like they could tell the difference.

"Found a passage in your first week here?" Fred smiled. "Took George and me three months."

"'Course, back then we didn't know what to look for."

"Really," smiled Tsubaki, "That's nice. But we were just … leaving?"

"Oh, really?" Fred cocked an eyebrow. Tsubaki was afraid he'd called their bluff.

"That's too bad," added George. "we'd treat you to Butterbeers."

The DWMA students made their leave.

_Next time: Flying lessons! An impeding sense of doom!  
><em>

* * *

><p>Author's Note: First a surprise appearance by everyone's favorite *cough* legendary sword, and now an Ouran High School Host ClubSoul Eater/Harry Potter crossover? Anything can happen in the...

**~*Death the Kid and the Asymmetrical Stone Late Show!*~**

Black Star and Tsubaki stepped inside the History of Magic classroom with caution. Rumour had it that a Gryffindor had reflected a concentrated beam of light on Excalibur via a fridge, causing the sword to melt. Tsubaki suspected that three quarters of that story was made up.

"Then again," she reasoned, "maybe one of us snapped and managed to bump off the sword with a stroke of luck…"

She could muse no further as her meister pulled her towards a seat in the back.

A teenager - maybe five years older than Tsubaki - stood at the front of the classroom. He was, in her humble opinion, quite dashing, with blond hair and purple eyes. He was also wearing a white tuxedo. Oddly enough, there was a dining table set up in the front of the classroom. It was set up for a tea party, complete with placemats, cushions on the seats, and a bouquet of roses.

"Good morning," the teenager gushed mushily. "I am your host - erm, new teacher - Tamaki Suoh."

Most of the female population shouted and cheered. Black Star, not mature enough to comprehend romance, gagged.

"Ordinarily I have classes at Ouran High, but 'apparently' my marks have fallen low as of late. Thus I took on community service to gain bonus marks which includes teaching you fine ladies. However, I am rather dismayed at your lack of consideration for posture." Here Tamaki glared at Black Star, who was lying face up across his desk, as if he was on a bed. Unfortunately Black Star had fallen asleep by this point.

"Anyway, I have taken it as my duty to educate you about correct posture technique. May I have a volunteer to demonstrate?"

Female hands shot into the air, including Tsubaki's.

So that was how History of Magic proceeded: Tamaki would show them fine etiquette and occasionally flirt with the students, to the delight of the female students. The male students, meanwhile, found themselves longing for Excalibur and his sleep-inducing classes.

* * *

><p>A few days later, Tamaki added something … personal to his classes. The lucky recipients were the Slytherins, it turned out. Despite his being a Muggle, even the Slytherin girls fell for his overflowing charisma. The boys, meanwhile, were too bored to insult his heritage.<p>

"You might ask yourselves," Tamaki began his speech after a cutlery demonstration, "Why I, of the priviledged upper class, has nevertheless come to educate lesser-able students like you."

Soul scoffed that he could call witches and wizards from various backgrounds - some very well off, like Malfoy - 'lesser-able'.

"The truth is … I feel it is my duty. For I am drawn by the power of love to a commoner!" How this followed was anyone's guess. "Oh Haruhi … a sweeter soul you could not find! And I, her loyal guardian, will one day ask her hand in marriage! Just as I will help you all achieve greatness, our love will soar beyond all odds, and we'll live happily ever after!"

"No you won't," commented a small voice.

Tamaki, jerked out of his fantasy, whirled around. "Hmm?"

"Lady Medusa said there's no such thing as true love," Crona murmured quietly. "Just as Romeo and Juliet were doomed to die, so will love be crushed by a greater destiny."

"No," whimered Tamaki softly, pulling out his homemade Haruhi doll, "that cannot be true -"

Suddenly the door slammed open. There stood two identical twins with flaming red hair.

Their arrival seemed to jerk the Slytherins back into pureblood bigot mode.

"Come here to beg for money from the rich boy?" Malfoy drawled. Various insults along that line rained down on the twins.

Once the stream died down one of the twins spoke. "You should be the ones begging from _us_," he commented.

"Not that the Hitachiin family would ever help _ungrateful_ brats like you," countered the other twin. He turned to face his twin. "What do you think, Kaoru? Should we have our police force arrest them for their insolence?"

"No, my dear Hikaru, I am quite enjoying the pathetic looks on their faces."

"Arrest us?" moaned Crona. "I can't deal with that."

The twins turned back to face the Slytherins. "However, we are considering letting all of you go spot-free for your rudeness if you'll only win our little game. Would you like to try?"

The entire class nodded in agreement, basically following what Draco was doing.

"All right, then, it's time for the … Which one is Hikaru Game?" both twins exclaimed simultaneously.

"That one," said Malfoy, pointing to the one on the left. Everyone else pointed with him, except for Soul and Crona (who pointed to the right twin) and Tamaki (who had long since slunk off to the emo corner, as everyone else was ignored him).

"Nope," smiled the twins, "you are incorrect. The one on the right is Hikaru!"

The Slytherins groaned.

"Don't be sad," smirked Kaoru.

"We wouldn't have forgiven you anyway," added Hikaru.

The twins turned to each other. "But wait … wasn't there a reason we flew the family jet to Hogwarts, conveniently ignoring several plotholes? Oh, that's right," they said, turning to Tamaki, "we wanted to talk to you."

Tamaki shuffled around to face them. "What do you want?" he moped.

"While you were stuck teaching the ungrateful brats as community service," Hikaru bragged, "we got to rebuild a house for an underprivileged family."

"Naturally, we selected Haruhi to help."

"She claimed the house was just fine the way it was, and the building crew we hired agreed…"

"But, to repay for our trouble," Kaoru grinned evilly, "her father offered to let us stay overnight. Care to JOIN US?"

"Y-you sneaky little rats!" Tamaki wailed. "There's no way me and Haruhi will enjoy any love time with you two around!"

"So is that a yes or a no?" Hikaru prompted.

Tamaki blasted off in despair.

"Looks like we won't be seeing him again…" Soul sweatdropped.


	23. I Believe I Can Fly  On A Broomstick!

**I Believe I Can Fly - On A Broomstick!  
><strong>

Maka never imagined she would encounter a person more obnoxious and nerve-grating than Black Star, but that was before she met Draco Malfoy. Still, first year Gryffindors 'only' had double Potions with the Slytherins, so Malfoy was relatively easy to deal with.

Well, they couldn't let _that_ continue, could they?

A notice in the Gryffindor common room declared that flying lessons would begin on Thursday, and the Gryffindors and Slytherins would be learning together.

All, according to the notice, on broomsticks.

"The last lesson before my departure," groaned Kid, "and it's on a broom."

Liz and Patty were rather concerned about what was bothering Kid this time.

"What's wrong with brooms?" Ron asked, conveniently failing to comprehend the first part of that sentence.

"They're made of wood … and the grain is never symmetrical!"

There was an awkward pause.

"Plus, one fell on my head when I was small and left a very unsymmetrical bump. It was extremely traumatizing..."

"Um," said Ron intelligently, "if Malfoy's got you down, don't worry. He says he flies well, but I'm sure that's all talk."

Malfoy certainly did talk about flying a lot - about himself and his mad skillz [sic], of course. He would complain loudly about how, oops, first years never got on house teams and told elaborate stories that always seemed to end in him narrowly escaping Muggles in helicopters.

He even complained about the brooms. "First years aren't allowed their own, so we'll have to use the school's," Malfoy explained as the first years examined the notice in the Slytherin common room. "They'll probably be much too slow for your liking though, right, Soul?"

"Yeah," he mumbled in reply. Soul vaguely remembered something about punishing a slow broom…

He wasn't the only one. Seamus apparently spent much of his life zooming around the English countryside on a broom. Black Star got in the act too, saying he evaded a comet that was eclipsing the moon on a broom when he was only a baby; this was where his name came from, he claimed. A black sun and a falling star…

Everyone from wizarding families would talk about Quidditch constantly. Soul had more weird mental images of people playing croquet.

Back in the Gryffindor common room, Ron and Dean Thomas had a big argument over football. Ron did not see what was exciting about a sport that was often confused for one involving fat guys tackling one other over one ball, and no one could fly (on purpose, anyway.) Dean told him that only awesome people understood football, aka soccer.

Neville had never been on a broomstick in his life, because his grandmother never let him near one, and his parents were too insane to help him. This seemed good sense as Neville kept getting into an extraordinary amount of accidents on the ground … until you consider that this set him up for a major catastrophe when he did get on a broom.

Despite his successful escape plan, Crona was also extremely nervous about riding a broom. When he had the wits to talk, he mumbled something about brooms reminding him of Lady Medusa, and naturally he couldn't deal with that.

If it wasn't for Medusa, Maka would dismiss flying broomsticks as a logistical impossibility.

Flying wasn't something you could learn out of a book, so naturally Hermione was nervous. She had checked out Quidditch Through the Ages out of the library and was 'helping' the Gryffindors with flying tips at breakfast. Luckily she was interrupted by the post arriving.

Kid hadn't received a single letter since the three on Friday (the DWMA students had decided to meet outside the now-revealed kitchens at predetermined times, thus eliminating the need for post), something Malfoy had been quick to notice. Malfoy's eagle owl kept bringing him packages of sweets from home, which he gloatingly opened at the Slytherin table.

A barn owl brought Neville a small package from home. He opened it excitedly and revealed a clear ball roughly the size of a large marble, with while smoke inside.

"It's a Remembrall," he exclaimed. Then for the benefit of the audience and the Muggleborns he continued, "Gran knows I forget things - probably from brain damage as a child due to the aforementioned Doctor Octopus Syndrome. This tells you if there's something you've forgotten to do. Look, you hold it tight like this and if it turns red - oh…" His face fell, because the Remembrall glowed scarlet, "It means you've forgotten something."

As Neville struggled to remember what he'd forgotten, Draco Malfoy passed by the Gryffindor table and swiped the Remembrall.

Ron leapt to his feet. "Swiper no swiping!" he exclaimed.

Scowling, Malfoy dropped the Remembrall on the table. "Just looking," he muttered as he slunk away with Crabbe and Goyle.

* * *

><p>At three thirty that afternoon, Maka, Kid, Liz, Patty, Ron, and the other Gryffindors hurried down the front steps into the grounds for their first flying lesson. It was a clear day as the Gryffindors marched their way to a smooth field where the lesson in question would take place.<p>

The Slytherins were already there, as they were slightly less directionally-challenged than the Gryffindors. Twenty broomsticks were lying in neat piles on the ground.

Fred and George complained about the school brooms. They said some vibrated if you went too high, or leaned slightly towards the left. Kid found this most daunting of all. And yes, some of them were too slow.

Their teacher, Madame Hooch, arrived. She had short gray hair, yellow eyes like a hawk, and was about as useful as a plug-in tea kettle in a power outage.

"Well, what are you waiting for?" she barked. "Everyone stand by a broomstick. Come on, hurry up!"

Kid glanced down at 'his' broom. It was old and some of the twigs stuck out at odd angles. With his luck, the broom probably leaned slightly towards the left.

"Stick out your right hand over your broom," called Madame Hooch, discriminating against left-handed people, "and say 'Up'!"

Everyone began shamelessly promoting a certain Pixar film.

Kid's broom jumped into his hand at once, and so did Soul's. Theirs were the few that did. Maka's broom rolled around on the ground, and Neville and Crona's brooms didn't move at all. Perhaps brooms, like horses, could tell if you're afraid; there were quivers in Neville and Crona's voices that clearly stated their preference to remain on the ground.

Someone began loudly suggesting punishment for his broom involving Draco's anatomy. Kid turned to look; it was coming from a short, cloaked figure on the Slytherin side. Another cloaked student was trying to hush him.

Madam Hooch then showed them how to mount their brooms without slipping off the end, and walked up and down the rows correcting their grips. She told Malfoy he'd been doing it wrong for years, to the delight of Ron and other Gryffindor students.

She frowned when she got to Crona. After reluctantly mounting the broom, he was now riding it Medusa-style.

"Now, when I blow my whistle, you kick off from the ground, hard. Keep your brooms steady, rise a few feet and then come straight back down by leaning forwards slightly. On my whistle - three - two -"

Neville accidentally kicked off before her whistle.

"Screw this!" yelled the short figure and kicked off from the ground. Unfortunately he shot straight forward and managed to knock Neville to the ground. He was only two feet from the ground at this point, so it wasn't too hazardous by Neville standards.

"Yahoo!" cried the now-familiar-sounding figure, doing a U-turn and shooting into the sky. Wind at his face, the cloak blew off, revealing -

"Black Star!" screeched Maka. "What the $# are you doing?"

"Hufflepuffs only have lessons on Mondays!" Black Star shouted from the air. "Naturally that was too late!"

"Get down here, boy!" Madam Hooch called sternly. Black Star wasn't listening, flying was too much fun! Until…

He looked down. Bad idea. Black Star felt sick to his stomach as he belatedly remembered his fear of heights…

He was fine in the heat of battle, doing back-flips and such. But now, when not preoccupied defeating evil things, it came back to haunt him.

"AAAH!" he cried out as he suddenly slipped off his broom and fell towards the ground -

THUMP.

Black Star had somehow managed to land on Madam Hooch. The rambunctious child groaned a little bit before rising to his feet.

"Never again…" he moaned.

"Black Star," Tsubaki ran up to her partner, clearly angry. "What were you thinking? If Madam Hooch hadn't broken your fall, you could've been killed -"

"Speaking of which…" Soul pointed to Madam Hooch. "…She hasn't moved."

Pause.

"Is she okay?" Hermione wondered.

Crona stepped forward. "I'll take her to the hospital wing," he offered. He hadn't wanted to fly anyway. He tried to lift the unconscious teacher onto his shoulders, but that wasn't working due to his frailness. "Some help, please?"

Feeling a sudden rush of responsibility, Liz and Patty rushed to help him. They figured if Kid hadn't reacted to the asymmetry yet, he'd be okay.

As soon as the procession was out of sight, Malfoy picked up the Remembrall Neville had dropped in his fall. Despite the boy's crying he was quickly forgotten.

_"Está bien,"_ Trevor croaked encouragingly from Neville's pocket. _"Permaneceré al lado de su lado hasta finales del tiempo… o hasta mi amor más profundo Eruka vuelve. Cualquiera viene primero."_** (1)**

"Look!" Malfoy said while picking up the treasure. "It's that stupid thing Longbottom's gran sent him."

The Remembrall glinted in the sun as he picked it up.

"If you think it's so stupid," questioned Kid, "then why do you want it so badly?"

"Um," Malfoy blinked, "you know … I'll just leave it somewhere for Longbottom to collect - how about up a tree?"

Suddenly the Remembrall glowed red, as Malfoy had forgotten to brush his teeth that morning.

"Kishin soul," said Soul, mistaking the Remembrall for said soul.

"Give it back here," he called calmly. Malfoy had leapt onto a broomstick and taken off. Surprisingly, he could fly well. Soul grabbed a broom.

"No!" shouted Hermione. "Madam Hooch told us not to move - you'll get us all into trouble!"

"One, he already moved," said Soul, pointing to Malfoy. "Two, due to house rivalries I'm not inclined to listen to you anyway. Three, I want that Kishin Soul." With that he took off on the broom.

Soul rose up, the air rushing through his hair and robes, and in a rush of fierce joy he realized he'd found something he could do without being taught; this was easy; this was wonderful. He pulled his broomstick up a little to take it even -

Oh wait. Malfoy and the Kishin Soul came first.

"Give it here," Soul called, "or I'll knock you off that broom. And/or eat you."

"Oh, yeah?" said Malfoy, sneering but nevertheless paling at the thought of being eaten.

Soul knew, somehow, what to do.

"Soul … let me guide you … play the piano…"

"Occupied here," Soul mentally growled before charging Mafloy his broom. Malfoy got out of the way just in time; Soul made a sharp turn and held the broom steady. A few people below clapped - though not Maka, who looked decidedly mad.

"I thought you didn't play Quidditch!" Malfoy protested. In desperation, he chucked the Remembrall in the opposite direction. The glass ball soared high into the air and streaked back towards the ground.

Soul saw, as if in slow motion, the ball rise up into the air and fall towards the ground. He leaned forward and bent his broom handle down -

On the ground Kid admired how the sky had perfect symmetry. The clouds were perfectly arrayed, the sun mightily stood in the center -

But wait … that ball was clearly falling to the left of the sun!

"Nooo!" cried Kid, leaping onto a broom and taking off. That ball had to be stopped for its crime of offsetting symmetry!

Soul swooped in from the top while Kid came from the bottom - the wind whistled in their ears - they stretched out their hands - a foot from the ground Soul caught it -

In the next second Kid grabbed Soul grabbing the Remembrall, pulling Soul into an ascension in the process. However, Soul jerked his broom right, and both boys tumbled ungracefully onto the ground, hands clasped over the Remembrall.

"SOUL EATER! DEATH THE KID!"

_Next time: Escorted away by Professor McGonagall! Will they be punished?_

* * *

><p><strong>~*Death the Kid and the Asymmetrical Stone Late Show!*~<strong>

Death the Kid walked through the exact center of the classroom door, taking the exact center seat in the exact center row, as per usual. He sensed he would need the symmetry.

He was curious about what teacher they were getting this time. Rumour had it that two twins dissed the Slytherins before eradicating Tamaki by blasting him through the ceiling (apparently). It all sounded much too unsymmetrical for Kid's liking.

This time, at the front of the classroom stood a young man with jet-black hair and a blue military uniform. He also had white gloves with a mysterious red insignia on them.

"I am Colonel Roy Mustang, the Flame Alchemist," he introduced himself, "but if you wish you may call me Mr. Flammable. Why, do you ask? It might be better to show you." He pulled out a model of a peaceful-looking town. "You must bear with me for a moment. Now, today's class is all about the goblin rebellions in Northslowg county. As you may recall, goblins had been enslaved by the locals in the mines. Naturally the goblins preferred safeguarding metals to exhausting them, so they set fire to neighbouring villages… like this."

He snapped his fingers. Suddenly a small ember sprang forth and licked at the village model. It spread like wildfire … which it was. Soon the town was nothing but ash.

The class gasped in astonishment, but soon were applauding this creative use of 'magic'.

Mr. Mustang took out a fire extinguisher. "By the way," he said, "if you ever meet a boy by the name of Edward Elric … tell him I give him my best regards … and that his alchemy thesis is due."

And that was how Roy Mustang became the first interesting, long-term History of Magic teacher at Hogwarts.

* * *

><p><strong>(1) <strong>It is all right. I will remain by your side until the end of time...or until my deepest love Eruka returns. Whichever comes first.


	24. How Come Things Never Go As Planned?

**How Come Things Never Go As Planned?  
><strong>

Author's Note: Happy Valentine's Day, everybody!

* * *

><p>Professor McGonagall marched towards the mini dog pile that was Soul and Kid. They got to their feet, trembling.<p>

"Never in all my time at Hogwarts -"

"Excuse me, Professor?" Maka quickly interrupted. "Those are my friends. May I please go yell at them first?"

"It would be my pleasure," Professor McGonagall obeyed, stepped aside for Maka to reach the boys. She cleared her throat.

"WHAT THE %^^%& WERE YOU TWO THINKING?"

She then subsequently yelled various things along the lines of them nearly being killed, not listening to rules, and getting caught up in a trivial rivalry. She then hit each of them on the head with her book for good measure.

She was out of breath and then some by the time she finished her lecture.

"I think you've just about covered the lecture part of it," Professor McGonagall commented, "but just for good measure-" Once more the teacher yelled at Soul and Kid about breaking school rules and the possibility of death.

"Now, come along, both of you."

Soul managed to catch Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle's triumphant grins as they walked numbly in Professor McGonagall's footsteps, heading back up towards the castle.

Kid assumed they were getting expelled. After all, they _had_ been flying without teacher supervision, as Madam Hooch had been knocked out (though that particular bit was Black Star's fault).

Not that he minded. He was escaping the school anyway, so why not let the school do the groundwork for him?

Up the front steps, up the marble staircase, and still McGonagall had not said a word. Maybe she was taking them to Dumbledore. Kid suddenly thought of Hagrid, expelled but allowed to stay on at Hogwarts as groundskeeper. Maybe Kid would become his personal assistant.

Oh, the horror - all the _asymmetry!_

Professor McGonagall stopped outside of a classroom door. She opened the door and poked her head inside.

"Excuse me, Professor Flitwick, but could I borrow Flint and Wood for a minute?"

_Wood? _thought Soul, bewildered. Was Wood the pet name for a walking stick he was about to be hit with?

Kid was much more worried. He realized that:

1. Flint makes sparks.

2. Sparks ignite wood.

3. Ignited wood makes fire.

4. Fire burns people.

5. Repeat as necessary.

However, Wood and Flint turned out to be people.

"Follow me," commanded Professor McGonagall.

Maybe these newcomers were weapons, and could turn into flint and wood.

"In here."

Professor McGonagall pointed them into an empty classroom. Peeves was there, writing inappropriate things on the blackboard. Most of it paled next to Black Star.

At the sight of Kid, who had shot at him before, Peeves flew away.

Professor McGonagall turned to face the four boys.

"Kid, this is Oliver Wood. Soul, this is Marcus Flint. Wood, I've found you a Seeker. Flint, I've also found you a Seeker. Now, try not to kill each other."

Wood and Flint's expressions turned from ones of puzzlement to ones of delight - though Flint was still sorting a rather unsavoury scowl.

"Are you serious, Professor?" Wood asked.

"Absolutely," said Professor McGonagall. "The boy's a natural. I've never seen anything like it. Was that your first time on a broom?"

Kid nodded.

"Soul here caught that thing," oddly she didn't specify what exactly the thing was, "in a fifty-foot dive while Kid swooped in from below. Not a scratch on them. Until they tumbled down, at least. Charlie Weasley couldn't have done it, even if he was in two places at once."

Wood looked as if all of his dreams had come true.

"Ever seen a game of Quidditch?" he asked excitedly.

"Wood's captain of the Gryffindor team," McGonagall explained.

"They're just the build for Seekers," Wood continued, now walking around Soul and Kid and staring at them. "Light - speedy - we'll have to get them decent brooms - Nimbus Two Thousand or Cleansweep Seven, I'd say."

"Wait - why are you complimenting the opposition?" Soul interrupted.

Needless to say, the meeting was adjourned shortly after that. McGonagall concluded with a Medusa-esque lecture that if they didn't train hard, they would be punished.

* * *

><p>"This complicates things," Maka moaned at dinner.<p>

Kid had just finished telling Maka, Liz, and Patty about how he and Soul became 'Seekers' … whatever those were supposed to be.

"Not really," commented Liz. "He's been on the team for about two hours. They can find another one."

"But it's so unethical!" protested Patty. "You'll make Wood super emo if you leave now!"

"But...Quidditch isn't very symmetrical," Kid moaned.

"How can you know if you never tried it?" Patty countered.

"There's something in the name … the mere presence of the letter Q...I can sense these things…"

Fred and George ran up to them. "Well done," said George in a low voice. "Wood just told us. We're on the team too - Beaters."

"Quidditch question," Kid interrupted.

Fred's eyebrows rose. "That's right. Wood told me you've never ridden a broom before - or seen a Quidditch game, for that matter."

"So you've come to the experts for advice," George smiled. "Tell us, O Exalted Seeker, what you wish to know."

"Is it symmetrical?"

Whatever the twins expected, it was not that. The twins stared at each other blankly.

"Um…there's a strict number of things needed for each side, if that's what you mean," Fred offered after a pause.

"For starters, it's always seven to a team," said George.

"And two Bludgers -"

"And two Beaters -"

"Like us -"

"And two bats -"

"So the Beaters -"

"Beat the Bludgers."

Kid nodded. They came in pairs, and the symmetrical twins were there, too - so far so good.

"What about the goalposts?" Fred asked his twin.

"Of course! There's three goalposts for each side -"

"Six total -"

"And they're all different lengths!" both twins chorused.

Kid gasped in horror. "Noooo!" he cried, crawling under the table to the dismay of Liz and Patty.

"Anyway, we're off to see a secret passage Lee Jordan found," concluded George. "Try not to kill yourself before the first match, okay?"

There was a whimper from under the table.

Fred and George had scarcely disappeared when a far more unwelcome person turned up: Malfoy, flanked by Crabbe and Goyle.

"Having a last meal, Kid? When are you getting the train back to the Muggles?"

"You realize I don't live with Muggles, right?" Kid called out, crawling back out from under the table. "And why aren't you bothering Soul?"

"I'm letting him have private time with his true love Crona," Malfoy gushed. An extra bed had been found, but the incident that first night had been too good to let live down. "And what kind of family _do_ you come from?"

"None of your business," Kid growled. If his full name wasn't a big enough clue, Malfoy didn't deserve to know. "I do notice you're a lot braver when you're not flying around in mid-air. On a broomstick. Without bodyguards. And Soul trying to charge and/or eat you."

"Who wouldn't be?" Malfoy shrugged. "I'd take you on any time on my own. Tonight, if you want. Wizard's duel. Wands only - no contact. What's the matter? Never heard of a wizards' duel before?"

"No," Kid remarked, "I was just thinking I'd prefer a contact only, no wands duel."

"Whatever," Malfoy muttered, "I'm not trying to fight you anyway. I'm only going to sic Filch on you."

Kid didn't hear him, a plan forming in his mind. Yes, this duel would be the perfect opportunity to escape…

"Midnight all right?" Malfoy continued obliviously. "We'll meet you in the trophy room, that's always unlocked." With that, Malfoy and company left.

"Excuse me."

Kid looked up. It was Hermione Granger. "I couldn't help but overhear what you and Malfoy were saying -"

"A man's gotta do what a man's got to do," Kid brushed her off. He rose from the table. "Would you look at the time? I must be going."

* * *

><p>"Thursday, September 9, 9:09," Kid thought to himself. "909/9:09. 909909. A palindrome. How so beautifully symmetrical…"

With that he dozed off to sleep. Until, that is, he was whacked with a pillow.

"Wake up!" Patty said hyperly while still whispering.

"Before someone catches us in here," Liz pleaded. Fortunately Kid did wake up. His first remark was, "WHAT THE -"

"Just get downstairs," said Liz nonchalantly, trying to ignore the awkwardness from being in the other sex's dormitory.

Somehow they made it down to the common room without getting caught. Maka was waiting for them in the shadows.

After supper they had formed a plan. Kid, Liz and Patty would proceed to the duel as planned, and generally try to be a distraction. Meanwhile Maka would sneak around and fetch Soul, Crona, Black Star and Tsubaki.

Basically the plan was to break as many school rules as possible until:

1. They were able to make it off Hogwarts grounds and make a break for it using Kid and Soul's newfound talent for flying,

2. They got caught, presumably expelled, and sent off school grounds.

"I can't believe you're going to do this, Kid," a voice said from the shadows of the common room. A lamp flicked on. It was Hermione Granger.

"Go back to bed," Liz offered.

"I almost told Percy," Hermione snapped back. "He's a Prefect, he can stop this."

The group collectively groaned. They had counted on Black Star to fill the knock-out-bothersome-students role and besides, it would be awkward to knock out one of their fellow housemates in their own common room.

"I have to do this, for the sake of symmetry," Kid declared, stepping through the portrait hole. Maka, Liz and Patty followed suit. Hermione wasn't giving up easily. She followed them through the portrait hole, hissing like an angry goose.

"Don't you care about Gryffindor, do you only care about yourselves? I don't want Slytherin to win the house cup, and you'll lose all the points I got from Professor McGonagall for knowing about switching spells."

"Go away, it's not appropriate for you," said Liz.

"All right, but I warned you, you just remember that when you're on the train tomorrow, you're so -"

The portrait hole closed behind them, revealing the Fat Lady had left.

"Now what am I going to do?" she asked shrilly, effectively locked out of Gryffindor Tower.

"You have two choices," Kid mused, "You could come with us and be caught by Filch, or you can wait _here_ and be caught by Filch."

"Do you want to be expelled?" Hermione sighed, exasperated.

"Actually, yes, I do."

Hermione gaped in shock for five seconds. "Fine then," she replied, "you go get yourselves expelled. Meanwhile I can tell the truth and say that I was trying to knock some truth into you."

"Wait a minute … does that mean you're coming with us?"

"If I'm going to be caught anyway, I might as well knock some sense into you."

The DWMA students glanced at each other, worried. What were they to do with this unexpected addition?

Shrugging, Maka punched her in the head.

"Sorry," she called back, "it's for your own good. It's inappropriate!"

Suddenly a sort of shuffling could be heard up ahead.

"What's that?" Maka said quite loudly. "Maybe…it's Mrs Norris!"

"We should go check," offered Kid, also talking loudly. "I've never had a chance to check her symmetry."

He pulled out a ruler and marched ahead, expecting to run into Flich and be caught…only to confront Neville Longbottom, out cold.

"Hey guys!" called a voice further down the corridor. The DWMA students followed the noise.

It was Black Star. "Finally! **(&), you guys are slow."

"What are you doing here?" Maka demanded. "Where's Tsubaki?"

"After flying lessons," Black Star clarified, "Neville and I were forced to go to the hospital wing. Naturally I am such a big star, I sustained no injuries from my stunt. Unfortunately when I was discharged I couldn't remember the password back to the common room. I _did_ remember you guys would come out later though, so I just waited around for you guys. Unfortunately this idiot," he pointed to Neville, "couldn't remember his common room password either, and hung out with me, and was getting on my nerves, so I took … drastic measures."

"Whatever," Liz brushed him off, "let's just go to the trophy room and cause #^%."

* * *

><p>They made their way to the trophy room, but nothing exciting happened on the way. Black Star destroyed every single suit of armour along the way, thinking they were evil tree people (don't ask).<p>

Unfortunately it was very dark inside. "Lumos," Maka shouted, and her wand emitted a soft glow.

With light to see by, Kid began to rearrange the trophies in a more symmetrical order.

"Seriously!" Black Star muttered, kicking a trash can in frustration. "The nerve of some people! We have light and made lots of noise - why haven't we been caught yet?"

"It's a trap!" cried a squid-headed figure.

"Um, what?" said Liz while Patty screamed in fright - whether due to surprise or the head, it was impossible to tell.

An ominous-looking black-helmeted figure stepped up. "Like my twin said, it's a trap," the figure said in a robotic voice.

"Wait, maybe our true forms would give us more credibility."

They turned to each other, pulled out wands, and whispered, _"cosplayus undous."_

The exaggerated faces faded away, revealing -

"I think we just met some kindred souls," commented George. "Look at you, sneaking around at night like professional pranksters."

"Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, isn't it, George?"

"Quite true, my dear Fred."

The twins turned back to the various weapons and meisters. "Sorry about that," smiled Fred sheepishly. "In third year Transfiguration we were turning pieces of wood into Muggle action figures."

"We moved beyond that stage very quickly, and Fred and I got carried away."

"Anyway, we come to warn you .. it's a trap!"

"We know that," muttered Black Star impatiently. "WHY?"

"Patience, my Padawan," George chastised. "That git Malfoy … he's not coming at all."

"What?" exclaimed the weapons and meisters.

"He's probably getting Filch right now, "continued Fred, "but we're your white knights, who have come to save you damsels in distress."

"Come along, we'll get you back to the Gryffindor common room in no time."

"But I'm in Hufflepuff," Black Star protested. "Not by choice…"

"We'll drop you off on the way. Password's 'Diamond and Pearl'. As in the Pokémon games."

"Slytherin's password is 'Pure blood', as usual."

"Ravenclaw have riddle passwords, so that's trickier. It'll ask, 'Why did the chicken cross the road?'"

"It's on a metaphorical, deeper level though, so the answer's not 'To get to the other side'. I've tried."

"Neither is it 'To get a job at Kentucky Fried Chicken'. I've tried, too."

* * *

><p>Due to the twins' knowledge of secret passage ways, Maka, Kid and the Thomposn sisters were back in the Gryffindor common room in no time.<p>

"You're lucky this time," George added absentmindedly. "Filch found some other out-of-bed students to chase around."

"Go right to sleep," Fred called out.

And Maka almost did fall asleep, only to be barraged by questions.

What would happen to Soul and the others? Who was sneaking around at this hour? And most chilling of all…

_Were the twins onto them?_

_Next time: The night is not yet over! Soul, Tsubaki and Crona's grand adventure!  
><em>


	25. Quidditch For Grim Reapers

**Quidditch For Grim Reapers  
><strong>

Author's Note: Happy belated (depending on where you live) President's and/or Family Day!

* * *

><p>Tsubaki ducked behind a suit of armour. When Black Star hadn't returned from the hospital wing she'd assumed he snuck out and was wreaking havoc in the school.<p>

When he hadn't returned by nightfall, she really started to worry. True, Black Star might've gotten locked out. To put it frankly, he wasn't the brightest stick in the barrel. Or even in the barrel.

When she didn't find him outside the common room brooding, she went into full-on panic mode. What if he had his blood sucked out by Mosquito and was lying in a ditch somewhere? What if he had gotten caught and was getting the worst punishment ever inflicted on Hogwarts grounds? He _had_ killed one of the teachers and had injured two others, after all.

Or, what if he had … discovered a hidden supply of machine guns inside Hogwarts? There was a reason Tsubaki refused to go into a Gun Mode.

With these and several other grim possibilities racing through her head, she raced around the school, looking for any sign of her hyperactive partner. A sudden shuffling noise in the dark made her freeze with fright…

"Where's Black Star?" Soul asked, emerging from the darkness with Crona.

"It's just you!" Tsubaki exclaimed. "No … I don't know where Black Star is."

"The others probably left already," Crona remarked. "We shouldn't waste their sacrifice."

With that, they attempted to proceed towards the nearest exit. The key word was 'attempted'.

"Let's try this door," suggested Soul. "It might lead outside."

He was horribly wrong. The group ended up inside a flooded girls' bathroom. The ghost of a young girl started wailing.

Quickly escaping the ghost's wrath, Tsubaki pointed out a different door to try. This one ended at a rooftop prison cell.

"With my luck, I'll pick a door that'll lead to a three-headed dog," Crona moaned. "I can't deal with that."

"So then … what now?" said Soul.

This was answered by a voice - and it wasn't Black Star's.

"Sniff around, my sweet, they might be lurking in a corner."

Instantly the DWMA students threw what to do. They simultaneously started jogging in the opposite direction.

"They weren't in the trophy room," Filch mused. "They're somewhere in this castle…yes, somewhere…"

Tsubaki accidentally ran into a suit of armour.

"RUN!" Soul yelled, and the three of them sprinted down the corridor, not bothering to check what Filch was doing.

They accidentally ran through a tapestry, which turned out to be a secret passageway that led to the still-wrecked Entrance Hall.

"I think we lost him," Soul panted, leaning against the wall. Crona lay on the floor, gasping for breath.

"Look on the bright side," said Tsubaki. "Once we walk through those doors we'll be outside. We can escape from there."

Suddenly a white, ghostly form charged down the marble staircase. It was Peeves. "Wandering around at midnight, Ickle Firsties?" he called out tauntingly.

"Black Star," muttered Soul quickly, hoping to scare the poltergist away.

"Ha ha … ha. HA." Delayed reaction. "Aaaah!" Peeves screamed before darting through the wall.

Unfortunately all the screaming attracted Mrs. Norris.

"$#," muttered Soul. The DWMA students ran back up the secret passage … only to see Filch's lamp light up a nearby classroom. Wordlessly Crona pointed to a door down the hall.

It was locked, but fortunately Tsubaki remembered a door-opening spell. "Alohomora," she murmured.

The door creaked open. Loudly. The students ducked inside before slamming the door shut.

Outside Filch began arguing with Peeves.

"My fitness sucks, so I wasn't able to catch up with them," Filch growled. "Tell me, Peeves, which way did they go?"

"Fish heads, fish heads, fish heads…"

"Not that infernal song again! Okay fine … please tell me where they went. And please stop that infernal singing!"

"Fish heads…"

"I said please! What's with you?"

"I'm the Pokémon Fishheads. Pokémon can only say their own name. Fish heads…"

Filch banged his head on the 'locked' door in frustration.

"I guess we're safe for now-" Soul began before yelling, "Okay Crona, STOP TOUCHING ME!" The boy in question had been tugging on Soul's robes for the past minute.

"But I can't deal with that…" Crona pointed at something.

And what a something it was. A three-headed dog glared back.

"Cool," whispered Soul.

Tsubaki quickly evaluated her chance of winning a fight. Their opponent was a *&%$ed off, hungry, three-headed dog. On their side were two weapons without meisters, and an insecure wreck called Crona.

"Um, no," Tsubaki stated, pushing her two companions out the door, then leaping out herself.

After slamming the door shut, Tsubaki, Crona, and Soul sprinted down the hall. Luckily Filch had found a different door to bang his head on, and was too preoccupied getting "Fish Heads" out of his head to notice three students run by for their lives.

Once deeming that the three-headed dog had not given chase, the students split off for their common rooms.

* * *

><p>Malfoy stared at Soul and Crona as they entered the Slytherin dorm. "Needed some private time together?" he commented.<p>

"Ummm, sure, " Soul improvised.

Ignoring the implications for the fanbase for now, Soul was busy trying to figure out was why that thing was in Hogwarts anyways. While admittedly it would make a great pet, he doubted that the entire facility would be okay with it. Unless…

_Unless it was guarding something._

He had no idea where the thought had come from. Maybe it was planted by some rabid plot bunnies adding to the rising action of the story.

* * *

><p>Malfoy could not believe his eyes when he saw Death the Kid at breakfast, looking tired but …. grim.<p>

Meanwhile, at the Slytherin table, Soul filled in Crona on his suspicions about a guarded object.

"Like the thing from Gringott's," Crona suggested instantaneously.

"Wait, what?"

"The thing in that vault that was broken into."

"Oh. That one. Right. Why should we care?"

"It's extremely valuable. Or dangerous. Or both. I thought we already had this conversation."

"I might share some of your black blood, but I don't share your memory."

* * *

><p>One week later, new developments occured in the Kid-vs-Malfoy rivalry saga. two long thin packages, each carried by six large screech owls, arrived at morning post. One came for Soul, the other to Kid.<p>

"Maybe it's a meter stick," thought Kid with glee, as a letter was dropped on top of the package. "I haven't had anything to cheer me up since our escape plan failed drastically."

He opened the letter first, then groaned.

_Hello again, Son,_

_I'm sorry that I haven't kept in touch lately _(His last letter was exactly one week ago, Kid recalled), _but my mirror broke down, and Joe is trying to repair it but keeps doing the Rumba dance._

_Congrats on becoming a Seeker! This package has a brand-new Nimbus 2000. Do not open it at the table though, or everyone will want one. Even with the Death family fortune that would cost a lot!_

_Mister Oliver Wood will teach your first training session at 7:00 on the Quidditch Pitch. Tell me how it goes.  
><em>

_Sincerely,_

_Lord Death_

Luckily, he hadn't heard of Kid's little midnight adventure.

Unfortunately, Soul didn't open the letter first, so he soon found himself with a full-sized broom on his plate. Seeing the shocked look on Malfoy's face, Soul remembered something.

"You could have your parents send a broom," he said to Malfoy, "and charge you a monthly rental fee for it. The school only discourages first years _owning_ broomsticks. Or better yet, rent my broom when I am not at practice."

With that, Soul got up to leave, but realized that he had a broom to smuggle out.

Soon enough he came up with a solution. He had Crona pretend to hide behind him (not a difficult task) while Soul simply held the broom behind his back. Simple.

The only bad thing was that some more Soul/Crona rumors started to stir...

* * *

><p>Maka, Liz, Patty, Kid, and his broom were also trying to leave the Great Hall, but were intercepted by Malfoy and company.<p>

"That's a broomstick," Malfoy pointed out.

"Yes, thank you for that _helpful_ observation," Kid drawled. "I was quite baffled as to what this package's contents could _possibly_ be."

"First years aren't allowed their own."

"You're the one that wanted to smuggle one in," Black Star called out from the Hufflepuff table.

"Again, why don't you bother Soul," Maka countered, pointing out Soul and Crona making their way out of the Hall. "He has a broom, too."

"Actually, Soul offered to rent his broom to me… I think. Plus, I am obligated to bother people from Gryffindor."

Suddenly, Professor Flitwick appeared at Malfoy's elbow. "Not arguing, I hope, boys?" he squeaked.

"Kid's been sent a broomstick," said Malfoy quickly.

"Yes, yes, that's right," said Professor Flitwick, beaming at Kid. "He is special. So what model is it?"

"A Nimbus 2000, apparently," said Kid. "Is that good?"

Considering Malfoy's face turned from anger to disbelief, and Flitwick fainted from shock, Kid considered this a good sign.

"Have a nice day," Patty called out to Malfoy as their group left to put away the broom.

* * *

><p>Everyone had a hard time focusing on classes.<p>

Kid's mind kept wandering to how unsymmetrical this Quidditch would be.

Soul's mind kept wandering to whether Quidditch would be like croquet.

Crona's mind wandered to what the dog might be hiding, but went to nightmarish thoughts of Lady Medusa from there.

Malfoy's mind wandered to why Kid could be so darn lucky.

Maka's mind wandered to what Soul's mind was doing, as it was clearly not concentrating on work.

Liz's mind wandered to how big an unsymmetrical reaction Kid would have while Patty's wandered to the giraffe that she was drawing on a test paper.

Tsubaki's mind wandered to what the others were doing.

Black Star's mind wandered to how awesome he perceived himself to be.

* * *

><p>At supper time, Kid was very slow in eating, making everything as symmetrical as possible. Soul didn't eat much as he worked out a payment schedule with Malfoy.<p>

After dinner, the Gryffindor DWMA students rushed up to unwrap the broomstick. For a broom, it was high quality. It was sleek and shiny, with a mahogany handle. It had a long tail of neat, straight twigs, and Nimbus-2000 written in gold near the top. Compared to the school brooms, the Nimbus 2000 was positively symmetrical.

As 7:00 drew nearer, Kid and Soul left the castle for the Quidditch pitch. Neither of them had been on the pitch before. There were hundreds of seats in raised stands, so the spectators could see what the heck was going on. At either end of the pitch, there were three golden poles with hoops on the end, each over 50 feet high.

And also, as the twins had noted, they were of different lengths. Kid immediately fell into symmetry withdrawl.

Soul somehow convinced Kid to try flying on his broom to cheer himself up.

Surprisingly enough, this worked. With no Rememberall to catch or unsymmetrical twigs to angst over, Kid was able to enjoy the joy of flying-

"Death the Kid, come down." Oliver Wood had arrived. He was carrying a large wooden crate under his arm. Kid landed next to him.

"Very nice," said Wood, his eyes glinting. "I see what McGonagall meant. You really are a natural. I'll just teach you two the rules, then you'll join your respective team practices three times a week."

He opened the crate. Inside were four balls of various sizes and colours.

"Right," said Wood. "Now, Quidditch is, in theory, easy enough to understand, even if it is not too easy to play. There are seven players on each side. Three of them are called Chasers."

"Okay, the croquet theory has officially gone out the window," thought Soul as Wood took out a large red ball.

"This ball is called the Quaffle," said Wood. "The Chasers throw the Quaffle to each other, and try to get it through one of the hoops to score ten points every time it goes through. Follow me?"

"Why is there only one Quaffle?" moaned Kid. "The symmetry…"

"The Chasers throw the Quaffle through the hoops to score, " recited Soul. "So… it's like basketball on brooms that somehow fly with six hoops?"

"What's basketball?" said Wood curiously.

"A lesson in asymmetry," Kid interjected. Indeed, in the DWMA's friendly games there was only one ball, the hoops were lopsided (by 0.5 millimeters) and the games always seemed to involve threats to move his personal belongings off-centre.

Ignoring that, Wood continued the overview. "Now another player on each side is called the Keeper. For example, I'm Keeper for Gryffindor. I need to fly around the hoops, and keep the other team from scoring…and frequently get hit on the head in the process."

"Three Chasers, one Keeper, and they play with the Quaffle. Okay, got that. So what are those for?" Soul pointed at the three balls left in the trunk.

"I'll show you now," said Wood. "Here, take these." He handed Kid and Soul small clubs, like thick baseball bats.

"I'm going to show you what Bludgers do," said Wood. "These two are the Bludgers." He showed them two identical balls, jet black, and slightly smaller than the red Quaffle.

Soul noticed that they seemed to be struggling against the straps holding them in the box.

Kid noticed that the balls were identical… like twins! This fact made him considerably happier.

"Stand back," Wood warned them. He bent down and freed one of the Bludgers. At once, the black ball rose high in the air, and then pelted straight at Kid's face.

Angry at the lack of symmetry, Kid whacked the ball with the bat, and the ball smashed far away into the air, until it shot back at Wood, who did an epic dive on top of it, pinning it to the ground.

"See?" Wood panted, forcing the struggling Bludger back into the crate and strapping it down safely. "The Bludgers rocket around trying to knock players off their brooms. That's why you have two Beaters on each team. The Weasley twins are ours - it's their job to protect their side from the Bludgers and try and knock them toward the other team. So - think you've got all that?"

"Three Chasers try and score with the Quaffle; the Keeper guards the goal posts; the Beaters keep the Bludgers away from their team," Soul reeled off.

"Twins keeping away twin Bludgers," Kid murmured with starry eyes. "What beautiful symmtery!"

"Very good," Wood said to Soul. "Um, we'll work with you," he said to Kid.

"As -er -anyone seen killed by a Bludger?" Soul asked offhandedly.

"Never at Hogwarts. We've had a couple of broken jaws but nothing worse than that. Now - the last member of the team - the Seeker - that's you two. And you won't have to worry about the Quaffle or the Bludgers -"

"-Unless one cracks my head open."

"-How can one not worry about the Quaffle? There's only one!"

"Don't worry. The Weasley twins are more than a match for the Bludgers - I mean, they're like a pair of human Bludgers themselves, meant in the politest way possible. Now, as for the Quaffle - unless you make a proposal to the Supreme Board of Quidditch, I can't help you."

While he said all this Wood reached into the crate and pulled out the fourth and last ball. Compared with the Quaffle and the Bludgers it was tiny, about the size of a walnut. It was bright gold and had fluttering silver wings.

"This," said Wood, "is the Golden Snitch, and it's the most important ball of the lot. Basically, one of the Seekers has to catch it to end the game. The team that catches it receives a 150 point bonus, so they *almost* always win. Incidentally, Seekers tend to be fouled the most and receive the most severe injuries. But don't let that concern you. Well, that's it… any questions?"

"Has anyone been killed in Quidditch in general?" Soul wondered.

"At Hogwarts, you mean? Well…once when a Hufflepuff's broomstick spontaneously combusted and the player was teleported to an alternate universe where he was run over by a car. Any more questions - preferably ones that don't relate to death?"

Soul and Kid shook their heads. Surprisingly enough, the game made enough sense once you moved beyond the logistical impossibility of flying broomsticks.

"We won't practice with the Snitch yet," Wood said, putting the Snitch away. "It's too dark and even with all of your skills we'll probably lose it. We'll practice with these."

He pulled out a bag of ordinary golf balls. Wood had a very bad habit of stealing them by the bucketful off the driving range.

He threw the golf balls in every direction for Kid and Soul to catch. Between them they didn't miss a single one. After half an hour night had fallen, and they couldn't continue on.

"I wouldn't be surprised if you two turn out to be better than Charlie Weasley, and he could have played for England if he hadn't gone off chasing dragons."

_Next time: Time to make things fly! The upcoming Hallowe'en feast!_

* * *

><p>Author's Note: I'm over 50,000 words now! Yay!<p> 


	26. Of Feathers and Hallowe'en Feasts

**Of Feathers and Hallowe'en Feasts**

Perhaps it was because he was so busy, what with Quidditch practice three times a week on top of his homework, but Soul could hardly believe it when he realized he'd been at Hogwarts for two months.

It didn't feel like home, but that was only because there was no Blair giving him nosebleeds every so often. Then again, there was the Soul/Crona love story to deal with. However, his lessons were becoming more and more interesting (not to mention manageable) once they moved beyond the basics.

Kid found that, which with all the asymmetry, it dragged on and on. Soon he had devised another escape plan...

* * *

><p>On Halloween morning the school awoke to the delicious smell of baking pumpkin wafting through the corridors. Even better, Professor Flitwick announced in Charms that he thought they were ready to make objects fly. The Gryffindors were quite excited for this ever since they had a demonstration…<p>

_"Finally!" panted Eruka, perching outside the Charms window. "Now I just have to sneak into that classroom and Trevor and I will be united!"_

_After Medusa's rejection to Brew Neville, the two witches had had a long and heated argument, escalating with Eruka hopping away in a huff.  
><em>

_"Now class," Flitwick squeaked excitedly, "I'll give a short demonstration of what's to come. May someone volunteer a small object?"_

_That was when she saw Neville take out her dear love from a pocket. _

_"Trevorrrrrr!" Eruka croaked as he leapt through the window, smashing the glass in the process._

"¡Senorita!"_ Trevor exclaimed. Instantly he leapt from Neville's grasp and activated his jet pack...only to realize that his toad form didn't have a jet pack. He made an ungraceful dive as Eruka continued flying smack into the back of Flitwick's head, who then promptly tumbled off his stack of books from the additional weight.  
><em>

_The class, thinking that was all part of the demonstration, clapped…_

For the exercise Flitwick put the class into pairs. Kid ended up with Seamus, a partnership doomed to failure. Liz and Patty ended up together. Maka ended up with Neville, who relinquished all charm duties to her. Ron and Hermione were stuck together. For some reason they weren't speaking to each other since the various broomstick incidents.

Kid straightened out the feather they were given, lining up each barb, while Seamus tried to cast the spell. Seamus prodded it with his hand, setting fire to it.

No one bothered to put it out, so the table caught fire. Luckily, Flitwick put it out at that point with an "Aquamarius" charm.

Patty got bored when the feather didn't do anything. She started to color it blue with a pencil crayon.

Two cloaked figures near the back were having trouble too. The shorter of the two added choice expletives to his magic words.

"Who are they?" multiple students asked.

Flitwick shrugged. "They just walked in and sat down. I figured I'd let them join in the fun."

Ron was not having much luck, to say the least.

"Wingardium Leviosa!" he shouted, waving his arms like an over-caffeinated bumblebee.

"You're saying it wrong!" Hermione snapped. It's wing-gar-dium levi-o-sa. Make the 'gar' nice and long."

"You do it, then, if you're so clever," Ron snarled.

Hermione rolled up her sleeves, flicked her wand and said, "Wingardium Leviosa!"

The feather rose from the desk and hovered about four feet above their heads.

"Oh, well done!" Flitwick cried, clapping. "Everyone look here, Granger's done it!"

"Wingardium #*)()($ Leviosa!"

The shout came from the short cloaked figure. The other figure was mysteriously absent.

By some miracle this feather also started rising, except it was transforming into an anvil.

"Oh…" muttered Black Star.

"Don't say it," whimpered Tsubaki in her wand form.

The anvil started floating toward Professor Flitwick. Then…

_Thump!_

Suffice to say an anvil was heavier than a frog, and that Flitwick required medical attention.

* * *

><p>Sufficiently distracted by the anvil, Ron was only in a somewhat bad mood.<p>

"It's no wonder no one can stand her," Ron muttered to Kid as they tried to leave the crowded classroom. "She's a nightmare."

Someone knocked into Kid on their way out of the classroom. It was Hermione. Kid noticed her face was streaked with unsymmetrical tears.

"Um, I think she heard you…" he murmured nervously.

"So what?" Ron said, but he looked rather uncomfortable. "She must've noticed she's got no friends."

"It's a wonder _you_ have any friends, Mr. Sensitive." Kid turned to Ron. "Think how much she is suffering by having the symmetry of her face offset by tears. Tears caused by YOU."

"Fine. If I see her again I'll apologize."

"Thank you."

Unfortunately Hermione didn't show up for their next class. On their way down to the Great Hall to the Halloween feast some minor characters discussed how Hermione was crying in the girls' toilets and preferred to be left alone.

"Well, I can't apologize to her now," Ron shrugged.

"NO! This means you have to apologize to her more than ever! Obviously she cried over your insensitive comments, then noticed her tears offset her symmetry, then cried over her asymmetry … it's a vicious cycle."

"Fine, if it makes you happy," Ron sighed.

However, the Halloween decorations soon put Hermione out of their minds. Because of his status as a Grim Reaper, Halloween had a special place in Death the Kid's heart. It was almost enough to forgive the holiday of its asymmetry.

Thousands of live bats flew around the Great Hall while candles flickered in floating pumpkins. Mistaking them for the long-lost Pumpkin Pasties, Soul was trying to eat them while Crona protested that it wasn't very safe.

Kid snatched a turkey drumstick from the food-laden table. His plan was to go up to the third floor corridor, use the meat to lure out the three headed dog, then try to leave the grounds in the ensuing chaos. He figured that if the faculty could station the dog inside the castle in the first place, they could subdue it. Eventually.

Liz and Patty would accompany him and subsequently leave with him. Maka, Soul, and Tsubaki, however, were enjoying their time at the castle and decided to stay a while longer. Black Star wanted to stay behind to beat up more people.

Crona, however, had quite enough of Slytherin house and would be accompanying him on their great escape. He was also there to point out which door the dog was behind.

Kid, Liz and Patty were about to make their surreptitious leave when suddenly Professor Quirrel burst into the Great Hall. His turban was askew and his face was pale with terror.

"Troll! In the dungeon!" he screamed. "Troll! In the dungeon!" he repeated for the convenience of those slow on the uptake.

He stopped in the middle of the hall. "Just thought you ought to know," he said before slipping into a dead faint.

In the ensuing uproar Kid seethed with annoyance. Someone stole his idea!

"Did he want to escape too?" Patty wondered.

"Considering he fainted in the middle of a thousand or so young, terrified witches and wizards …I'll say no," Liz reasoned.

Once Kid got over the blatant plagiarism, he realized that the uproar was actually creating the perfect escape opportunity. he calmkly rose to his feet, preparing to blend into the crowd-

"SILENCE!" Dumbledore screamed.

Surprisingly, everyone shut up.

"Prefects," Dumbledore rumbled, "lead your houses back to their dormitories immediately."

Percy was in his element. "Please form a line behind me in an orderly fashion," he declared calmly. "Do not smuggle in your food, it will be magically teleported to the common room where the feast will continue."

Kid realized he was still holding the drumstick; sheepishly he dropped it.

Professor Quirrel, still lying on the ground, reached out a hand and grabbed the drumstick.

Maka watched the whole spectacle. "Hmm, not suspicious at all!" she mused.

* * *

><p>"This throws a kink into our plans," Kid grumbled.<p>

Percy was leading them up to the common room in an orderly fashion - which did not include letting students make a break for it. As they made their way through a group of confused Hufflepuffs, led for some reason by Black Star, someone tugged on Kid's arm. As Kid was about to shout at Patty for getting his attention in such an unsymmetrical fashion, he realized it was in fact Ron.

"I've just remembered - Hermione."

"Oh? Are you going to apologize?"

"She doesn't know about the troll. Much as I would like to see her try to take one on all by herself with her stupid books - she's kinda trapped in the toilets, and it's my fault she has such a handicap."

"So let me get this straight - you want her to fight the troll one-on-one?"

"Precisely."

"As long as you apologize first," Kid concluded as he, Ron, Liz and Patty ducked down into the group of Hufflepuffs and made their way down a side corridor.

_"This will do just fine,"_ Kid thought to himself. _"The teachers aren't _that_ incompetent, so they're probably busy fighting the troll on the dungeon. Once Ron apologizes to Hermione to my satisfaction and lets her go, I figure we can give them both the slip and proceed to escape as planned."_

The party had just turned the corner when they heard quick footsteps behind them.

"Percy!" they all thought simultaneously.

However, it was Snape, who appeared to be carrying three very large dog muzzles.

"What the -" Ron hissed.

"Personally I'm wondering what Snape's doing here," Kid said, "instead of protecting his dear Slytherins. They kinda have a dorm in the dungeon."

Quietly as possible, they crept along the next corridor after Snape's fading footsteps.

"He's heading for the third floor," Kid realized, but then heard footsteps behind them.

"Is it Filch?" Ron breathed.

But no, it was just a very confused Crona.

"A Slytherin!" Ron exclaimed.

"Don't stereotype me, I can't deal with that," Crona moaned.

"Um, what are you doing here?" Liz asked intelligently.

"Everyone was trying to leave the Great Hall at once. I can't deal with that. I started following Professor Snape - he's head of Slytherin house, and I thought he'd go back to the dorms - but he didn't, so here I am."

"That's convoluted," Ron commented.

"IT'S SMELLY IN HERE!" Patty complained suddenly.

Smelly was an understatement. It smelled like old socks combined with a public toilet no one wants to clean.

And then they heard it - a low growling combined with the shuffling of very, very large feet. Ron pointed at a passage on the left: something big was walking toward them. The group darted into the shadows and watched as it emerged.

"Blimey, it's even uglier than Malfoy," Ron whispered.

The troll stank like it hadn't had a bath since the day it was born, and had the appearance to match. Liz and Patty groaned at the disregard for personal hygiene. Kid found it all too unsymmetrical.

The troll found a door, opened it like the dignified being that was hiding somewhere deep down, and stomped inside.

"There's a key in that lock," Ron noted. "Let's lock it in. Even though it can probably break down the door in the first place."

Liz shrugged. "Oh well. If it tries to break it open we could shoot - spells at it," she caught her error just in time.

For some reason Ron had to perform this task. He sneaked up to the door, slammed it shut and turned the key.

"Yes!" Patty cried, until she noted a sign above the door: Girls' toilets.

"Oh well," she said out loud, "he can wash off in there."

A high-pitched scream came from inside the bathroom.

Kid gasped in horror. "You … _you didn't apologize to Hermione!_"

"I can't go in there!" Ron shot back. "Besides, now there's a troll locked inside! What am I supposed to do - fight it?"

"YES, BY ALL THAT IS SYMMETRICAL!"

"Fine then." Ron unlocked the door and the group ran inside.

Hermione Granger had backed into the wall, looking about to faint from fright. The troll was advancing on her, knocking off sinks as it went.

"Confuse it!" Kid shouted, throwing a tap against the wall.

"...How?" Ron asked blankly.

While he was distracted Liz and Patty transformed into guns.

The troll stopped a few feet from Hermione. It looked around, searching for the source of the loud noise. Its beady eyes focused on Kid.

Crona tried to enter the bathroom, but found his way blocked by rubble that used to be a sink.

Kid shot at the troll. The troll unfortunately didn't appear to be affected but was distracted by the loud noises.

Ronthrew a nearby pipe in frustration. It hit the troll, who again was distracted by the loud noise.

"Go on, run!" Ron shouted at Hermione.

"Don't move until he apologizes!" Kid retorted, still shooting at the troll. He turned to Ron, about to yell a command.

Unfortunately Kid's gaze led to a stall with no toilet in it. He scanned the bathroom anxiously, trying to find the AWOL toilet.

"Oh no," groaned Liz, realizing Kid was having another of his fits.

Meanwhile Crona had spontaneously generated his sword, and was using that to break through the sink wreckage.

"I've never killed a troll before," he mused out loud as he was about to strike the troll -

"WAIT!" protested Ron. "This is the scene where I heroically cast a spell correctly to save us all!"

"Oh," said Crona. "I didn't know that. Go right ahead."

The troll turned around, preparing to strike Ron and Crona with its club.

"Can you be heroic now?" Crona pleaded.

"Fine," Ron sighed, pulling out his wand and saying unenthusiastically, "Wingardium leviosa."

Nothing happened. The troll swung the club -

"WINGADRIUM LEVIOSA!"

The club slipped out of the troll's grip, lowered slightly - and whacked it in a place no one, not even a 12-foot mountain troll, wants to be hit.

The troll collapsed, moaning.

Liz and Patty quickly un-transformed while Ron was distracted by the fainting troll. "Is it dead?" Liz asked out loud.

"I don't think so," Kid remarked. "Just out cold."

"Now you -" he pointed at Ron, "apologize. Now."

Ron walked over to Hermione. "All right, I just want to say -"

A sudden slamming and loud footsteps make them raise their heads. In the heat of battle you don't really notice how loud you are, so the noise apparently attracted some intruders.

Fortunately it was just Professor McGonagall, followed by Snape and Quirrel

Snape darted over to Kid and forced him to lie down, claiming he was looking for injuries. Nothing like a knocked out mountain troll to revive stalkerish tendencies.

Snape shot a look at Crona that said, "You're next." The demon sword meister twitched in anxiety.

Professor McGonagall, meanwhile, looked angry. "What were you thinking?" she shouted, cold fury in her voice. "You're lucky you weren't killed. Why aren't you in your dormitory?"

Obviously she didn't realize what kind of things Kid and Crona did on a daily basis.

Then a small voice called from the shadows.

"Please, Professor … it was me."

"Hermione!" McGonagall exclaimed.

Hermione had finally gotten to her feet. She quickly improvised a story about how she decided to fight the troll on her own but it was much tougher than she'd expected, and she'd certainly have been killed if Kid and the others hadn't shown up when they did.

Kid held back the part about them coming down to apologize/escape.

McGonagall reprimanded Hermione for her foolishness, and removed 5 points from Gryffindor for the fiasco. Hermione then left for Gryffindor tower in shame.

McGonagall then turned to Kid (still being examined by Snape for 'injuries'), Crona, Liz, Patty and Ron.

"Well, I still say you're lucky, but not very many first years could take on a full-grown mountain troll on their own. You'll each win five points for your respective houses. Professor Dumbledore will be informed for this. Now go-"

"On the contrary," said Snape. "I'll take them all to the hospital wing. They're injured. Except for you -" he glared at Ron. "Weasley, get out of my sight."

Both Ron and McGonagall realized that Snape was probably going to treat the would-be heroes as his personal research monkeys. Shrugging, Ron left for the common room.

* * *

><p>It was boisterous, what with the food and ill-planned living space. Ron made his way to Hermione in the corner. "Listen, Hermione," he said, "there is something I said today that should not have been said-"<p>

Thus began the cheesiest, mushiest apology ever uttered on this planet.

After sitting through all that Hermione smiled and said gently, "Thanks, Ron, but I only like you as a friend, if that."

She then resolved never to raise the question of apologies around Ron. Ever. Again.

* * *

><p>Now, for our research monkeys…<p>

"Wait a minute!" exclaimed Snape. "Why am I escorting you two?" He turned upon Liz and Patty.

"Don't you want to examine us?" pleaded Liz mockingly.

"And dissect our sense of fashion?" her sister added.

"Hint: we actually use shampoo."

Snape twitched, then turned and stomped down the hall.

"Thanks," Crona smiled. "He was scary, and I coulodn't deal with him...""

_Next time: Heart-pounding Quidditch match! House rivalry on broomsticks!  
><em>


	27. 7 Players And Flying Brooms Is Calamity

**7 Players + Flying Brooms = Calamity**

Author's Note: No, I haven't been abducted by aliens or anything catastrophic like that. I've just fallen under an extremely unhealthy case of procrastination. *bonks self on head for punishment, Dobby-style*

Author's Note 2: Mathematical equations don't work in the Chapter title box. It makes me sad...

* * *

><p>As they entered November, the weather turned cold. A layer of frost covered the grounds while the mountains in the distance became icy grey. Hagrid could be seen defrosting brooms on the Quidditch pitch.<p>

Okay, now that the setting stuff is over with...the Quidditch season had begun!

That Saturday, Kid and Soul would play they first match after weeks of training: Gryffindor vs. Slytherin. Cue drama.

Hardly anyone had seen either of them play because their respective teams decided to keep their secret weapons…well, secret.

Unfortunately for them, it had leaked. Soul didn't know what was worse: people telling him he'd be brilliant, or people asking him what his last words would be to Crona.

Kid was most worried his broom would lean slightly towards the left.

Luckily Kid now had Hermione as a friend. It was like Maka incarnate. Both girls helped him through homework between his last minute Quidditch practices. Hermione also lent him_ Quidditch Through the Ages_, but with everything else it was forgotten. Plus, the cover was too unsymmetrical.

The day before the Quidditch match, while in the freezing courtyard on break, Hermione had conjured up a bright blue fire in a jam jar. She, Ron, Maka, Kid, Liz and Patty were huddling around it.

Snape walked over, clearly limping. They all huddled around the fire to hide it, as it was probably illegal.

That didn't stop Snape from looking for something to tell them off for. "What have we got here?" he demanded coolly.

Fortunately Liz and Patty were well-versed in the magic words. "Shampoo," they chorused.

Perhaps he was in a fouler mood than usual, for he did not leave immediately. "Five points from Gryffindor for bullying the professor," he said before limping in the opposite direction.

"Um, I don't think he's allowed to do that," muttered Kid.

"He's limping," Maka pointed out. "Did he injure himself?'

"I hope it's really hurting him," Ron growled.

* * *

><p>The Gryffindor common room was crowded that evening.<p>

To take his mind off the match tomorrow (and its certain asymmetry), Kid decided to find Black Star. The rambunctious child likely wouldn't have any bright coping ideas, but his ranting would certainly give him something to think about.

When he told his plan to Maka, she was skeptical. "You want to just talk with him? What good'll that do? And how will you get into the common room anyway?"

Kid didn't know and didn't care - incidentally, he suspected this was how Black Star usually thought about things.

* * *

><p>On his way down to the Hufflepuff common room he noticed the staff room door was open, thus offsetting the symmetry of the hallway. He walked over to close it.<p>

He gasped. Inside were Filch and Snape, alone. Snape was holding his robes above his knees. One of his legs was bloody and mangled. Filch handed Snape bandages.

"Blasted thing," Snape muttered. "Commenting on my hair -"

"Yes, but about the dog?" Filch prompted.

"Never mind the bloody dog. How do I get past those Thompson sisters?"

Kid, sensing this was an elaborate scheme to kidnap him (again), quietly shut the door.

Not fast enough. "WHO'S THERE?" Snape angrily shouted form the staff room.

"Harry Potter," Kid improvised. He had no idea where the name came from.

"Mr Potter … GET OUT OF MY SIGHT!"

"Gladly," said Kid, fully shutting the door.

* * *

><p>He raced back to the common room with news of the scene he encountered.<p>

"You know what this means?" he finished to Maka, Liz and Patty.

"He's a major stalker?" Liz concluded.

"True, but not what I had in mind…"

"Oh!" Maka exclaimed. "He tried to get past that dog on Halloween!"

"Precisely. He's lusting after whatever the dog's guarding … and me. Therefore, it's a reasonable assumption he let in the troll to create a diversion."

Perhaps it was a good thing he didn't use the dog for his own distraction.

"Which leads us to 'what is that dog guarding?''' Maka concluded.

Unfortunately they had insufficient data for a meaningful answer. Kid tried to go to bed after that - the match was in a few hours, after all - but it was hard to forget Snape scheming over Liz and Patty.

* * *

><p>The next morning dawned bright and cold. The Great Hall was filled with the delicious smell of asymmetric sausages and the chatter of excited students looking forward to a good Quidditch match.<p>

"Um, you should eat some breakfast," Patty happily pointed out.

"Breakfast is the most important meal of the day," recited Maka.

"I don't want any, it's unsymmetrical," moaned Kid.

"Just a bit of toast," offered Hermione.

"I'm not hungry...too ill from the asymmetry..." He felt terrible. In an hour's time he'd be partaking in the unsymmetrical torture dubbed Quidditch.

"Kid, you need your strength," said Seamus Finnigan. "Seekers are always the ones that get targeted by the other team."

"Thanks, Seamus," growled Kid sarcastically, watching Seamus pile ketchup asymmetrically on his sausages.

* * *

><p>By eleven o'clock the whole school seemed to be in the stands. Many had binoculars to stalk their favourite players.<p>

Ron, Hermione, Maka, Liz and Patty were in the top row, while Neville, Seamus and Dean were in the next row. The three boys held up a sheet Trevor had ruined (he used it for target practice). Fortunately they had turned it into a banner which read "Death the Kid for President". Dean, who was good at drawing, had done two large Gryffindor lions facing each other (Maka insisted on the design to maintain symmetry). Then Hermione had preformed a tricky little charm that caused the paint to change colours.

Meanwhile, in the Gryffindor dressing room, Kid and the rest of the team changed into scarlet (Slytherin would be playing in green).

Wood cleared his throat for silence.

"Okay, men," he said.

"And women," said Chaser Angelina Johnson.

"And women," Wood agreed. "This is it."

"The big one," said Fred Weasley.

"The one we've all been waiting for," said George Weasley.

"We know Oliver's speech by heart," Fred told Kid. "We were on the team last year."

"Shut up, you two," said Wood. "This is the best team we've had in years. Provided our Seeker isn't mysteriously put out of action we're going to win. I know it."

He glared at them all as if to say, "Or else."

"Right. It's time. Good luck, all of you."

Kid followed Fred and George outside of the dressing room and, hoping he wouldn't instantaneously pass out from the asymmetry, stepped out onto the patch to loud cheers.

Madam Hooch, in a full-body cast from Black Star's tackle, was refereeing. She stood - um, was located - in the middle of the pitch.

"Now, I want a nice clean game, all of you," she said once they were all gathered around her. She seemed to be speaking particularly to Marcus Flint, the Slytherin sixth-year captain. He reeked of alcohol.

A disclaimer bar ran above his head, displaying such messages as "Please drink responsibly" and "Don't drink and fly, whatever this guy does."

Tearing his eyes away from the disclaimer, Kid noticed the "Death the Kid for President", and particularly the symmetrical lions. He instantly felt better.

"Mount your brooms, please."

Soul clambered onto his Nimbus 2000. Kid was trying to estimate the exact centre of his broom, trying desperately to fabricate some sense of symmetry.

"Just get on, already!" shouted impatient players from both sides.

"Fine," Kid muttered and did just that.

Madam Hooch gave a loud blast on her whistle. Fourteen brooms rose into the air.

For some reason Lee Jordan, the twins' friend, did the commentary.

"-And the Quaffle is taken immediately by Angelina Johnson of Gryffindor, who then proceeds to whack Adrian Pucey of Slytherin in the face with it - personally he could do with some plastic surgery -"

"Jordan!"

"Then again, the Quaffle could flatten that nose just fine-"

"JORDAN!"

"Sorry, McGonagall."

Fortunately Professor McGonagall was there to block the most biased comments. But yeah, you get the idea.

Some minor characters fought for the Quaffle with an eventual score by Gryffindor. Naturally the Gryffindors burst into cheers while the Slytherins booed as loudly since the night Ron almost joined their ranks.

"Budge up there, move along."

"NO!"

Hagrid was trying to join the coveted top row but was being pushed back by Liz and Patty (who had a grudge ever since he kidnapped Kid), which the help of Maka and Hermione (who realized that Hagrid would just squish them all).

"Bin watching from me hut -!"

"Stalker!" Neville exclaimed.

"What's new?" Liz muttered under her breath.

* * *

><p>High up above the pitch, Soul and Kid circled the field. Soul was actually trying to find the snitch. Kid was trembling from the asymmetry taking place below him.<p>

"You know, you're kind putting me at a massive advantage," Soul commented. "Unless this is just a strategy to let me find the Snitch, then dart after me when I do find it."

"The twins are separated!" Kid wailed. "What horrible asymmetry!"

Whether he was referring to the Weasley twins or the Bludgers it was hard to tell. Both were rocketing around the pitch in an exceedingly uncoordinated fashion.

"...I'll take that as a no."

* * *

><p>The game continued.<p>

"Slytherin in possession," Lee Jordan was saying. "Chaser Pucey ducks two Bludgers from the twins - must also have the surgery idea - and a charging Chaser Bell and tries to reach the goalposts before any more people try to - was that the Snitch?"

Indeed, a flash of gold appeared to be calmly perched on the Slytherin Chaser's head.

Kid and Soul glanced at each other. _Action time!_

They both dived down toward the very confused Pucey. For some reason Kid was slightly faster. He reached out his arm to catch the -

Fwoosh swoop CRASH "Beer beer beer-" "Alcohol is proven to -"

That was the sound of Pucey having the sense to fly away, Kid turning and following him while Soul continued on but crashed into Marcus Flint, who had intended to block Kid, singing "Beer beer beer-" all the while as the disclaimer played.

The Slytherins howled in confusion.

"Foul.." Soul moaned, holding onto his off-course broom for dear life.

Meanwhile Kid had stopped to admire the scene of the twins each batting away a Bludger in near-synchronized fashion. The Snitch fluttered away, out of sight.

Madam Hooch spoke to Flint in confusion as to why he evoked his own Seeker. Flint sheepishly explained he was trying to block Kid, who was too fast for him.

She deemed that nearly killing off his own Seeker was punishment enough and the game continued.

"So after that disgusting bit of cheating was cleverly foiled-"

"Jordan-"

"I mean, after that backfired, but still revolting foul-"

"Jordan, I am warning you-"

"All right, Flint nearly kills his own Seeker by accident while trying to kill the other one - could happen to anyone, really - Quidditch continues as normal-"

It was when Kid dodged one of the Bludgers that it happened. His broom gave a sudden, frightening lurch. He figured it was the asymmetry of the solo Bludger, which offset the natural balance of his broom.

However, it soon happened again, as if the broom was trying to buck him off. Nimbus Two Thousands were not supposed to suddenly buck their riders. Then again, what did Kid know about racing brooms? Besides, it was clearly the Bludger's fault. _Obviously_ the asymmetry was out to get him.

Kid decided to turn back toward the Gryffindor goal posts and ask Wood about the matter - but realized he could no longer control the broom at all! It was zigzagging through the air and every once in a while seemed to have broom seizures which almost unseated him.

"That cursed Bludgerrrrr!" Kid shouted in the entire process.

Lee commentated.

"Chaser Bell has the Quaffle - is knocked by a Bludger- taken by Flint - Slytherin score *sigh* while Kid appears to be auditioning for Britain's Worst Flyers…"

Kid's broom seemed to be edging toward the staff's stand. Hagrid stalked the broom through the binoculars.

"If I didn't know better, I'd say he lost control of his broom, but he can't have."

"I CAN'T SEE!" Maka shouted, whacking Hagrid in the head with her book.

Meanwhile, people all over the stands pointed at Kid's broom, currently doing rollovers. Suddenly, it gave a wild jerk, and Kid fell off it, managing to grip the broom with one hand.

"Did something happen to it when Flint failed to block him?" wondered Seamus. "As retaliation, I mean?"

"Can't have," Hagrid mumbled, close to fainting from Maka's blows. "Drunk as he is, I don't think a sixth year has the skills necessary to jinx a broom."

Back on the pitch, Kid declared out loud, "You shall torment me no longer, O cursedly solo Bludger!" And with that he let go of the broom…

* * *

><p>If the out-of-control broom didn't catch people's attention, the suicidal seeker certainly did. Lee shouted various exclamations not normally found in heavily censored dubbed anime. He fell toward the approaching ground…<p>

All of a sudden, Soul grabbed the scruff of Kid's uniform and pulled him onto his own broom. Soul added some more expletives that most certainly would not have made the cut in an ordinary episode of Soul Eater.

"Not by fault a Bludger jinxed my broom," Kid grumbled.

"Dude, I don't think it's the Bludger that…OH, FOR THE LOVE OF-"

Kid's broom shot down towards them. In the middle of a blue streak, Soul noticed the stands support nearby, and instinctively he shot toward them.

Hermione grabbed Hagrid's binoculars (who was on the verge of fainting anyway) and quickly scanned the crowd.

"I knew it!" Hermione gasped. "Snape! Look!"

Ron grabbed the binoculars. In the staff stand opposite them, Snape had his eyes fixed on them, and was muttering non-stop.

* * *

><p>Soul and Kid raced through the rafters as Kid's broom smashed the supports behind them.<p>

"I think this is an action sequence to please those three people who never read the book," Soul commented, "who otherwise are stuck sitting through 2.5 hours of incomprehensible dialogue."

"I'd agree," mused Kid, "but I'm too busy being tormented by the asymmetry in here."

Soul abruptly jerked the broom up, and they crashed through a stand…

* * *

><p>"Obviously, he's jinxing the broom," Hermione noted.<p>

"What should we do?" Ron cried out in despair.

"Leave it to me, so you can stay here and be cannon fodder."

"_Hey, I resent that-_"

With that, she slipped off to the staff stand.

* * *

><p>"Yahoo!" cried Black Star. "I'm a hitch hiker!"<p>

Soul and Kid groaned. They had emerged at the Hufflepuff stands…and right under Black Star's seat at that. Soul guided the broom in a rough drive away from the stands. Kid's rogue broom popped out from the Soul-shaped hole in the stands, exactly where they had been a heartbeat ago.

Fact: Brooms, even racing ones, were not manufactured with the intention to carry three people at once. Thus, Soul did not have full control of his broom, and it was going slower.

"#$)&#)*&", Soul swore.

The rogue broom was almost upon them, ready to knock them off. It seemed to be hurting them toward the staff stands. There was only one thing to do…

* * *

><p>Hermione stopped where she was, approximately half way around the pitch, and stopped and gasped in horror. Soul, Kid, and Black Star (she recognized him from the flying class incident) were diving straight at the staff stands!<p>

* * *

><p>"NOOO!" Crona screeched from the Slytherin stands.<p>

* * *

><p>"SOUL!" Whether Maka was screaming out of fear for her partner or his idiocy was hard to tell.<p>

Patty covered her eyes while her sister hugged her for support.

"Black Star!" Tsubaki wailed in horror.

* * *

><p><em>"Kid, what are you doing?"<em>

Lord Death was watching the match on his mirror. He covered his eyes.

Sensing the tense atmosphere, Joe did not do the Rumba dance.

"Oh Lord, grant Kid a peaceful arrival into your divine arms…" Justin murmured.

"Ummm, why am I here?", wondered Harry Potter.

* * *

><p>"Aahahaha!" cackled Medusa, watching all this on her crystal ball. "Now, Soul Eater, how will the black blood in your body respond to a bad situation like this...?"<p>

* * *

><p>"So many...lost...childhood...memories…." Eruka sniffed while watching a rerun of the Muppets.<p>

* * *

><p>Somewhat anticlimatically, Soul's broom rammed into the staff stand. Black Star sailed through the air and was catapulted into Quirrel's face, while Soul and Kid ended up tumbling into Snape.<p>

Conveniently, the curse was broken. Kid's broom coasted to a stop beside the stand. Soul and Kid paused for a minute, reflecting upon their little adventure. Black Star busied himself trying to catch Snape in a stranglehold, apparently attempting to take his soul.

In the meantime, Kid appeared to be choking on something. Soul, still close by, helpfully performed the Heimlich maneuver on him. A glittering gold object popped out of Kid's mouth and into his outstretched hand.

"It's the Snitch!" exclaimed Kid.

However, he quickly fainted because the Snitch was off-centre, and the game ended in complete confusion.

_Next time: Hermione's deduction! Christmas preparations!_

* * *

><p>Author's Public Service Announcement: Report impaired flyers using your owl! (But make sure you're safely on the ground first!)<em><br>_


	28. It's Christmas in the Wizarding World

**It's Christmas in the Wizarding World  
><strong>

Author's Note: Yeah, this chapter is kinda short...I'm saving up my ideas for later chapters, I guess.

* * *

><p>Apparently Flint claimed Kid was an elephant, so that voided his capture. The other Slytherin players had the sense to take their captain to the hospital wing.<p>

Soul, Kid, Crona, and Black Star were also taken to the hospital wing for various reasons. The other DWMA students gathered around them.

"I still think it was an incredibly stupid idea," Maka reminded them, "even taking his psychopathic broom into account."

"Why did it go wonky anyway?" wondered Black Star. "I could understand if someone sabotaged a broom to assassinate me and my starness, but why you?"

"Who could even do it in the first place?" Tsubaki added.

Suddenly Ron and Hermione burst into the wing, not holding hands. They too had become friends since the Troll Incident. But only friends.

"It was Snape!" Ron shouted. "Hermione and I saw him. He was cursing your broomstick, Kid, and muttering something too. He wouldn't take his eyes off of you."

At those words, it clicked. "Of course!" Kid exclaimed. "He was making my broom go closer to him."

Hermione shook her head. "Yeah, and gave you a free simulator ride experience. No, Kid, he was trying to kill you!"

"Oh, I hadn't thought of that."

"Rubbish!" shouted Hagrid, who was also in the hospital wing, due to Maka's book wielding skillz. "Why would Snape do something like that?"

"Maybe he is trying to kill me…then study my dead body," Kid shrugged.

"Wait!" shouted Ron. "He did something weird on Hallowe'en, don't you remember? He had those big muzzles. "

Hagrid gasped. "You mean he was after Fluffy?"

Everyone stared at him blankly.

"Fluffy is my pet three-headed dog," said Hagrid.

Maka whacked him on the head with a book again. "Stay fainted!" she shouted.

"Philosophers…Guard….Nicholas Flamel…"

Hagrid fainted.

"So…..Snape's trying to get past a three-headed dog named Fluffy, and he also tried to kill Kid," summarized Ron.

"I was with you on Hallowe'en," Kid offered, "but I don't think Snape saw us. He can't be trying to hide the evidence."

The discussion went on like this, but no conclusions were made. Ron turned to leave, but Hermione stayed behind. She then asked the DWMA students as a whole, "Who are you?"

* * *

><p>Black Star was the first to speak.<p>

"For starters, I'm Black Star the awesome, there's Maka the whiny, Kid the OCD-" the blue-haired boy was interrupted.

"Maybe I should rephrase that," admitted Hermione. "What are you?"

When they said nothing she continued, "Back on Hallowe'en I noticed that you two -" she pointed to Liz and Patty, "turned into guns. Now, either you, Kid, know high-leveled transfiguration or this is an extremely rare variation of animagi transformation."

"And what exactly is anima-tumis?" wondered Black Star out loud.

"When a witch or wizard is able to take on an alternate animal form. Except in your case that'd be a gun."

Kid did some quick mental calculations. Since Hermione had already figured out the whole we-can-turn-into-weapons thing, he might as well come clean.

"You're mostly right," he carefully revealed. "It's mostly genetic, though."

"One more thing…" Hermione continued. "Why have you come to Hogwarts?"

"Because of me," Kid admitted, and then told her everything.

* * *

><p>The Weasley twins were punished for trying to defeated Lord Voldemort prematurely. Despite it being a very convenient weapon, they would apparently have to turn to something subtler than a snowball to torment the back of Quirrel's turban with...though George was thinking a hand grenade might do the trick.<p>

The lake froze over, but Snape calmly set up a fish tank in his classroom for the giant squid. Speaking of Snape, his Potions classes were akin to walking into a refrigerator, and the students huddled around their cauldrons for warmth.

The Slytherins, in fear of the dungeon dorms freezing over, slept in the hospital wing. Crona kept locking the door every night so Snape couldn't get in and stalk them. In their sleep.

Ever since the Quidditch match Malfoy mocked how a wide mouthed tree frog would be replacing Kid next. However, this caused a frog who called herself Eruka to follow him around, asking him for more details about this tree frog - what sign he was, his skin color, what he transformed into - so Malfoy dropped the subject.

Students were allowed to go home over Christmas holidays. Of the DWMA students, only Maka was doing so, and this to make sure Blair hadn't unfortunately died in their absence.

Black Star was excited to have a near-empty castle to himself, so naturally Tsubaki had to stay to supervise. Soul was also staying behind, for the possible chance of toilet-papering Malfoy's stuff.

Crona, realizing his true home was more messed up than Hogwarts could ever be, stayed as well.

Death the Kid was undecided, due to a rather upsetting letter:

_Hiya Kid,_

_I was thinking you should come on home to Death Manor. I know you have lots of stories to tell me! _("Yes, but not the good kind," Kid thought wryly.) _What do you say?_

_Yours truly,_

_Lord Death_

Kid was in quite the dilemma. It was a willing invitation … obviously his father had a surprise in mind - and probably an asymmetric one. On the other hand, this would be the perfect opportunity to ask his father why the $%&% he had been sent to this school on the first place.

Oh, what to do?

Fortunately, a reprieve arrived about two days before holidays. Quarantined in the hospital wing Kid wrote,

_Can't - I think I've caught the flu and don't feel much like moving at all. Best if I rest over the holidays._

_Death the Kid_

It wasn't so bad in the hospital wing. After all, the beds were arranged in such a beautifully symmetrical fashion!

Maka clearly remembered the names "Philospher's Stone" and "Nicholas Flamel" and was giving him books to read on the subject while confined to bed.

Speaking of books,the school library had a very bizarre librarian. Madam Pince was supposedly, if Black Star was to be believed, a large brown creature with clawed hand and two large spikes pincers on her head. **(1)**

Madam Pince was also scary when she needed to be. Black Star was trying to go into the restricted section when Madam Pince charged at him head-first, screeching "PIN PIN PINSIR" all the way.

Maka made the DWMA students promise to look for more information in her absence, then she was off to Death City.

* * *

><p>Once there, however, she received a nasty surprise - Blair wasn't home, and someone far more unpleasant was!<p>

"Maka!" Spirit exclaimed, popping out from behind her couch. "I can't believe I'm finally seeing you-"

WHACK!

"Tell me where Blair is," Maka demanded, holding up her hardcover Physics tome, "or next time I'll find something bigger than a book."

"I don't know!" Spirit protested. "One day she came up to one and whispered in that sweet voice of hers, 'I'm sorry, but I'm headed elsewhere,' and in a crack she was gone!"

"Never mind Blair, then," Maka continued the pseudo-interrogation. "Why are you in my house?"

"Well - um, Blair wasn't the only one who - er, had taken off -"

* * *

><p>The holidays flew by. Soul toilet papered the Slytherin common room. Kid slept a lot.<p>

On Christmas Eve, Soul climbed the stairs to the hospital wing, where he and Crona were still sleeping.

When he got there, he noticed Crona staring at something.

"There's someone in my bed…" he whimpered. "And it's not Goldilocks...not hat I could deal with her any better..."

"What -?" Soul exclaimed, but soon found himself being tackled by a skimpily-clad Blair.

"So good to see you!" the kitty-turned-witch squealed.

Crona was never properly taught about human relationships, so was just confused as Soul's nose bled like an oil spill. "What's going on?" he asked.

"Oh?" Blair turned around and faced the confused boy. "Would you like to indulge in Blair's-"

"No!" protested Crona. "I can't deal with this!"

"She only patted your head," Soul groaned. "It gets worse from there."

Death the Kid briefly looked up from his bed. "Could you keep it down? I was having a dream with perfectly aligned stairs … until you showed up."

"Do you need a wittle wove too?" Blair made puppy-dog (or kitty?) eyes.

"No thank you. Making love is very unsymmetrical." With that Kid somehow fell asleep.

_Next time: The obligatory Weasley jumpers! Fun with an Invisibility Cloak!_

* * *

><p><strong>(1) <strong>Am I the only one who always associates Madam _Pince _with the Pokémon _Pinsir_?


	29. The Twelve Jumpers of Christmas

**The Twelve Jumpers of Christmas  
><strong>

Kid was not expecting very many Christmas presents. Or at least, they would be unsymmetrical ones. However, the first thing he noticed when he woke up on Christmas morning was a pile of presents at the foot of the hospital bed.

The second thing he noticed was Maka, Soul, Black Star, Tsubaki, Liz, Patty, Crona, Blair and Spirit looking down at him.

_"Stalkers!"_ he cried.

"Merry Christmas!" the group chorused happily despite this accusation.

Even in Kid's antibiotic clouded, headachy mind, something was not quite right with this scene…

Aha! That's it.

"Maka … weren't you supposed to not be here?" Kid demanded.

Maka shrugged. "Change of plans."

"I'm serious. How did you get here without using the train?

Her dad stepped forward. "You know how my daughter's partner has a motocycle?"

Kid nodded.

"Well … my motorcycle flies."

"No. I just think it's a massive plot hole."

"Oh, one other thing…" Spirit said. "You're, um, going to have a visitor…later…"

"Hmm?" Kid looked up, "what was that?'

"Oh nothing," Spirit futilely tried to brush it off.

One of Kid's packages was rather lumpy in shape. He was about to shun it forever due to its asymmetry when Ron suddenly burst into the hospital wing.

"I had to check - if she gave you one," Ron panted. He caught sight of the pile of packages. "Oh no…" he breathed.

The vast majority of the packages were equally lumpy and were in fact addressed to the various DWMA students.

"She made you all Weasley jumpers," Ron groaned.

Maka, curiously sufficiently aroused, opened her package. A burgundy hand-knitted sweater tumbled out, along with a box of fudge. It was marked with a gold M.

Soul had an emerald sweater with an S on it. His came with Pumpkin pastries.

Black Star's jumper was black … with a star on it. He eagerly pulled it on and jumped around like his birthday came early.

Tsubaki, armed with a pastel yellow sweater with a T, seemed just as perplexed over the affair as the other students.

Kid was measuring his periwinkle K-emblazed sweater while Liz and Patty almost mixed up their jumpers. One was lilac with a P, and the other royal purple with an L, so they probably did it to annoy Kid … who was preoccupied anyway.

Meanwhile Crona struggled greatly with his magenta jumper.

"I don't like pink," he moaned. "Sometimes it gives me the hives, and I can't deal with that."

Ron held a maroon jumper in his hands.

Suddenly Fred and George bounded into the hospital wing, wearing blue jumpers with an F and G on them in some order.

"Merry Christmas!"

"Hey look - they all have Weasley jumpers!"

Spirit and Blair tired of being ignored, strode off to a vacant bed, pulled up the sheets, and started doing unmentionable acts of love. And asymmetry.

"Kid's is better than ours," remarked Fred, snatching it away from Kid. "She obviously makes more of an effort if you're not family."

"Mm what?" asked Soul around a mouth full of pumpkin pastry. Maka hit him with a Feng-Shui book she got from Kid as a present.

"Why aren't you wearing yours?" George demanded of Ron.

"They're nice and cozy warm once you get inside," added Fred, walking towards Crona.

"I hate maroon," Ron moaned. Crona just shook his head anxiously.

"You haven't got a letter on yours," George remarked to Ron as he went to join his twin. Together they tried to pull the magenta jumper over Crona. "I suppose she thinks you don't forget your name."

"Let me go!" Crona protested, thrashing about.

"But we're not stupid," Fred called out while trying to subdue an increasingly agitated Crona. "We know we're called Gred and Forge."

"What's all this noise? You do realize this is the hospital wing, correct?"

It was Percy. He was carrying a lumpy jumper under one arm and had arrived just in time to see Crona bite one of the twins on the arm.

Deciding Crona was too hostile a subject, the twins charged at Percy, crying, "Put yours on!"

"I-don't-want-" Percy protested as the twins grabbed his jumper.

"Yes you do!" cried Black Star, tackling the Prefect to the ground. With the Hufflepuff's help Percy became jumpered.

"And you're not sitting with the prefects today, either," said George. "Christmas is a time of family."

Ron quickly looked for a place to dispose of his jumper before the twins came after him. He was saved by Spirit, whose head popped up from behind the curtains. Ron heroically threw the jumper.

"Thanks!" said Spirit, catching the jumper. "Now Maka and I will match!"

Maka seethed with annoyance.

Kid was about to open his final present when a thought struck him. "Blair," he asked, "how the $#% did you get here in the first place?"

Blair giggled. "I Apparated. But JK won't think of this concept until later on in the series, and even then you can only start practicing it at 16."

"...It sounds too unsymmetrical," Kid deadpanned.

* * *

><p>At last there was only one parcel left to open. It had a note on top. Learning his lesson the easy way with the Nimbus 2000, Kid read the note first:<p>

_Caution: Deathly Hallow contained within. Do not give to Lord Voldemort by accident._

Frowning, Kid opened it as the various DWMA students gathered to watch.

Something fluid and silver-gray went slithering to the floor, where it lay in gleaming folds.

Ron gasped. "I've heard of those. If that's what I think it is - they're really rare, and _very_ valuable. Because there's only one, and it's in a collection of other 'powerful' one-of-a-kind items that aren't even revealed until about halfway into the very last book."

Black Star picked up the item curiously. "Looks like snake skin," he commented.

"It's an invisibility cloak, aka a Deathly Hallow!" Ron exclaimed. "I'm sure it is - try it on."

Kid the rightful owner was bedridden, so Black Star took on the responsibility. He threw the cloak around his shoulders.

"It is! Look down!"

Black Star looked down at his feet, but they had vanished. Crona fainted from fright while Tsubaki screamed in horror. The other DWMA students just looked on in confusion.

"I'm a disembodied head, yay!" Black Star screamed.

"A note came out," Ron pointed out.

Black Star picked the paper up and handed it to Kid - it was his present, after all. Written in narrow, loopy handwriting Kid had never seen before, the note read:

_Your father left this in my possession before he died. It is time it was returned to you._

_Use it well._

_A Very Merry Christmas to you._

Kid was horribly confused. This must have been someone else's present, because last time he checked Lord Death was still on this Earth.

There was no signature.

"I'd give anything for one of these," Ron declared, admiring the cloak. "_Anything._ What's the matter?"

"Nothing," said Kid. He felt very strange. Evidently this cloak came from a stalker - but was the cloak really intended for him? And did it really belong to his father? And was his father dead, in that case?

Ah, the complicated affairs of the Death family.

Before he could say or do anything more a black form crashed through one of the windows and knocked into him!

Kid, once he recovered, gasped in shock at the figure now lying on top of him.

"I'm very sorry, son!" Lord Death apologized. "I lost control of my hovercraft!"

Crona unfainted, only to almost faint again from more shock.

"Anyhow, I heard that you were sick, son, so I came all the way here to personally give you best wishes and a very Merry Christmas!"

There was a pause to let the sentimentality soak in.

"But wait!" protested Maka. "You aren't supposed to leave the Death Room! Or all *^&* breaks loose! Because of the-"

"It's Christmas," Death shrugged. "No one's going to atack on Christmas."

In the background Maka mouthed, "Plothole!"

After that was a scrumptious Christmas dinner. A hundred fat, juicy turkeys, boiled potatoes, and other assorted yummy things, plus a literal mountain of Christmas cookies.

It was all well and good, but there was only one thing on Kid's mind that evening - getting back to the hospital wing and trying on that cloak.

Madam Pomfrey had declared him almost recovered, and he would return to the dormitory the next day. Therefore, he would have had to pick up the cloak anyway.

* * *

><p>Ron fell asleep instantly, full of yummy turkeys and cake and nothing mysterious to bother him. Other than the fact he ate more than one turkey but only one cake.<p>

Kid, meanwhile, had a more convoluted evening. Outside the hospital wing, Percy was chasing Fred and George, who had stolen his Prefect badge.

Kid ignored all this and entered the hospital wing. Making sure everyone was asleep in a stalkerish way, he snatched the cloak from underneath his bed.

His father's…this had been his father's, apparently, who was definitely _not_ dead...at least, in the conventional sense. Maybe his father was really a zombie in disguise, which was why he needed to wear a mask all the time…

Never mind, this was getting too complicated.

_Use it well, _the note had said.

Kid had an evil idea. He could use this cloak to sneak out…out of Hogwarts itself and finally escape all the asymmetry! Yes, what an ingenious plan!

But wait…he had promised to Maka to find out information about the Philosopher's Stone and/or Nicholas Flammel. And if he broke that promise…it would be one *&*( of a book-whacking for him, and that would leave bruises - which would offset his symmetry!

Besides, he thought as Kid wrapped the cloak around himself, it would be prudent to alert the other DWMA students before attempting escape.

Or, his symptoms of his flu might reappear while on the lam, which is never a good thing.

Dismissing all of these thoughts, Kid crept out of the hospital wing and down the corridor.

Tonight his destination would be the Restricted Section. He would read all he wanted until he rediscovered the Philosopher's Stone - even though he had clearly not been in the library before, and thus didn't hear about the stone there.

The library was very dark. Naturally. Kid stole a lamp from…somewhere? He lit it and held it in front of him. The sight of his disembodied hand was actually quite creepy.

The Restricted Section was at the very back of the library. He stepped over the measly rope guarding that section, and held up his lamp to read he titles.

They didn't tell Kid much. The letters were either faded, in languages Kid didn't understand, or both. One titleless book even had what looked suspiciously like a blood stain. This didn't bother Kid, though he was concerned about the possibility of a massive paper cut. All in all, the books weren't very symmetrical.

Kid had to start somewhere. He noticed an interesting-looking, black and silver volume. He pulled it out - it was rather heavy - lay it on his lap, and opened it.

A piercing, blood-curling shriek split the silence - the book was screaming!

_"I will NEVER say NEVER!"_

Kid snapped the offending book shut but the shriek went on and on, one never-ending voice.

_"Baby baby baby ooOOOoooHHhhh-"_

He stumbled backwards and knocked over his lamp, which went out at once.

_"It's Friday, Friday, gotta get down on FRIDAY-"_

Panicking, he heard footsteps come down the hall - stuffing the shrieking book back on the shelf he ran for it. He passed Filch almost in the doorway, who looked rather irritated.

"Out of all the books, he picked _Justin Bieber and Other Annoying Modern-Day Artists_," the caretaker grumbled, covering his ears.

Kid used this opportunity to duck under Filch's arms and streak down the corridor.

He came to a sudden halt by a suit of armour, realizing he had no idea where the &*(^( he was.

"You asked me to come directly to you, Professor, if there was anyone wandering around at night, and someone's been in the library - Restricted Section."

&*)(&*. Filch must have known a shortcut, for his greasy, raspy voice was drawing nearer, and to his horror it was Snape who replied.

"The Restricted Section? Well, they can't be far."

Kid froze to the spot as Filch and Snape rounded the corner. They couldn't see him, of course, but the corridor was rather narrow and they would bump into him eventually. The cloak didn't stop him from being solid.

Instinctively sensing something unsymmetrical nearby, Kid looked over his shoulder. There was an ajar door to his left.

That gave Kid an idea. He held his breath and managed to squeeze through without their noticing anything.

He was in a disused classroom. There were desks and chairs pushed up against one another in the centre of the room, and four upturned waste baskets in the corners. However, there was also something there that didn't fit in a classroom.

It was a mirror, and an exceptionally elaborate one at that. It was almost as tall as Excalibur's hat, had an ornate gold frame, and stood on two clawed feet. There was an inscription carved at the top:

_Elp oep elbis ivni reh tof oeso htd naec afru oyy lla ersi._

"What's this?" Kid mused to himself, walking up to the mirror. He had an irrational desire to see himself invisible in the mirror. He stood in front of it.

And gasped.

_Next time: What does Kid see? Is there a clue in the different text?  
><em>


	30. Reflections on Clichéd Chapter Titles

**Reflections (on Clichéd Chapter Titles)  
><strong>

Author's Note 1: If the next few chapters are posted rather eratically, it's because I'm busy doing a writing challenge - basically, writing 100 pages in script format by the end of April. Unfortunately I won't be able to share the results of my creative endeavour because Fanfiction disallows stories in script format. In order to post it I'd have to rewrite the whole thing, and thus negate the entire reason to do it in script format.

Author's Note 2: For those of you musing that Kid saw a symmetrical paradise or such, you're definitely on the right track, it's just that - well, see for yourself.

* * *

><p>Death the Kid whirled around, his heart pounding more furiously than when the book screamed - for he had not only seen himself in the mirror, but a crowd of people with him.<p>

But at a glance, he saw the room was empty. Breathing very fast, he slowly turned back to the mirror.

There again he was reflected in it, white and scared looking, along with at least ten others.

Kid looked around the room - but there was no one there. Or were they all invisible too? Was he in a room of invisible people and this mirror's trick was that they reflected them, invisible or not?

Wait, that wasn't very logical. He knew perfectly well that invisibility ≠ non-solidness, so wouldn't he bump into someone sooner or later?

He looked in the mirror again. There was an incredibly short young man with curly brown hair and piercing blue eyes. A tall man with a white mask covering half his face was serenading. A scrawny black-haired kid in glasses, looking even more scared than Kid was, poked shyly around the reflection. A proud teenager with flaming orange hair was showing off his sword. Various ghost Pokémon were floating around. Giant, metallic flying objects, the likes of which Kid had never seen before, were soaring in the upper reaches of the reflection.

Finally, there was a pale outline of a man, who otherwise had no visible features. He was virtually…well, invisible.

Okay, this was officially too weird, even for a Grim Reaper. Kid forced his gaze away from the mirror, suspecting that this was some kind of Magic Tool of Eibon designed to make people go insane.

It was then that he noticed an identical mirror located directly across the room, along with more pushed-aside desks and chairs.

Kid smiled. Well, at least this room had symmetry.

He instinctively walked over to the other mirror. "What's this?" he mused once more.

This mirror had an inscription that read: _Erised stra ehru oyt ube cafru oyt on wohsi_. Kid stood in front of it, expecting to once again see all of the weird people.

He gasped once again. He whirled around, once again, seeing if any people were there…or at least, visible. Guess what? It was still empty.

Kid turned back to the mirror. Once again he was reflected in it. So were a few others, but ythis time Kid recognized them all.

Liz and Patty stood together, beaming. However, in the mirror they were dressed identically and were roughly the same height. Why, they could pass for identical twins!

Behind them was Lord Death, standing perfectly straight.

And finally, there was himself. Unlike before, he looked calm and collected, and his clothes were neat and symmetrical, as usual. Not a strand of his hair was astray. Speaking of hair, those three white stripes that had plagued him for all his life -

_They were gone._

"SYMMETRY!" Kid exclaimed out loud in pure joy.

* * *

><p>How long Kid stood there and admired his now-symmetrical family he didn't know. The reflections did not fade, and Kid looked and looked until a distant noise brought him to his senses. Wait, he couldn't stay here, he had to go to bed!<p>

He tore his eyes away from his symmetrical self, whispered "I'll be back," and hurried from the room.

* * *

><p>"You could have woken us up," Liz and Patty chastised.<p>

"I was just looking for information, as Maka ordered," Kid mumbled into his breakfast. "You can go tonight, I'm going back. I'll show you the mirror."

"Fine," Liz muttered. "You're the only one that likes symmetrical people, though."

"Can I bring Soul and Crona and Black Star and Tsubaki too?" Patty exclaimed hyperly.

"I suppose if you must."

"Actually, I would like to see what happens with them," Liz commented. "You only saw the Death family in your reflection. Maybe it'll change for them."

Kid tuned her out. He had seen a symmetrical version of his family and would be seeing them again tonight. The Philosopher's Stone didn't seem very important anymore. Nor did anything else, for that matter. Who cared if Snape was a stalker? Who cared if there was something valuable or dangerous inside Hogwarts?

Heck, who cared if a revived Kishin was about to destroy the world as we know it?

Oh wait, Asura and his stalker hair weren't very symmetrical. This was cause for much concern.

"Are you all right?" Ron commented, walking by. "You look odd."

"Hi Ron!" Patty waved. "Wanna come see the mirror tonight?"

Ron stared at her. "Umm, okay, sure."

Kid seethed. How dare they encroach upon his symmetrical-family time!

"Blimey, you look _very _odd now."

* * *

><p>With Liz, Patty, Soul, Crona, Black Star, Tsubaki and Ron all under the cloak with him, they had to walk much slower than when Kid was solo.<p>

Kid considered leading the group astray, and thus have the mirror all to himself, but unfortunately he couldn't remember where the mirror was in the first place.

"Here, we have to go in here," Kid pointed to a door he distinctly remembered was NOT the one he squeezed through. He pushed it open.

Inwardly he groaned. It turned out to be another entrance to the same room. The door Kid had entered was directly opposite him.

At least the room still maintained symmetry.

Eagerly throwing off the cloak, Black Star dashed towards the Mirror of Elp. "I don't see anything!" he shouted in frustration. The group ran up to him.

"Just yourself?" Kid inquired.

"No! I just see - well, nothing!"

"Well, that's bizarre," said Kid. "That's actually the incorrect mirror. I suspect it's secretly a Magic Tool of Eibon, anyway, so be glad it doesn't work on you."

Kid ushered the group towards the Mirror of Erised.

Frodo, Harry Potter, the Phantom of the Opera, the Invisible Man, Ichigo, and the ghost Pokémon cried softly over being blatantly ignored. The spaceships were physically incapable of emotion.

* * *

><p>They were there. The symmetrical versions of his family beamed at him as Kid approached.<p>

"See?" Kid whispered excitedly. "They're so…perfect!"

"I can't see anything," Ron commented.

"Really?" Kid looked crestfallen. "But…the symmetry…it's so beautiful…"

"Nope, don't see it," the group chorused back.

"But you must see!" Kid grabbed the wrist of the nearest person, who happened to be Ron. "Maybe if you looked in it properly…in its exact centre - !"

He pushed Ron in front of the mirror. At once the symmetrical Death family vanished, to be replaced by an image of Ron in his paisley pajamas. Not a very good tradeoff, in Kid's opinion.

Ron seemed very transfixed with his reflection. "Look at me!" he shouted.

"Do you see your family in perfect symmetry?" Kid asked eagerly.

"Umm, no. I'm alone, but I'm different - older, I think - and I'm head boy!"

"_What?_" Kid exclaimed. Whether this was from the shock of his reflection being something totally different or confusion over what the heck a head boy was, we'll never know.

"I am - I have the badge Bill used to wear - and I'm holding the house cup and Quidditch cup - and I'm Quidditch captain, too!"

"And what does this have to do with anything?" Soul rolled his eyes.

Ron turned away from this splendid sight to look excitedly at the group. "D'you think this mirrorcan show the future?"

"So then…" Kid's eyes widened. "...in the future, my family will become symmetrical! _Yes!_"

"Let me try," Soul offered, shoving Ron out of the way. He stared at his reflection, drooling.

"There's unlimited salmon…and Pumpkin pastries galore…oh, and I appear to be a death scythe, too…"

Meanwhile, Tsubaki was curiously poking the Mirror of Elp while Liz and Patty appeared to be fighting over the forgotten Invisibility Cloak.

Soul stepped out of the way so Crona could have a turn. The latter blushed slightly at his reflection. Before he could share his 'future', something pushed him out of the way.

"I wanna see my future!" Black Star cried. "But I bet I'll be such a big star, all of you will see it anyway!"

Judging from all the whooping and hollering he was making at his reflection, the others judged he was no less than Supreme Ruler of the Universe.

After half an hour of this, Tsubaki decided to drag her partner away so the others could have a turn. Naturally, this was about as successful as taking Kid to an abstract art gallery.

"Butt out!" Ron joined the fray. "I only got 45 seconds!"

"My symmetrical family's waiting!"

"And my pumpkin pastries!"

"Little duckie has an umbrella!" Patty sang while tracing shapes on the Mirror of Elp, leaving the cloak behind.

"I can't deal with this…"

A sudden noise outside put an end to the discussion/negotiation/ fight to the death. They hadn't realized how loud they were talking.

As usual.

"Quick!" Ron whispered unnecessarily.

Somehow everyone was able to duck under the cloak just before Mrs. Norris prowled into the room.

_Glitch: Does the cloak work on cats? _Tsubaki mused worriedly. Sometime after Patty fell asleep from sleep deprivation, Mrs. Norris stalked off.

"Don't need Filch intruding on my starness," Black Star muttered darkly. "Let's get the &^*( out of here."

And, somehow, they did.

* * *

><p>"Want to play chess, Kid?" Ron asked the next morning.<p>

"No. Its symmetry is foiled by the kings and queens and that cursed checkerboard pattern."

"Want to walk down to Hagrid's hut?"

"No…the steps are off-centre…"

"I know what you're thinking about, Kid, that mirror. Don't go back tonight."

"Why not?" Kid had already determined that the Mirror of Elp was a magic tool, and magic tools were unsymmetrical, so there couldn't be more than one in the same room. Therefore, the Mirror of Erised was not a magic tool, and was safe to use.

"I dunno. I just have a bad feeling about it…somehow…besides, you've had too many close calls, and even if they can't see you, you might bump into something-"

Kid tuned him out. What a spoilsport. Ron would never understand how precious a symmetrical family was to him!

* * *

><p>The third night Kid found his way more quicker than usual. He was also walking much faster, unconcerned about how much noise he made in the process.<p>

For once, however, Murphy's Law didn't apply, and Kid encountered no one.

And there were the identical Liz and Patty and Lord Death and his reflection without the cursed white stripes. There was nothing to stop him from staying with his symmetrical family all night, nothing at all.

Except-

"Kid, what are you doing?"

Kid turned around rapidly at the voice, involuntarily screaming. It was - his father?

"Albus told me I could find you here," Lord Death chuckled.

"I - I didn't see you, father." After all, Kid was in quite the hurry to get to the mirror. He hadn't even noticed the asymmetry of the suit of armour nearby.

"Strange how short-sighted being invisible can make you," commented Lord Death. Due to his mask, it was impossible to tell if he was smiling.

"So," said Lord Death, hopping over to stand by Kid, "you have come across Hogwarts's Mirrors of Erised and Elp."

Kid frowned. "I didn't know they were called that. Their names don't sound very symmetrical."

"After three visits, do you realize what they do by now?"

"No, not really…but I do know that our family is now SYMMETRICAL!"

Belatedly he added, "And the other one - Elp, I presume - I believe it is a magic tool designed to drive people insane."

Lord Death just shook his head. "And…the Mirror of Erised showed Ron as Head Boy, Soul as a Death Scythe, Black Star as an all-powerful being or such, and Crona-"

"How did you know-?"

"I'm a Grim Reaper. I don't need a cloak to become invisible," Lord Death said gently.

Kid resolved to be much more careful whenever he found himself alone.

"Now, can you think of what the mirrors show us all?"

Kid shook his head. He just wanted his father to GO AWAY so he could resume enjoying his symmetrical family in peace.

"Maybe some examples will help! Let me see...the happiest man on Earth would see himself in the Mirror of Erised, and thus use it like a normal mirror…and may or may not see anything in the Mirror of Elp. Does that help?"

"Erised shows us what we want…whatever we want…and I already established that Elp is a magic tool."

"Yes and no," said Death quietly. "Let's start with Elp, because that's simpler in theory. If you are visible, it shows you nothing. Yet, if you are yourself invisible, it shows you other invisible people from different canons. And no, it's not a magic tool. Doesn't that make perfect sense?"

Kid was too anxious to see his symmetrical family again to respond.

"Next, the Mirror of Erised shows us nothing more or less than the deepest, most desperate desire of our hearts. You see a more 'perfect' version of the Death family, obviously. Ronald Weasley, who has always been overshadowed by his brothers, is shown as the best of them. Black Star is shown as…well, you get the point, don't you, son? However, the mirror is just that: a reflection of the deepest desire of our hearts. Men have wasted away before it, entranced by what they have seen, or been driven mad, not knowing if what it shows is real or even possible. At least, that's what Albus told me. Anywho, Albus says he will move the mirror tomorrow. I suggest you do not go looking for it, if you do not wish to die a…err, never mind. In the unlikely event you do come across it again, you will be prepared. Now, why don't you use that admirable plot device and trot up to bed? We can talk more in the morning, if you want."

Kid stood up. Come to think of it, he _was _quite tired.

"Father, may I ask you something?"

"Why, of course!" Lord Death chuckled.

"What do you and Crona see in the mirror?"

"I? I see myself with a model train."

Kid stared at him.

"One can never have enough model trains. Another Christmas has come and gone and I haven't received a single one. People insist on giving me Windex for my mirror (which is actually quite useful) and assorted sharp, pointy objects. Oh, and you keep giving me rulers to check my symmetry. And as for what Crona saw…"

Kid passed out from sleep deprivation.

_Next time: Snape referees the upcoming Hufflepuff match! Time to take desperate measures!_


	31. Quidditch Match Abridged

**Quidditch Match Abridged  
><strong>

Author's Note: The mirror is, technically speaking, called Elp Oep elbi svni, but is shortened to Elp because the former is quite the mouthful. Lord Death apologizes for any confusion inadvertently caused.

* * *

><p>Deciding his father had a point, Kid did not go looking for the Mirror of Erised again, and the Invisibility Cloak remained neatly folded in the bottom of his trunk for the rest of the holidays.<p>

However, Kid was soon plagued by nightmares. Over and over again he dreamed of the symmetrical versions of the Death family vanishing in a flash of green light, all while a voice cackled with evil laughter _"Mwahaha! Be cursed with unsymmetrical hair!" _

"You see, Dumbledore was right, you could be driven mad by that mirror," Ron noted when Kid told him of the dreams. Liz and Patty, meanwhile, blamed the dreams on Kid's obsession with symmetry, just like they did with all of Kid's nightmares.

Hermione, who had arrived the day before term started, took a different view of things. She was torn between the horror of Kid being out of bed, roaming the school three nights in a row ("If Filch had caught you -!"), and disappointment that he hadn't at least found out what the Philosopher's Stone or Nicholas Flamel was.

Maka settled on one book-whacking punishment because Kid at least _tried_ to find something.

Both topics proved as elusive as ever. Despite his total failure in the Restricted Section, Kid, Ron, Hermione and the other DWMA students continued to check the library, Madam Pince watching them all the while.

There was also Quidditch practices for Kid and Soul. Wood was working the team harder than ever. The Weasley twins complained that Wood was being more of a fanatic than usual, but Kid was on the Keeper's side. If Gryffindor could beat Hufflepuff in their next match, they would be in first place for the House Cup, mostly due to an extremely convoluted points system.

Kid, incidentally, found that he had fewer nightmares about the death of his symmetrical family if he was tired out from the unsymmetrical training. In his mind, it was the lesser of the two evils.

Then, during a particularly rainy, muddy, pessimistic training session, Wood shared some bad news after the Weasley twins dive-bombed each other for comic relief.

"Will you stop messing around!" Wood shouted. "That's the sort of thing that'll lose us the match, because Snape's refereeing! Naturally, I couldn't reveal this small fact sooner!"

George fell of his broom.

"He won't be fair if we have the chance to overtake his dear Slytherins," he commented wryly once he got to his feet.

The rest of the team landed next to Wood to complain too.

"It's not_ my _fault," muttered Wood. "We'll just have to play a clean game."

* * *

><p>The rest of the team hung back to gossip about...stuff, but Kid headed straight for the common room, where he found Ron and Maka playing chess, the latter of whom appeared to be losing spectacularly.<p>

"Don't talk to me," said Ron when Kid sat next to him, "I need to concen - um, why are you so pale?"

Liz, Patty and Hermione sauntered over to listen in as Kid whispered about the sudden referee change, and Snape's possible motives for doing so.

"This is bad," moaned Ron, "very bad. Didn't he try to kill you-"

"Don't play," Hermione interjected.

"Say you're ill," Patty offered.

"From the asymmetry," Liz added under her breath.

"Pretend to break your leg," Hermione offered.

"_Really _break your leg," said Ron.

"I can't," Kid moaned. "For some reason we don't have a reserve Seeker. If I'm, um, unavailable, Gryffindor can't play at all."

There was an ominous silence over the gathered group.

"Break _their _Seeker's leg," Ron shrugged.

At that moment Trevor dragged a Leg-Locked Neville into the common room.

"_La esperanza nadie notó eso. Los sapos ningunos tienen fuerza estupenda_**(1)**," croaked Trevor.

The common room laughed, except for Hermione, who kindly performed the counter-curse. Neville revealed it was Malfoy who had cursed him, and this led to a learn-to-stand-up-for-yourself-because-this-has-too-many-*(&*(-hyphens-already lecture.

This important moral lesson taught, Ron offered the distraught first year a chocolate frog that materialized out of nowhere. Neville gladly accepted it.

_"¿Usted realiza que éste es canibalismo, la derecha_**(2)**_?" _Trevor muttered disapprovingly.

"Thanks, Ron…I think I'll go up to bed now…" murmured Neville. "...Wait, wasn't there supposed to be a card with this?"

"The hand is quicker than the eye," Ron said simply, revealing the wizard card in his palm.

Shrugging, Neville retreated to bed. Ron looked at his card.

"_I found him!_" he whispered.

"Really?" Hermione's eyebrows raised. "Nicholas Flamel?"

"That little *)(&)(? No. I've finally got a Ptolemy!"

There was much collapsing and sweatdropping on the part of Hermione and the DWMA students.

"I think it's fake, though. There's no biography on the back."

"Don't worry!" exclaimed Hermione. "I've, um - stay right there!"

She sprinted up to the girl's dormitories, coming back momentarily with a massive old book.

"I got this out of the library for some light reading," she panted, brushing off Ron's retort. "I can find some information about Ptolemy in here…"

"I was kidding!" Ron protested.

Unfortunately Hermione was having some technical difficulties finding the correct page. She soon gasped in astonishment.

"Nicholas Flamel…is the _only known maker of the Philosopher's Stone!"_

"Non-sequitor much?" Ron rolled his eyes.

Maka hit him with a book. "You idiot! We've found something important!"

Hermione read out loud:

_That alchemist's dream, the Philosopher's Stone can, like, totally turn metal into gold and BONUS makes the Elixir of Life, which can (OMG!) make the drinker be like totally IMMORTAL! Like, who knew?_

_However, there's like only one in the ENTIRE WORLD right now, and it belongs to some old guy named Nicholas Flamel! _Dang! _Like, don't you totally hate it when that happens?_

"The writing leaves...something to be desired," Hermione commented tactfully. "Still, it's reasonable to think that three-headed dog's guarding the Philosopher's Stone. Immortality, infinite gold...who wouldn't want one?"

* * *

><p>The revelation was so shocking, Kid forgot all about his Quidditch match that week, until he ran into Black Star.<p>

"Yahoo!" the hyperactive kid cried out. "One Hufflepuff Seeker down for the count!"

Kid groaned. He didn't like the sound of this. Keping his voice calm he interrogated, "Dare I ask what you did now?"

"I broke the leg of Cedric Diggory, the Hufflepuff Seeker," Black Star grinned wildly.

Kid glared at him.

"It was an accident!" Black Star protested. "Honest! I was in my History of Magic class, and I was about to show off what a big star I am, when one thing led to another and-"

"It sounds too unsymmetrical," Kid interrupted.

* * *

><p>Asymmetry aside, the incident reminded Kid of the upcoming Quidditch match. Though, as Black Star had said, the other team's Seeker was down. Perhaps the match would be cancelled, and Kid would be free from its asymmetry!<p>

However, as the match drew nearer, the Grim Reaper became more and more nervous. Why weren't they making a formal announcement that the match was cancelled?

The rest of the team were nervous too, but for other reasons. Overtaking Slytherin in the house championship would be wonderful, no one had done it in six years - just as no one had overtaken Gryffindor in the many years before that - but would they be allowed to with such a biased referee?

Kid didn't know if he was imagining it or not, but he seemed to bump into Snape wherever he went. At times, he even wondered if Snape was following him more than usual, trying to catch him on his own.

Potions class was turning into a sort of weekly torture, Snape was so stalkerish. It was like he wasn't even interested in Malfoy anymore! Could Snape possibly know about their knowing about the Philosopher's Stone? Kid didn't see how he could - yet he sometimes had the horrible feeling that Snape could _read minds..._

* * *

><p>Kid knew, when they wished him luck outside of the changing rooms, that Ron, Hermione, and Maka wondered if they would ever see him alive again. Liz and Patty were concerned Snape would try to kidnap him, and tried to convince Kid to bring along an emergency bottle of 'Snape Repellent', i.e. shampoo.<p>

It was not very comforting. Kid hardly heard a word of Wood's pep talk as he pulled on his Quidditch robes and climbed onto his Nimbus 2000.

Ron, Hermione, Maka, Liz and Patty, meanwhile, had found places in the stands next to Neville, who couldn't understand why they looked so grim, or why the former two had brought their wands to the match. Even more confusing was that Maka had a hardcover, complete edition of _Lord of the Rings, _and Liz and Patty seemed to have bottles of perfume.

Little did he know that Ron and Hermione had been practicing the Leg-Locker Curse individually, and were prepared to use it on Snape. Because interlocked legs will be a great liability to **(_spoiler alert!_)** the future murderer of Dumbledore.

Maka, of course, was prepared to book-whack. Liz and Patty were going to use the perfume as pseudo-pepper spray.

Back in the more normal changing rooms, Wood had pulled Kid aside.

"Don't want to pressure you, mate, but if we ever need an early capture of the Snitch it's now. Finish the game before Snape can favor Hufflepuff too much due to their non-Gryffindorness."

"The whole school's out there!" Fred exclaimed, peering out the door. "Blimey, even Dumbledore's come to watch - and, um, some weirdly dressed man I've never seen before…"

Kid curiously looked out the door. Indeed there was Dumbledore in the stands, alongside -

_"Father?"_ Kid exclaimed in shock.

"No offense, mate, but your family's messed."

He was probably safe. Snape wouldn't dare to try and hurt, kidnap and/or murder him if the headmaster and the freaking Grim Reaper were watching.

Then again, maybe Snape didn't know that. Or was insane enough to try anyway.

Kid tried to take his mind off that by wondering who the replacement Seeker for Hufflepuff would be.

"I've never seen Snape look so mean," Ron said to Hermione as the teams went onto the pitch.

Both Snape and Kid inwardly groaned. Out of all the students of Hufflepuff house, they had to pick the only psychotic one among them.

"Yahoo!" Black Star called out to Snape, his blue hair clashing horribly with the yellow Quidditch robes. ""Nice to see you've recovered from my Flying Cauldron of Awesomeness!"

Snape just shook his head.

"Now, I want a nice, clean game from you Hufflepuffs," Snape drawled. "Gryffindor, feel free to show your cheating colors at any time."

He blew Madam Hooch's 'borrowed' whistle. Fifteen brooms rose into the air.

"Ouch!" Ron exclaimed in the stands. Someone had poked Ron in the back of the head.

It was Malfoy.

"Oh, sorry, Weasley, didn't see you there," he said snidely, voice dripping with sarcasm.

"Excuse me, but the Slytherin stands are over there." Maka helpfully pointed out the emerald-bannered stands.

"That's only in the movie," Malfoy countered. "In the book, houses are apparently free to mingle as they please. Besides, all the Slytherin 7th years are occupying our top row." He glanced at Crabbe and Goyle, who were cracking their knuckles. "We want good seats to watch Kid fall to his death. Now, if you don't mind, we'll be borrowing yours."

"Not a chance," a voice muttered behind them.

Malfoy and Ron gasped and turned around. It was Soul, accompanying Crona and Tsubaki in the top row.

"We need these seats in case Black Star does something stupid," Soul explained. "We're not moving."

Malfoy, realizing he wasn't getting the coveted top seats, returned to his mocking self. "I wonder how Kid's going to kill himself this time. I'm personally going to go with wood-splinter wrist cutting. What do YOU think, Weasley?"

The game continued around them. Snape granted Hufflepuff another penalty because George Weasley had hit a Bludger at Black Star, and it_ didn't_ hit him.

Maka crossed her fingers, looking up anxiously at Kid, who was circling the arena like a hawk, searching for the snitch. At least, she hoped he was looking for the Snitch.

* * *

><p>Fortunately, Kid was actually trying very hard to find the Snitch amongst the asymmetry. He was also keeping an eye on Black Star.<p>

"He got himself into enough trouble as a spectator," he mused to himself. "I don't really want to think what damage he can cause as a Seeker."

* * *

><p>"You know how I think they choose people for the Gryffindor team?" Malfoy asked out loud a few minutes later, as no one was responding to his previous question. Meanwhile, Snape awarded Hufflepuff a penalty because their Chaser hadn't spontaneously combusted. "It's people they feel sorry for. See, there's Kid, who's got no parents."<p>

"Who _does not have_ any parents," Maka corrected. "Plus, last I checked, he did have a father."

"And the Weasleys are on 'cause they don't have any money," Malfoy continued obliviously. "You should be on the team, Longbottom, you've got no brains."

"By that logic, you should be on the team," Liz added. "You don't have any tact. Or empathy."

"Yeah, but they don't feel sorry for you," Patty snealed.

Malfoy seethed. "What insolence-!"

"I'm warning you, Malfoy, " Ron hissed, joining the fray of angry people. "One more word-"

"Ron!" said Hermione suddenly, "Kid-!"

Kid suddenly fell into a spectator drive, drawing gasps and cheers from the crowd. He streaked (not the no-clothes kind) towards the ground like a super caffeinated lightning bolt.

"He's going for the steep dive again," Malfoy drawled. "Or, maybe he found some money on the ground to give to your fam-."

"That's 20.5 words!" Soul shouted suddenly from behind them, and all (*(&)& broke loose from there.

Malfoy tried to do a sneak attack on Maka, but was tackled from behind by Crona. Soul and Ron slammed into Crabbe and Goyle. The four boys soon disintegrated into a pile of fisticuffs, grunts, and general violence.

"Go, Kid, go!" Liz and Patty chanted while Hermione screamed, "Come on, Kid!" Both were perfectly oblivious to the catfight going on behind them.

Up in the air, Snape turned around his broomstick just in time to notice his stalkee shoot past him, missing him by inches. The next second, Black Star crashed into him from behind.

A hush fell over the crowd as Kid dived and Snape tumbled toward the ground.

Kid pulled out of his dive, clutching the Snitch triumphantly. Behind him, there was a loud THUMP as Snape hit solid ground.

The stands erupted; it had to be a record, no one could remember the Snitch being caught so quickly.

Another reason the Gryffindor side was cheering so loudly was because Snape was...um, not moving.

"Ron? Ron? Where are you? The game's over! Kid's won! We've won! Gryffindor's in the lead!" Hermione shrieked.

Incidentally, Ron was quite busy punching Malfoy in the face while Maka book-whacked the Slytherin. Soul had already knocked Goyle out cold (Crona poked him curiously with his wand) and was working on Crabbe.

Kid jumped off his broom, a foot from the ground. He couldn't believe it. He'd done it - the match barely lasted five minutes. As Gryffindors came spilling out onto the pitch, Kid noticed Snape lying on the ground in a puddle of blood.

"SNAAAAAAAPE!" wailed an off-screen voice.

"Is he dead?" Kid whispered quietly.

Suddenly he felt a hand on his shoulder and looked up to Lord Death's smiling face. Or maybe he wasn't smiling. Someone might have just died, after all.

Then again, maybe people dying did make him smile. Again, the complicated affairs of the Death family.

"Well done," said his father quietly, so only Kid would hear. "Nice to see you haven't kept brooding about that mirror..."

"How could I brood about my symmetrical family?" countered Kid, also speaking quietly. "Anyway, you really should head back to the DWMA. Your being here is a massive plothole."

"Don't worry," replied Lord Death cheerfully, "I'll be leaving tonight. I'll miss you dearly, though!"

And with that he gave his son a nice, big hug, to the absolute confusion of several onlookers.

Snape, sadly forgotten, coughed up blood on the ground.

_Next time: Mysterious meeting in the woods! Meet Hagrid's new pet dragon!  
><em>

* * *

><p><strong>(1)<strong> Hope no one noticed that. Toads aren't supposed to have super strength.

**(2) **You realize this is cannibalism, right?


	32. Of Stalkers and Dragons

**Of Stalkers and Dragons  
><strong>

What with the Gryffindors coming up to congratulate him and wizard healers giving Snape emergency medical procedures right on the field, it was sometime later that Kid was finally alone. As he took his Nimbus 2000 back to the broomshed, he mused that he couldn't be happier.

Well, he could if Liz and Patty were identical twins like in the mirror of Elp, but that was beside the point.

People couldn't say he was just a famous name anymore, or just a weird transfer student.

The evening air never smelled as sweet. He walked on the damp grass, reliving the last hour in the theatre of his mind: the Gryffindors carrying him on his shoulders (albeit asymmetrically); Maka, Soul, Tsubaki and Crona cheering in the distance; Ron having a heavy nosebleed-

Okay, maybe not that last part.

Kid had reached the shed, after a long and perilous journey. Gryffindor was in the lead, he told himself. He'd shown Snape.

Speaking of Snape…wait, wasn't he dead?

A hooded figure on crutches came swiftly down the front steps of the castle. Well, relatively swift, considering he was on crutches. Clearly not wanting to be seen, it was moving towards the forbidden forest.

Kid's victory faded from his mind as he watched the figure. He recognized the figure's limping from November. Snape, sneaking into the forest while everyone else was at dinner - what was going on? Was the food that awful this evening? And didn't he need some recovery time?

Kid smiled to himself, an idea forming in his head. It was time to give Snape a little of his own medicine.

He jumped back onto his Nimbus 2000 and took off. Gliding silently over the school he saw Snape enter the forest at a…well, as fast a pace as you can get while on crutches. Kid followed silently.

The trees were so thick he couldn't see where Snape had gone. He flew in circles, going lower and lower, brushing the top branches of trees until he heard voices. He glided towards them and landed noiselessly in a towering beech tree.

He climbed carefully along one of the branches, holding tight to his broomstick (a falling Nimbus 2000 would be out of place in a forest), trying to see through the leaves.

"…d-don't know w-h-h-y you w-w-wanted t-t-t-to see me h-h-here of all p-p-places, Severus…"

"Oh, I'd thought we'd keep this private," Snape said icily.

Kid had to cup his mouth to stop himself from screaming. What vile acts of asymmetry was he about to witness at this private meeting?

"Students aren't supposed to know about the Philosopher's Stone, after all."

Kid leaned forward. The meeting didn't appear to be one of innuendo, but something far more sinister. Maybe Snape did read minds, and knew about Kid knowing about the stone.

Could this meeting be a plan to kidnap him and silence him forever? Or, alternatively, become Snape's research monkey forever? Naturally, Kid didn't like either of those options.

Snape was continuing the conversation. "Did you find out how to get past that beast of Hagrid's yet - or those Thompson sisters?"

Kid realized he was referring to Fluffy and Liz and Patty, respectively.

"B-B-But Severus, w-w-why w-w-w-would I know how to-"

"You don't want me as your enemy, Quirrel," said Snape, taking a step towards him.

_Oh yes you do, _Kid thought cynically. _It'd take the heat off me for once._

"I-I don-t k-know w-w-what you-"

"You know perfectly well what I mean."

An owl hooted loudly, and Kid almost fell out of the tree. He didn't particularly want to reveal himself as an interloper at this point.

Eventually he steadied himself to hear, "-your little bit of hocus-pocus. I'm waiting."

"B-but I don't-"

"Very well," Snape cut in. "We'll have another little chat soon, when you've had time to think things over and decide where your loyalties lie."

He threw his cloak over his head and crutch-walked out of the clearing, leaving an extremely petrified Quirrel behind.

"Is it just me, or are there resemblances to Medusa and Crona here?" Kid thought to himself before taking off.

* * *

><p>"Kid, where <em>have <em>you been?" Hermione demanded shrilly.

"He won! Kid won! We won!" Liz and Patty were singing.

"Guess what?" Ron shouted. "I gave Malfoy a black eye! But then after that, I think I accidentally punched out Neville…anyway he, Crabbe and Goyle are out cold but Madam Pomfrey says they'll be all right. Ditto with Snape.

"Talk about showing Slytherin! Everyone's waiting for you in the common room, we're having a party, Fred and George stole some cakes from the kitchens - be warned, it's crowded up there-"

"It's too unsymmetrical," Kid interrupted. "Anyway, I have something important to tell you, let's find an empty room…"

Easier said than done. Riots were taking place around the school, partly caused by hyperactive Gryffindors not content to party in the ultra crowded common room.

15 flaming suits of armour, 6 drunk people, and 18 knocked-over rubbish bins later, Maka, Liz, Patty, Ron, Hermione and Kid crowded into a broom closet. There, between breaks for fresh air, he told the squished group what he'd seen and heard.

"It is the Philosopher's Stone," Maka reasoned between gasps for air, "that Snape's after, and he's forcing Quirrel to help him get it - and possibly to get to Kid, too. He asked about Fluffy and a 'hocus-pocus' - probably some kind of anti-Dark Arts spell or something."

"So you mean the stone's only safe as long as Quirrel stands up to Snape?" Hermione gasped in alarm and air deprivation.

Opening the door for more air, Ron breathed, "It'll be gone by next Tuesday."

* * *

><p>Either Quirrel was much braver than they thought, or there was some kind of plot twist at work. Quirrel did seem to get paler and thinner, but apparently he hadn't cracked yet.<p>

On their way to classes the DWMA students would press their ear against the third-floor door, to make sure Fluffy was still growling behind it.

Snape was off the crutches but was still in his permanent bad mood, a sign that both the stone and Kid remained as elusive as ever.

Whenever Kid would pass Quirrel in the corridors these days, he'd give the professor an encouraging smile. Ron would tell people off for making fun of Quirrel's stutter.

Hermione and Maka, however, had more than the Philosopher's Stone on their minds. Hermione created revision time-tables and viciously colour-coded her notes. Maka followed suit, except her revision tables included an overflow block, to accommodate for Kishin attacks.

Patty coloured her notes in general.

Worse, the teachers were piling them with homework, so the Easter holidays were nowhere near as fun as the Christmas ones.

"WHAT THE &*&*(^%(^*( IS WITH THIS &(*&(&* STUDYING!" Black Star would scream on random occasions.

* * *

><p>The other DWMA students, however, took their homework seriously, possibly because Maka had conditioned them with her book-whacking. It was becoming a common sight to find Maka, Tsubaki, Kid, Liz, Patty, Ron and Hermione working at one table in the library while Soul and Crona discreetly were one table away.<p>

It was on such a day that _he_ appeared.

Kid was looking up 'Dittany' in _One Thousand Herbs and Fungi _ when Ron suddenly called out, "Hagrid! What are you doing in the librar?"

Kid, still recalling the events of his birthday very well, jumped up 20 feet and clung onto the ceiling ninja-style. Crona crawled under the table to hide.

Hagrid shuffled over, clearly hiding something behind his back. "Hello, children," he rumbled in an incredibly creepy voice, "what are you doing today? Not looking for Nicholas Flamel, I hope."

Kid shut his eyes, hoping it was true that it was human nature not to look up.

Ron proudly declared, "Oh, we found out who he was _ages _ago, and also that Fluffy's guarding a-"

WHACK!

"Oops, my hand slipped," muttered Maka, still holding the borrowed copy of _One Thousand Herbs and Fungi._

"Don't you dare go blabbing about all that stuff in here," Hagrid growled at them, then walked off.

"Um, that was weird," commented Tsubaki as Kid dropped down from the ceiling.

"What was he holding behind his back?" Hermione wondered.

"Something to do with the stone?" Maka offered."

"Maybe I could go check which section he was in," Ron helpfully declared, ditching his studying to do just that. Crona finally crawled back out from under the table.

Ron came back with books all about dragons.

"Hagrid was looking up stuff about dragons!" Ron declared unnecessarily."...But that's illegal! Dragon breeding was outlawed at the Warlock's Convention of 1709, everyone knows that!"

"So what could Hagrid be up to?" Hermione asked.

* * *

><p>An hour later, Ron and Hermione went down to visit Hagrid in his hut. To make sure the giant didn't try anything, Maka, Soul, Tsubaki, Liz and Patty would keep watch outside of Hagrid's hut. Black Star only went with them to see the dragon.<p>

Kid didn't particularly want to get closer to the groundskeeper than was absolutely necessary. Crona declared he couldn't deal with dragons - or with Hagrid, for that matter.

Unfortunately all the curtains were closed. Black Star ran up and knocked on the door.

"Who is it?" Hagrid huffed from inside.

"Resistance, huh?" growled Black Star before subsequently breaking down the door.

"WHAT THE-" shouted Hagrid. Ron and Hermione were already seated inside, looking decidedly confused. For _some_ reason, despite it being a perfectly warm day outside, there was a burning fire in the grate.

Before anyone could stop him, Black Star began shouting, "Listen, big guy, we know you're in on guarding that stone. Now tell us what else is on security duty and no one gets hurt!"

Hagrid glared down at him, the size difference painfully obvious to the casual observer.

"Much," Black star belatedly added. "And I know what you're thinking. 'What a pest! Thinks he can threaten ME! I can squash him with my Size 20 boot and be done with it!'"

"Please, don't provoke him," Maka moaned.

Unfortunately her partner joined him. "Judging from my personal experience," Soul said edgily, "I'm guessing he's about 100 times stronger than you, so unless you have some kind of secret weapon or are a masochist, I suggest you start talking."

Hagrid stared at them.

"Of course I can't," he rumbled. "Number One, I don' know myself. Number Two, yeh know too much already. So I wouldn' tell yeh if I could. It was almost stolen from Gringotts - I s'pose yeh figured that much out? Beats me how yeh knew abou' Fluffy."

"Um, you told us," Ron offered.

Hermione decided to try a different tactic. "Oh, come on, Hagrid, you may not want to tell us, but we know you know everything that goes on around here," she said warmly. "We only wanted to know who's doing the guarding, other than you. Who Dumbledore could trust enough to help him, other than you."

"And you better tell us fast!" Black Star interrupted.

Hermione paled. "There goes our appreciation plan…" she muttered under her breath.

Hagrid, however, seemed oblivious to the 9-year old's threatening tone. He was heavily blushing. "Well, I s'pose it wouldn' hurt to tell yeh that…let's see…he borrowed Fluffy from me, who'll probably develop claustrophobia from the experience…then some o' the teachers did enchantments…Professor Sprout - Professor Flitwick - Professor McGonagall-" he ticked them off on his fingers,"Professor Quirrel - Professor Binns, before he died again - those replacement teachers all did a little somethin', too - an' Dumbledore did somethin', of course. Hang on, I'm forgettin' someone…yes, someone direly important…"

15 minutes later, Hagrid declared, "Oh yeah, Professor Snape."

"_Snape?" _everyone echoed incredulously.

"Yer not still on abou' that, are yeh? Look, Snape helped protect the stone, he's not about ter steal it."

Maka, Soul, Tsubaki, Liz, Patty, Ron and Hermione were all thinking the same thing: If Snape was in on guarding the stone, it must have been pretty easy to find out what the other teachers did. He probably knew everything - except about Fluffy, Quirrel's spell, and anything whatsoever about personal grooming products.

Black Star, meanwhile, was thinking about what a &*)^( Hagrid was.

"Just to check, you're the only one who knows how to get past Fluffy, right?" Ron asked. "And you wouldn't under normal circumstances tell anyone, would you?"

"Not a soul knows 'cept me 'nd Dumbledore," Hagrid grunted proudly.

On an unrelated note, one has to ask if Voldemort actually has a soul.

"It's so hot in here," Patty moaned suddenly.

"Mind opening a window so we don't suffer heatstroke?" Liz called out to Hagrid.

"Can't, sorry."

Ron glanced curiously at the fire just then. A black, oval egg lay inside the flames. "Whatever that is, I don't want any," he moaned.

Hagrid glared at him. "Don't eat my dragon, you bloody-" Belatedly he caught his mistake.

"A dragon…" Black Star breathed. "Too bad it's in its *)()(&)&* EGG STAGE!"

"So, um, what are you going to do when it _is _hatched?" Hermione asked worriedly.

Bad idea. Hagrid soon regaled them with tales about how he read about raising dragons at the library, and was apparently raising this one as a pet.

Hermione just shook her head. "You. Live. In a. *()*. Wooden. Hut."

"I think it's pretty cool," remarked Soul, "raising a dragon-"

"Don't you start too," Maka muttered, pulling her partner by the ear. "Come on, we're leaving."

Hagrid hummed merrily as the group meandered out.

* * *

><p>So, on top of the homework, a Philosopher's Stone and the spread of madness, there was an illegal dragon on campus.<p>

"I wonder what it's like having a peaceful life," Maka sighed as she once more did homework in the library.

"Never mind that, I wonder what it's like to be a normal human being," Soul muttered, dealing with a particularly nasty Defense worksheet.

Then, on the way down to Herbology with Kid, Maka noticed smoke coming out of Hagrid's hut. Ordinarily this would be status quo, except the smoke was coming out the windows. If she was closer she'd have noticed sparks, too.

She stared transfixed at the sight of the smoking cabin.

"The smoke is so unsymmetrical!" Kid moaned.

"Oy, what's gotten into you two?" said Ron, running up to her. She pointed at the cabin in response.

"Oh no…this can mean only one thing…his dragon's hatched! Let's go see it!"

"And fix its symmetry!" Kid declared happily.

"No," declared Maka firmly. "This close to exams, we cannot afford to miss class." With that, she dragged Ron and Kid (who had gone into symmetry withdrawal) all the way to Herbology.

Behind them, Malfoy smiled with glee, resisting the urge to cackle maniacally…

* * *

><p>As soon as the period ended, Maka, Ron and Kid sprinted to Hagrid's hut. Collectively they gasped in horror at the state of the hut…if you could even call it that anymore.<p>

It was absolute carnage. A few walls remained standing, all as black as the blackest black hole which leads to a black pit where Black Star is playing Pokémon Black and did you know Crona's blood is black…very black. Ashes were everywhere. Smoke rose from every conceivable location. There appeared to be a very large, soot-covered figure amongst the wreckage.

In the middle of it all was a baby dragon.

Kid took one look at the scene, then fainted from the asymmetry.

"You hold it," Maka commanded.

"Who died and made you in charge?" Ron grumbled, but obeyed anyway. The dragon spit sparks at him.

"Let's review," continued Maka. "The hut's incinerated, Hagrid's dead, Kid's unconscious and we have an illegal dragon baby. Now what?"

"Charlie," Ron said suddenly.

"No, my name is Maka, last time I checked."

"No, my _brother _Charlie! He usually hunts after pretty unicorns but is taking a sabbatical year in Romania to study dragons. I can send a letter explaining our situation, then everything will be okay!"

"Will it, Weasley?"

The voice made them both jump. It was Malfoy.

"How much did you overhear?" Ron hissed.

"Not much - but I can draw conclusions. You two and Hagrid were raising an illegal dragon, and tried to burn the evidence. Now you're trying to give it to your dear brother, Weasley, like a hand-me-down."

"More like a hand-me-up," Maka was about to say, but was interrupted by another intruder.

"Oh my! You seemed to have discovered a new species of Pokémon!"

It was an old man in a lab coat.

"Um, who are you?" Ron asked quizzically.

"I'm glad you asked that question! I am Professor Oak, noted inventor of the Pokédex. I hang around my laboratory in Kanto allll day and research Pokémon, while elsewhere unsupervised 10-year olds have complete control over innocent Pokémon.

"I also provide said 10-year olds with their very first Pokémon - because I'm totally not luring them into my research laboratory under false circumstances."

"While that's very…nice," Maka muttered, "we, um, have a problem on our hands - namely, this little guy." She pointed to the dragon Ron was holding.

"Don't worry! I'll take good care of it in my research laboratory!" Oak took the dragon into his arms.

"But he's just been born!" Maka protested.

"In that case I'll leave it at the Pokémon day care first - the 1-Pokémon version, so it can't…err…you see…produce an egg magically!"

With that, the old man vanished.

"Well, that was weird," Malfoy commented, but was soon confronted by another voice.

"Well, well, well," hissed Filch, "we _are _in trouble."

As far as he was concerned, they had just burned down Hagrid's hut.

_Next time: A desperate explanation! You must be punished!_

* * *

><p>717: Happy (unofficial) Death the Kid's birthday day!


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